Pain and Freedom

Oh God! How I want to feel that blade.
I am literally shaking to my core.
My stomach aches, not with physical pain,
but emotion. What emotion? I don’t know,
I can’t identify what I am feeling
I just know it hurts. I want to disappear.
 I want to go to a place where I don’t feel like this,
where I don’t feel so much,
 where I feel nothing, except happiness.
It has been so long since I have felt happiness,
true happiness that is,
a joy that did not end in familiar pain,
 or did not falter under the fear of the next wave of sorrow.
My soul aches for freedom.
Freedom from what, I don’t know.