Flow

Flow is the state of being that we operate in when we are at our peak performance. Athletes refer to this as “the zone.” When we are in flow we are in the perfect state that operates between anxiety and boredom. When this perfect spot is met we are then in flow. When we observe someone who is in flow, what they are doing appears to come to them effortlessly. They move through their task with skill, passion and ecstasy. Some people, when they come out of this state of being, cannot even really recall what they were doing while they were doing it. These individuals are operating on such a higher level of emotional intelligence that what they are doing seems to, well…flow. A lot of artists, musicians and highly skilled intellectuals can describe this experience as an almost “out-of-body” experience. But we have all experienced this on some level. I am sure you can think of a time when you did something and looked back on it and was really impressed with your performance, when you really couldn’t explain how you did it so well. We have all experienced times where we were in “the zone.”

What I would like to propose here is the possibility that we could operate within this prime state of being with our relationship with God. Can we possibly reach the point with our relationship with Him that our mind, body and soul are operating at such a level that to other’s it seems effortless? Could we possibly reach a point in our relationship with God where we are completely balanced between our worries, anxieties and apathy? I mean really consider this. This is a real state of being. Science knows enough about this brain state to know that the emotional mind seems to have come into complete compliance with the intellectual mind…meaning these two different parts of our brain are working together in complete harmony.

There are ways that we can get ourselves into flow. One way is have a fierce focus that is also calm. This of course is very difficult to accomplish. You have to be able to put everything aside, calm yourself and bring all of your attention into that one particular task. Imagine operating at such a peak that you are both calmly and fiercely focused on God.

Another way to enter flow is to find your optimal level of anxiety. In order to enter flow one must be at a certain level of anxiety. One must not be too anxious because that would cause them to lose their focus. But one must also be anxious enough to be motivated to accomplish the task at hand. That is the perfect level of “I care too much” and “I don’t care at all.” Imagine being there with God, where you have that perfect mind set.

Flow can be entered into more easily when you have spent a lot of time learning about the task you are about to attempt. Musicians who practice a lot experience this state of being more frequently during performances than those who practice less. Imagine spending so much time in prayer, studying the Word and spending time in His presence that you can enter into flow with Him constantly.

Another thing about flow that you need to know is that if you are passionate about the task at hand, you can enter into flow more readily. Artists who paint for the pure passion of it, experience flow more often than those who approach it with ideas of fame and fortune. So think about how passionate you are about God. Think about your intentions behind your actions. If you don’t have passion about your relationship with Him and Godly, humble intentions, then the possibility and frequency of flow decreases.

Let me be transparent here. If this can be achieved in my relationship with God I most certainly want to be there. I cannot imagine being so focused on God that it is almost effortless. That I am so filled with the task at hand that I lose focus on nothing else but God; where I am so zeroed in on Him that I am operating at my peak with Him constantly.

I know that I have been there at times though. There have been moments where I have approached a situation exactly as He wanted me to and I was astounded with myself. There have been times where I was so caught up in His presence that everything else went away and I was just in this state of being where everything was as it should be. But I do not know if it is possible to operate at this level all the time. I mean I know in heaven one day we will be constantly in flow with God, but what if we could reach that point in our lives and operate in that, on a constant level now? I cannot even begin to imagine the things that could be accomplished in His name. To be constantly in flow with God would be…amazing!

I will repeat myself here: I do not know for myself whether or not this state of being can be obtained in my relationship with God constantly while here on this earth. But one thing is for certain, I am most definitely going to try. Are you with me?

Reference: Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman

Read more »

Normal

What is normal anyway?

Is it just a way that the enemy has created to make us stay?

To stay exactly where he wants us to play,

And leave us unarmed as he prepares to flay.

Flay us within an inch of our lives,

Stop us from having a life that thrives,

And take away our skill to drive,

Drive away our energy to strive.

So my question here is why do we want normal?

Do we really want to be so formal?

The enemy wants us to stay behind the line,

To keep us locked up, put away and confined.

So we keep attempting to be normal in the life,

But God just wants us to shine through Christ.

So why do we want to look like a model,

Live a life where we yearn to be coddled?

We are so caught up in people’s physical appearance.

We keep on listening to the enemy’s interference.

So I beg of you please,

Next time will you look at someone will really see?

See them for what they really are,

Look at them and really long to see their memoir.

Because people aren’t just lips, eyes, stomach and legs,

People are so much more than just sperm and eggs.

Don’t withhold your love from who they really are,

Learn to look at them and not just see the scar.

The scar of what they look like on the outside.

Take the time to learn who they really are, then decide.

You see I’m trying to learn to enjoy being weird,

Learn to live a life in such a way that I am feared,

Feared by the enemy every waking hour,

One look at me and his plan goes sour.

So what I’m trying to say here is try and make a difference,

Try not to live your life as someone else's hindrance.

Try instead to look inside their soul,

And see them for what they are: truly gold.

Try not to look away and be so cold.

Try not to look at them and withhold.

Take the time to let God take you through that portal,

Take the time to learn to jump that hurdle.

Because the truth is we are all truly mortal.

And there’s no such thing as being normal.

Read more »

Mental Illness and Christianity

Mental Illness and Christianity can be such a touchy subject with a lot of people. I have had personal experience with this. I cannot count how many times I have heard people from the pulpit comment on how we need to get all of these people off of antidepressants and other medications because they need to trust in God to get them over their emotional trials (paraphrasing here of course). But what I do believe that many people in the realm of Christianity fail to realize is that Mental Illness is just what it says it is: an illness. People operate under the assumption that if one is having emotional problems such as depression or other things that they are simply lacking faith in God. Well I believe this could be nothing farther from the truth. Depression, Bipolar Disorder, Schizophrenia, ADHD, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and any other mental illness is simply an illness. These illnesses do not differ from things such as diabetes, cancer, liver disease, epilepsy and a many number of other things out there. I have heard preachers say that we need to stop giving out these medications and start expecting God to heal us. This is horrible advice.

I am not in any way doubting the healing power of God here, but would you tell someone with diabetes to stop insulin, or someone with cancer to stop chemotherapy? If you have any sense about you, you would say no! Therefore why in the world would you say that someone with depression or any other mental illness should stop taking their medications? Mental Illness can be just as deadly as cancer if untreated. These people who suffer from these diseases can spiral downward into such debilitating pain and sorrow that they no longer can see a reason to live. These people suffer greatly because of their sickness and without medical attention they very well may end their lives. Imagine for a minute a world where everything hurt. A world where there were no smiles, no laughter, no light. You are so tired you don’t want to get out of the bed. You think of nothing but the negative parts of your life. Your brain goes over and over and over again about how useless and worthless you are, over and over again about all the bad things in your life, and all the bad things that have ever happened to you. You spend day in and day out suffering like this, and then one day you think to yourself I could kill myself. I could simply end my life and stop this endless torment. To these people suicide is the only option. They have completely lost any ability to see a way out of their situation. They have no energy or will power to pull their selves out of the pit they have found themselves in. To them they have hit rock bottom and there is no way out but death. Would you tell this person that they need to have faith in God and not take any medication? Would you really tell this person that they need to just have more faith, pray more and seek the Lord more? Keep in mind that they have lost the ability to even get out of the bed. Do you honestly think they have the power in themselves to read scripture, to have more faith, to even see God at this point? They don’t. There is nothing more important to this individual than a way out of their suffering, and at this point they see death as the only means to end their pain. Why in the world would anyone possibly suggest to this individual not to take medication for their illness? It is stupid to suggest this. It is ignorant on your part if you have ever told someone this. Just as the sin of Adam and Eve brought physical pain and illness into this world they also brought mental illness into this world. How dare you suggest that what I have just described is not a real illness?

And while I am at it I am going to go out on a limb here and say that suicide, in the case of mental illness, is not a sin. It is the illness that has ended this person’s life. Sure they may have done it at their own hands but they are honestly not in their right minds. The reality is that the illness is what has killed them. If you were to talk to one of these people while they were not depressed, manic, psychotic, or in some other state of being that is suffering they would be full of life, purpose and a will to live. They would not think themselves as someone who would kill themselves. I know that this statement will be met with much scorn from some, but I hope those of you with more open minds will consider this and realize the truth that I am speaking here.

I am not saying that people do not abuse the system here. There are people that fake mental illness in order to get certain medications. These people are in their own way mentally ill, but they do not need the medication that they are pretending to need. But there are also people that pretend to have pain in order to get pain medication. Does that mean that we tell everyone who is in pain that they shouldn’t take the pain medication that they should just trust in God to take the pain away? Again I will say that I am not questioning the healing power of God here. But I would like to say that this is 2013. We live in a world were science has created medications to ease pain and suffering of all kinds. Science has brought to us ways in which to prevent disease, ways to bring an ease to suffering, and ways to heal some sicknesses. There are so many advances that this world has made that can really help people. And I believe that it is through the power of God that we have all of the knowledge and medication that we have today. If God had not created us to have creative minds then we would have never made it to where we are. God created some human beings with the skill and intellect to study the body and its inner workings and find ways to heal and ease sickness. I believe that just as insulin can help control diabetes, psychotropic medications can help control many mental illnesses.

We need to be more accepting and understanding of those who suffer from mental illness. We need to not tell them to not take medication, to not see a psychiatrist or a therapist because they will become all “doped up" on medication. We have to trust the people that God has put in certain positions in this world today. If you suffer from a mental illness or think you may suffer from one go to a doctor. If you know someone that suffers from a mental illness or think that they may have a mental illness than please encourage them to seek help and please support them if they are put on medication or placed into therapy.

Mental illness affects so many people today. The church has put a stigma on it. Those with mental illness are the silent sufferers in the church. They do not speak up about needing prayer for their illness out of fear of being looked down upon, labeled and/or lectured. We need to stop this nonsense and begin to treat these sick people with the same respect and understanding that we treat those who have been diagnosed with cancer.

God can heal. I believe that with all of my being, but I do have an understanding that, that does not mean that you come off of your medications because you believe that God has suddenly healed you. If you believe that God has truly made you whole then you talk to your doctor and they will work with you. If they are smart they will help you come off of your medication slowly as to avoid a relapse in the case that you might be mistaken (which I would rejoice with you if you are healed). If your doctor will not work with you then find a doctor willing to do so. Not all doctors are the same, if you do not like the one you have find another, trust me there are plenty out there.

Be wise and sensitive to the workings of the Holy Spirit when you are dealing with someone who is mentally ill. Don’t tell them to quit their medications. If they do want to try and come off of their medicine then support them and be watchful for signs of a relapse. Be honest with them if you think they are making unwise decisions. Educate yourself about your own mental illness or the illness of a friend or family member. If you yourself have a mental illness don’t let the negative Christians make you feel weak or unfaithful to God because of what you are going through. Trust in God, talk to him, listen to His voice, be aware of His presence. Do what God says and not what the other people are telling you to do. And remember above all else that God loves you and that one day in heaven we will all be made whole again.

I love you all,

Randi

Special thanks to mom, dad, Krystal, Jennifer, Amanda, Dolan and Lynn…I care very deeply for you all and you mean a lot to me and my journey through life.

Read more »

Encouragement For All

We all get sad sometimes,

We all have to face this world full of crimes.

It’s what we choose to do with our reality,

That really defines our mortality.

Sometimes we really get pissed,

And a lot of the time we have to deal with life’s twists.

But it’s what we do when we’re thrown a curve ball,

Sometimes we try to move forward, then trip and fall.

It’s our actions that define who we really are.

It’s our choice to fight that really raises the bar.

So what I’m asking is, what do you do when you’re feeling down?

Do you give up and just let yourself drown?

Or do you stand up and rise to the occasion?

Do you never give up on this hard equation?

I know it’s sometimes hard to put up a fight,

But trust me it’s worth it to push through the night.

The sun will always rise,

And pushing yourself is always wise,

Because you have so much to offer this world,

And as you move forward God’s plan will be unfurled.

So as I write this I pray that you will never surrender,

And always look forward to life’s splendor.

Read more »

Angry

There is anger boiling in my blood,

I feel it overcome me like a flood.

I want to hit, scream and punch,

Throw a fit, make your skull crunch.

I stood up for myself and this is what I get?

I hate you right now; I should stomp you into grit!

You treat me like I’m your bitch,

But I wouldn’t allow this glitch.

I took a stand and you said I wasn’t a good fit,

Well with that attitude you belong in a pit.

You treat people like poo,

Then you expect them to continue on, it’s true.

So I stood up for myself this is what I did,

And you tried to make me pay for your bid.

So with all of that said this is what I send,

Just know that you’re the one who will pay in end.

Read more »

Moving Forward

Sometimes things don’t work out exactly as you plan.

You have to regroup, rewind, and take the dealers hand.

I know that I did what was right

But that doesn’t mean I have to enjoy this night.

I’m sad that’s true,

But I know that God will see me through and through.

I just hate the way I feel right now,

I just wish I could understand exactly how?

How this story ended up the way it did,

And I’m trying hard to live up to this bid.

I know that I thought, that I did what was right,

But I can’t help but question myself in this night.

This journey is hitting me hard,

And I know that it’s gonna leave a scar.

So I stand up, pull my big girl pants on,

And I turn around, ready to face to dawn.

Cause I know that His plans are greater than mine,

And I know that with Him everything is gonna be just fine.

So as I journey through this night, I just need you to know,

I’m done with the games; I’m done with this show.

I’m moving on with my life,

I’m done with this strife,

I’m moving forward through this night,

And now I’m ready to stand and fight.

Read more »

Ready for Battle

It’s times like these I just want to scream.

Just one more minute and it’s gonna rip my seam.

I can’t stand this frustration,

Done at the hands of my own creation.

You see, it’s my fault in the first place,

I can’t take the fact that I’m the one who started this race.

And I know that I’m being taken advantage of,

But there's no chance I can stop this labor of love.

Now, I know I have to take a stand,

Steal some time and get back on my land.

I just need to figure out how to get my start,

For justice to be done I know I have to do my part.

Time to get down, break down, take my place and fight.
Time to get up, rise up, and gain a little height.

And I know that I’m still at the beginning of my life,

And I know that I'm gonna overcome this strife.

My courage will rise as I look to God,

And I know as I rise up everyone will be awed.

So I stand up, ready to fight, taking my ground,

And I take heed to His presence knowing I will be safe and sound.

As look around, laughing at the enemy’s prattle,
Sword in hand, standing on the edge of this battle,

I know that I am covered by His blood,

And I know that I am surrounded by the cloak of His love.

So with all of that said I turn to you and ask,

Are you ready to go kick some ass?

Read more »

To My Friends

May your laughter never stop,

And passion consume your soul.

May joy flow up to your top,

And love reach you at every goal.

May you find light in your dark.

And remember that peace can be found at every start.

May you know that every minute will count,

And know there is no mountain you cannot mount.

May you always know that God is there,

And know that He will always care.

May you know that I’m forever your friend,

And know I’m there until the end.

Read more »

Fear

I grip your heart.
I shroud you in dark.
I cover your soul.
I bury your goal.

I make you surrender.
I take away splendor.
I hide you from God.
I keep you from your job.

I steal away love.
I surround you like a glove.
I live for your demise.
I will turn you away from Christ.

I take away your life.
I give nothing but strife.
I take away your sight.
I bring end to your fight.

I try to leave you in the wild.
I send to you my black cloud.
I will fight against you till the end.
I  will scorn, you're not my friend.

I look at you with a leer.
I laugh at you, my dear.
I snicker at your tear.
Be afraid and tremble for I am fear.

Without faith I will win.
Forget to speak; I will begin.
Without God I will turn you.
Without Christ I win! It's true.

But with God I tremble and shake.
With Him I must face my fate.
When He comes to your aid,
I am lost; I am slayed.

Read more »

The Cage

There is a grimy old cage with a small bed inside of it and a big old rusty lock on the door. Inside of this cage is a small child. She is alone in this cage but not alone in the world. She is surrounded by many people. These people come and go as they please leaving the girl unchecked in her cage.

This girl was actually birthed into this cage. It’s a big cage too. There is plenty of room and space for visitors to come and sit comfortably with the girl. And yes there are visitors. The girl’s family comes to see her and visit her. They unlock the cage and bring in her food and clean clothes. They come every couple of hours to take her to a bathroom so that she doesn’t make a mess of her cage. They sometimes sit in there and talk about their lives with her. She sits and listens well to the family. They tell her about their troubles and their day. They complain about the weather and their jobs. They gripe about the price of gas and the dismal shape that the economy is in. They inform her of politics and how awful the government is. But they never ask the girl about her life. I mean after all what could the girl say? She is in a cage for goodness sakes. How much could she have to offer? What could she possibly bring to the table that would interest this family?

There are also friends. Or at least what the girl thinks are friends. They come in and talk about their lives just like her family does. They are a little different from her family though. These people like to tell jokes. These “friends” of hers enjoy making the little girl laugh. But they have an ulterior motive…they think she sounds funny. They tell things that they think would make the girl laugh just so they can laugh at her. The girl thinks these people are her friends because they come and sit with her and make her laugh, but they do it with selfish motives. They enjoy that fact that this little girl sits there and listens to them and laughs as though nothing in the world could please her more. And honestly nothing could please her more.

This is all she knows; the comings and goings of her family and friends. Life is a never ending circle inside of this cage. The sun always rises in the east and sets in the west. There are always visitors, bathroom breaks, food and clean clothes. The occasional bath is given in order to avoid a stench. But outside of her bathroom breaks the girl never leaves her cage.

There is something that only the little girl knows. The great big lock is broken. Sure a big fat key unlocks it when her friends and family come but a good ole tug does the trick too. The small girl thinks this is funny. When she is alone she sits there and pulls on the lock watching it open and then snapping it back shut tight. With a great big giggle each time, she repeats this over and over again throughout the day, always stopping and making sure it is closed when she hears people drawing near.

So now you must be asking yourself a question. Why doesn’t the girl just escape? Why does she not just run free and never come back to the rusty old cage? The truth of the matter is she is totally and completely unaware that she needs to escape. She is bound by her own ignorance.

One day things change. The girl is sitting there in her cage playing with the lock patiently waiting for someone to come along and talk to her. She lives for the time that people spend with her. It is after all the only pleasure in life she has outside of playing with that great big lock. Suddenly someone new comes into sight. It is a beautiful middle aged woman. She comes along walking smoothly toward the cage. When she gets to the door she goes to unlock it and somehow the lock popped open. The woman is mystified. She puts the key that was in her hand back into her pocket and proceeds to shut the lock. Then she gives the lock a tug and it pops right back open. Her eyes widen and she looks up to meet the small girl’s fearful eyes.

The girl has been caught. She knows she is in trouble now. No one was supposed to ever find out about that broken lock. It was supposed to be her secret, and now it’s out in the open for everyone to see. And surely everyone will see it. Surely this beautiful lady will run and tell the others. The girl knows she is in trouble. She doesn’t know what she is going to do now and her imagination begins to run wild with the possibilities. Will they not give her food for a day…or a week…or maybe even a whole month? Surely she will starve now! What if they stop taking her to the bathroom? Then she will have a smelly mess all over her cage and then no one will want to come and visit. Oh no! What if everyone stops coming all together? She kept this secret and now everyone is going to be mad and no one is going to come and see her anymore! This is the most horrible thing she can imagine. She knows she is doomed now. What will happen to her now that her secret is out?

The lady removes the lock from the door and comes inside and takes her place next to the girl. Neither the woman nor the girl has said anything since this secret was revealed. The girl is terrified and is nervously waiting for the woman’s reaction.

Just when the girl is beginning to wonder if the woman is going to talk at all she extends her hand toward the girl, opens her fist and offers the lock to the girl. The girl’s eyes widen as she stares at the lock. She doesn’t understand. The woman speaks with a bold but gentle voice: “Take it.” But the girl is confused. What exactly is this woman going to gain if she takes the lock from her? What if she takes the lock and this somehow makes matters worse? What if the others don’t want her to have the lock? What then? The girl is at a complete loss as to what to do. Then the woman speaks for a second time. “You can go.” This woman is offering her freedom, total and complete freedom. And the girl has no idea what to do about it.

The girl carefully takes the lock from the woman and holds it close to her heart. What now? The woman rises and leaves from the cage. This woman has just done this small child a tremendous favor and the girl is still sitting in the cage completely unaware of her own freedom.

The girl sits there and ponders her future. She can stay here in the cage. She can put the lock back on the door and pretend that no one ever realized it was broken. She could stay. But she could also go. But there are so many questions if she goes. Where will she go? What will she do? How will she live? Who will bring her food, clean clothes and take her to the bathroom? Even more important, who will talk to her? The child cannot imagine life without the cage.

As she sits there wondering what she should do, she hears a noise. Someone is coming to the cage and suddenly her decision has to be made.

She quickly rises from the bottom of the cage and places the lock back on the door, closes the door and clamps the lock closed. She cannot fathom life without this cage. There is so much unknown outside of these bars. She cannot possibly imagine life without someone to talk to and someone to take care of her.

And so she stays. She sits in that cage today. The beautiful woman does not tell anyone about the lock, and she never returns to the cage. Many years have passed and the small girl is quickly approaching womanhood. She has grown up inside of this cage. She is completely unaware of the freedom she could have if she simply took the lock of the door and left. Life is too comfortable in the cage. She has food, shelter, family and friends in this cage. As far as she is concerned life inside of the cage is freedom.

Read more »

Dark and Light

Everyone has a little dark.
Everyone sometimes loses their spark.
There is a place were their is no light.
There is a time when it's no good to fight.

So why must we continue to try,
When we know in the end we're going to die?
Why bother when the end is near?
Why bother and stifle your fear?

Please stop with your cry.
Please stop don't ask why.
Don't even shed a tear.
don't continue on this year.

Everyone has a little dark.
Everyone sometimes loses their spark.
There is a place were their is no light.
There is a time when it's no good to fight.

But in the end I must move on.
Forget the past, look toward the dawn.
Keep fighting don't surrender,
And look forward to life's splendor.

Read more »

Giving Up

No one will help you find the end.
No one, not even a friend.
No one to hold your hand.
No one to help you stand.

You have no place to stay.
And so you try and find a way.
To find a place of faith,
And discover a little grace.

Sure it's hard to mend.
Sure you have to learn to bend.
And so you search for that holy land.
But there is no place and so you disband.

There is no time for play.
There is no god today.
Sure you can try your best,
But this pill still you must digest.

You have no place to stay.
And so you try and find a way.
To find a place of faith,
And discover a little grace.

But you know your wasting your time.
To keep on going is just a crime.
In this land of sorrow you cry,
And lay your head down to die.

Read more »

Suffering

How completely unaware are we of the suffering of those around?
How many times have we walked by and missed their pain?
Am I as oblivious to them, as they are to me?
God please don’t let me miss out on helping them.

Please don’t let me ruin it.
I can’t stand the thought of not helping them.
I know I can’t reach everybody,
But please let me reach somebody.

The suffering of those around me burdens my heart.
I can’t stand the thought of someone hurting half as much as me.
I want to reach out and take their pain,
But right now I’m not sure I can.

I feel insecure in everything I do.
It’s effected who I am.
The easy things are becoming hard.
I’m not sure how much longer I can fake it.

I love you, but right now I’m hurting.
I love you, but right now it’s hard.
Oh GOD! How much I love you!
My daddy, I love you so much.

Please come and take me away,
To a safer place, to a happier place.
Right now I’m surrounded by torment,
But still I love you.

Read more »

Pain in the Wall

This rubble it scares me.

It’s everywhere I look.

I can’t move because it surrounds me.

I can’t breathe for its dust engulfs me.

Everything has crumbled to pieces.

All my hard work turned to sand.

I spent all these years constructing,

Only to find disaster at my hands.

Was this wall worth building?

All my efforts where they useless?

It did stay for a while.

It protected for years.

Yet now that it has crumbled,

Its remains have left me in ruins.

Now that it has fallen its contents scare my people

 I see no hope for reconstructing.

I only see this disaster.

Nothing will ever be the same.

I don’t know how to make things look nice again.

There is rubble everywhere I look.

And I am weeping as things tumble out.

This pain is too much.

Will anything ever be ok?

I spent all those years hiding within that wall.

I was always afraid.

That wall collapsed and I am still afraid.

All the work was for nothing.

For all I know is fear.

Is there anything outside of fear?

Is there anything outside of this pain?

I am told that everything will be ok.

I am promised that everything will be fine.

I can’t see the light.

I can’t see anything but the horrible surrounding of devastation that use to be a wall.

Read more »

Pain and Freedom

Oh God! How I want to feel that blade.
I am literally shaking to my core.
My stomach aches, not with physical pain,
but emotion. What emotion? I don’t know,
I can’t identify what I am feeling
I just know it hurts. I want to disappear.
 I want to go to a place where I don’t feel like this,
where I don’t feel so much,
 where I feel nothing, except happiness.
It has been so long since I have felt happiness,
true happiness that is,
a joy that did not end in familiar pain,
 or did not falter under the fear of the next wave of sorrow.
My soul aches for freedom.
Freedom from what, I don’t know.

Read more »

How far have we really come?

Many churches today consider themselves free from all the tradition of religion. They think they are delivered from the chains of looking, acting, dressing, worshiping, and behaving a certain way on the basis of how they have been taught to live. But really, how free is the church? Sure they don’t have to wear dresses, or suits with ties, and they don’t have to sing the standard 3 hymns followed by an offering, special singer and then the sermon. But when looking closer, how free is it, how delivered is the church?

Sometimes it feels like dress is a competition. Who can have the most anti-religious outfit? Who can dye their hair the most outrageous color? Who can look the most anti-church this Sunday? When visiting a new church one of the first things noticed is how they all dress. When attending a church that is based on the “older” model of churches, there are beautiful dresses, and crisp men’s suits. It’s funny how clone like the families can sometimes be. If there are children in the family, their outfits generally match their counter parent. If there is another child of the same sex, they are usually dressed similarly or even identically (if the parents got lucky while shopping). When visiting a church that is based on the “newer” model of churches, it’s easy to notice how…eccentric the clothing can be. Everyone has to look cool, and different from every one of the others. After a while the scene begins to make my brain fuzzy. There are those with normal hair, and those with rainbow hair. There are those whom dress stylish, but not “churchy” and then there are those that look as though they jumped out of a punk rock magazine. The point here is that it doesn’t matter what kind of church you are going to, there is a dress code.

One thing that is not enjoyable about the church is the cliques that make it up. Most churches pride themselves on accepting everyone without judgment. “Everyone has a place,” but the important thing here is, where an individual’s place is.  Even though they say everyone has a place, there is still the “in crowd.” Every Sunday the people get out of their cars in their churches appropriate attire and walk into church. Once through the doors though it’s about who’s talking with whom. And if someone gets left out, they automatically assume that maybe they don’t really belong there. If the “cool” people don’t shake their hand, or hug their necks then they feel excluded, as though the “cool” crowd’s acceptance is what makes someone belong to a church. Is this really any different from the world? No, no matter where you go there are cliques. Whether the clique is the choir in robes, or football gear, it’s still a clique.

These things are said not to bash the church. The church is amazing, and has great potential. Many churches have set great examples and have already accomplished so much, however there is still so much more that can be done. What these things are said for is to issue a challenge. This challenge is for any and everyone that calls themselves believers. This is a challenge to love.  It has been said many times before that Christians are supposed to love everyone. Jesus says “to love your neighbor as yourself,” (Matthew 22:29 KJV) Galatians 5:14 reminds us again to keep this command, and again we are told to love people in James 2:8. So many times people lash out in their anger, and forget to love. This command should not be taken lightly. So before you decide to ignore the person in the line at the market, before you yell at a child, before making someone cry, before taking revenge, before whatever is going on in present time, think about love.

Read more »

Childlike

You’re the God that holds my hand
You stay with me when I cry
Your there when no one else sees my pain
You see me when I’m invisible to the world
Sometimes my heart aches and I don’t know why
But there you are…

Do I ever make you cry?
If so, I’m sorry
I know what that feels like
when people let you down
You say we don’t let you down
How’s that work?
I just don’t get it…

God I love you so much
I wish I could always act like it
Being in love with you is hard
Not as hard as what you did
Is it wrong to wish it was easier
When really it’s nothing compared to you?
Everything is nothing compared to you
You are my everything

God I love you so much
I just can’t say it enough
I don’t even care what happens
I just wanna be close to you
I just wanna be next to you
I want to hold your hand
Could you stay close by today?
I’m scared…

I feel like a child

Read more »

The Wall

The wall was a beautiful wall. It had paintings and decorations that were not only pleasing to the eye, but they had the ability to take your breath away. Everyone loved this wall. People would walk by and compliment on how beautiful the wall was. It was perfect…or at least as perfect as a wall could be. The wall stood there for many years, and it never occurred to anyone to look behind the wall. Who would want to risk seeing what was behind this wall anyways. It was simply too beautiful of a wall. Don’t mess with perfection…and that is how everyone viewed it. But the wall was flawed. It was deeply flawed, and only its guardian could see the flaw. Everyone walked by day after day and talked about how amazing that wall was…never noticing the flaw that the guardian could see. They never noticed how afraid the guardian was of the wall either…for the guardian knew what was behind this wall. But as time passed the flaw grew. The wall began to slowly show its flaw…a long deep crack. But the wall was still beautiful to its observers…I mean after all…isn’t it the flaws that make great artwork great…right? More time passed and the wall began to crumble. You see there was something behind this wall. There were in fact many things behind this wall. The wall was actually built so that a passerby couldn’t see the contents of the wall. The guardian began to feel panic as the wall began to crumble. The guardian new the contents of the wall, and new that if the wall was destroyed then everyone would see the secrets behind it…and there was nothing beautiful about these secrets. These secrets where ugly…and the guardian knew that once the wall came down and the ugliness was revealed people would stop coming by to visit this beautiful place. But time passed and the wall came down. The guardian was horrified. Standing in the ruins of that wall and its contents the guardian began to weep. And no one came. Not for a while. The ugliness was scattered everywhere, and the wall was in ruins. What was the guardian to do? The guardian wept for days and prayed and cried out…knowing that now that the wall was destroyed no one would ever come near again. But something strange happened. People came by. The people were shocked at the absence of the beautiful wall. Some shed tears when they realized what the wall had been guarding. Some simply could not take the ugliness that was now scattered for public viewing, and left quickly. Some tried to reconstruct the wall, but their efforts failed. And some tried to comfort the guardian…but they really didn’t know how to help. But something even stranger happened. New people came. These new people came and they looked at the ugliness and told the guardian it wasn’t that ugly. They told the guardian it would be okay, and it was time to stop weeping and start sorting through the rubble the wall had left. And so these new people began to help the guardian. And as the guardian allowed these new people to help with the ugliness, they began to show that the ugliness wasn’t that ugly. And then an even stranger thing happened the ugliness began to look beautiful to the guardian. And the new people smiled because they had known all along that the ugliness wasn’t really ugliness, in fact these people had not thought that beautiful wall, so beautiful to begin with. The guardian is still afraid of life without the wall…but the guardian is beginning to see beauty in what was once viewed as ugly.

Read more »

The Room

Suddenly a room appears. This room is white. It’s not a normal kind of white. It’s the kind of white that hurts to look at, like snow shinning in the winter sun. There is a girl standing in this room. There is nothing that stands out about her except her clothes. They are torn and dirty. They appear to have once been white, perhaps the same white as the room but they have been worn and damaged. And by what one might ask? The answer is no one knows. The girl is standing in the center of this room. She does not move. She stands there looking forward, her eyes a misty gray reflecting something unknown that stirs deep inside of her. There is no noise in this room, except for the slow steady drum of her heart and the sounds of her breathe as she breaths…in and out, in and out.  There is nothing happening in this room outside of the existence of this girl.

Just as someone would begin to move away from the room a tear falls from this girl’s eye. Which eye it is doesn’t matter because the significant thing about this tear is that it is red, a bright, startling red. As it falls down her cheek she becomes aware of its existence. She slowly and carefully reaches up and touches it. She holds her hand to her cheek as if she is surprised that she has skin. As she pulls her hand away, with the red tear now partially smeared on it, more of these unique tears begin to slowly drift down her face. She gazes at her hand and sees the red. There is no emotion of her face; it is as blank as it was when the room first appeared. She drops her hand back to her side and goes back to standing perfectly still gazing straight ahead, the only difference being the steady stream of bright red tears falling down her face.

These tears begin to fall to her clothes, the red staining her already filthy garments. She does nothing to stop the flow of these tears. She stands there unmoving, looking straight ahead. Her breathing seems unaffected by the tears that are flowing. That tears flow more quickly now and she seems to be unaware of how quickly her faded white clothes are turning red. The floor around her is beginning to show the evidence of her tears. Even though the flow has quickened and her clothes and floor are becoming stained, the tears do nothing to change her.

Just as quickly as the room appeared there is suddenly a crowd of people in this room. They move quickly, walking past the girl not noticing her or the bright red tears that have now pooled around her feet. She just stands there unfazed by the crowd, unaffected by her tears, breathing in and out slowly and steadily.

The room is becoming more congested with people. As they hurry past the girl they begin to knock into her. Some of the people brush past her; others knock her so hard it’s a miracle she doesn’t fall over. But even with being knocked around, even with the crowd of people, even with the red tears pooled around her feet and her clothes stained red she does not move. She remains standing, her breathing unchanged.

The crowd slowly disappears and the girl is alone again. The tears have not stopped their flow and there is now a puddle at her feet. She stands in the room unchanged by nothing.

Then there is a man in the room and he is looking right at her. He is directly in her line of vision but she does not appear to see him. The man observes her for a while. Watching as the pool of tears begins to expand.

Just now the girl notices the man. Her eyes lock onto his. They both stare at one another neither moving, both breathing slowly. The man begins to walk slowly toward this girl. He draws close to her. As his bare feet begin to move through the pool of red tears the surround her, her eyes begin to reflect fear. The man stops, just out of arms reach, standing in the red tears. She continues to stare directly into his eyes, but for the second time since her and the room appeared there is movement. She has begun to tremble. Her entire body is shaking and the man simply watches. She slowly rocks forward onto the balls of her feet, then back onto her heels causing her to rock back and forth as she stands trembling. She rocks back and forth, shaking and crying her red tears, all the while her eyes showing fear. Her condition worsens and she loses the ability to stand. Her knees meet the floor, where she is then looking up into the man’s eyes. Now she buries her head in her hands and curls into a ball on the floor. She is now lying in her pool of red tears sobbing uncontrollably. Her breathing is no longer slow and steady. She gasps for air between her sobs. The noise feels the room. It’s unlike any sound ever heard before. The pitch and volume would hurt any normal person’s ears but the man seems unfazed. He stands above her gazing softly down at this now broken girl.

And she is broken. Only this man, this one person, knows how truly broken she is. He has been watching her even before her and the room appeared; he was simply out of sight. Behind her blank stare was a story. Behind those tears of blood was a wound. She didn’t want to acknowledge the wound. She did her best to ignore it. She did a good job too. If it hadn’t been for the appearance of those tears nothing would have changed. Not even the crowd of people slamming into her fazed her. If it had not of been for the appearance of this man, and his desire to close to gap between them then she would have never acknowledged to wound. But now she has no choice. He is too close. He is standing in the mess she has made and she cannot hide from him, so she comes to pieces.

She is now on the floor sobbing uncontrollably. She doesn’t dare look up to gaze into the eyes of this strange man. She doesn’t want him to see her; she wants him to go away. But he is unmoved. It’s as though he is waiting for something, but what, no one knows. A screaming noise begins to escape the girl’s mouth. There are no words, just screams. The sound feels the room. It should frighten the man, all this noise and blood, but he is unfazed. As if the beginning of the screaming was his cue he kneels next to the girl. He reaches out a hand and places it on her back as though to soothe her. But to her it is like hot coals. For the first time words begin to form. “Stop, stop!” She screams. It’s as though his touch is causing her unbearable pain, even though he is barely touching her. Even though she screams and sobs, shakes and cries, the man does not move his hand from her back. He stays by her side.

Then this man does something that seems completely absurd; he sits on the floor, in her tears of blood and scoops her into his arms. He cradles her gently and begins to rock her, like a mother rocking her child to sleep. Even though this man has done nothing to harm her, she continues to scream as though he is causing her unbearable pain.

Then he speaks. What he said, no one knows. But at the sound of his voice she stills. Her breathing is still fast and shallow but she no longer wails, she no longer cries, she lies in his arms, trembling slightly. And he holds her. He is not fazed by anything this girl has done, he seems completely content to sit the rocking this girl back and forth in a soothing sort of way.

Slowly the red begins to disappear from the floor. The pool of blood becomes smaller until it is completely gone. Then her clothes begin to change. The red fades away slowly and her clothes become white again; not the faded dirty white they were to begin with either, they are pure white, like the room around her. The blood does not however, disappear from the man’s clothes. The pool of blood he was sitting in no longer exists but his clothes are still stained red.

The girls breathing has returned to its slow rate and the drum beat of her heart can be heard again. She sits up in this man’s lap and looks around. She looks first at her surroundings, then at herself. She touches her clothes first, then her face. She pulls her hand away to exam it, and realizes that the tears of blood are no longer there. The entire time that she is exploring her surroundings the man is watching her, a simple smile on his face. Then she looks into his eyes for the second time. They look at one another for a while and then something amazing happens. She smiles. It’s a beautiful smile too; just as bright and dazzling as the room around her.

Even those this story is coming to a close, the tale of this girl continues. She and this mysterious man continue to sit on the floor. He is still stained with her tears of blood but he smiles as though nothing could make him happier. She sits calmly in his lap gazing lovingly into his eyes. Somehow he healed the wound. How, no one knows. But what is known is this. He was always there, she just never saw him. The wound was to blame for her pain, not his presence. And even though no one in that crowd noticed her, he did. He saw her tears, he saw her pain and suffering…he saw her. How? No one knows.

Read more »