Night

I hate sleeping at night. The darkness threatens to consume me with the echos of all my fears both past and present. I can hardly stand it. No amount of medication will prevent me from waking up terrified at one point or another. I. Hate. It. But unfortunately it's inevitable. Night is going to come and there is nothing I can do to stop it. So, I turn the TV low and watch Rugrats. I tiptoe around the house, cringing with every noise the floorboards create. I try my hardest to be quiet because I know that as much as I hate sleeping at night...there are three other people in this home that really do enjoy sleeping while the moon is in the sky. And my nighttime adventures have lead to more than one heated conversation. I don't want to keep them awake...but I don't want the other option either. They think I'm crazy and that I'm setting myself up for failure. And if truth be told I would cooperate...but I don't want the other option either. Honestly I wouldn't sleep at all if it were humanly possible. I have nightmares and panic attacks when I sleep during the day too...it's just easier to calm back down when the sun is lighting up your surroundings.

So here's the my dilemma. Night? Or day? Either way I gotta sleep. Do I sacrifice the little bit of comfort I find in daytime sleep...or do I relish in the smaller amount of time it takes to calm down in daylight. Do I wake terrified in darkness...clawing at my skin to calm down, or do I allow the other three occupants of this household a little more quiet to aid their beauty sleep? I wish I could tell you I'm that selfless. That I would willingly give up the small bit of sanity that I get from sleeping with the sun....but I'm not that selfless...and I'm not proud of it.

So my appologies to the other occupants of this household. I'll try and keep it down...but I'm just not strong enough to give you what your asking for. I hope you will forgive me.

Love, Randi

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Another Setback

It's time to be open and honest with you guys. I was administratively withdrawn from graduate school last week. Not gonna lie...it hurt like hell. But I'm not gonna say that it blind sided me or anything like that. The signs were there. Misunderstandings, overreactions, one-sided conversations and that sick feeling in the pit of your stomach when you know a bomb is getting ready to go off and there is nothing you can do to stop it. But I'm handling it pretty well I think. I mean I'm under a lot of stress right now with trying to figure out how I'm going to stay independent without financial aid money, but I'm not giving up without a fight.

The director of the program says I can come back after I address their concerns. I'm not going to go into detail about what all they say is a problem, but I will say that most of it is nonsense. I'm already addressing the issues they want addressed in therapy and with medication. That doesn't mean I don't make mistakes or have setbacks, but it does mean I'm trying really hard. But the last item on the director's list of things in need of addressing really stunned me. She stated that she doesn't think that my desire to help people is genuine. She believes that I'm in the program to treat myself. I read that and an entire mountain of deadly scenarios flashed through my mind...most of them involving..well I'm not gonna go there...but you get the point. My skin crawled, I developed a twitch in my neck, I cracked my knuckles and stared at the screen in utter disbelief. How could someone who is supposed to be educating future counselors being so judgmental? She hasn't spend even an hour with me, how dare she make suck judgments? I'm actually relieved that she sent that information in an email instead of telling me to my face, because I'm not entirely sure that I wouldn't have at the lest tried to slap her. Now some of you may be wondering if there is any validity to this, so I'm going to tell you guys a few things about me and then I'll leave the rest up to you.

Growing up wasn't very easy for me. I was being abused at church, bullied in school and home life could be a little crazy to say the least...so things were really difficult sometimes. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying my parents were bad parents...I love them and I think they did the best they could with what they had, and I like to think I didn't turn out too bad, so that must mean something...right? So anyways, when I was 9 I started going to church camp. I was so super excited about this new level of independence I was gaining. I remember laughing and jumping up and down on a bed in a dorm room celebrating with a church friend that we wouldn't have to wear bras since our mothers weren't there to make us. (I still wore mine, but the idea that I didn't have to made me happy.) So camp went on and we played hard during the day and went to church at night. Church was fun...they did it to target my generation particularly so for the first time in my life I actually looked forward to church. They called for all the kids that wanted to dedicate their lives to Christ to come up and I stayed seated because I had taken care of that a long time ago. But as I watched my peers kneel and weep I begin to get the impression that there was more to God than I thought. So I got up and went up there. Long story short, God wrapped his arms around me and I melted into His hands and I haven't forgotten His very real presence since.

A lot of things changed for me that night. God became real for me in a way that I hand't had before. He wasn't just an abstract figure off in the distance that made all the adults in my church run around screaming and speaking in tongues. I talked to God...I don't call it prayer because that's not how it feels to me...it feels like talking to someone who is sitting across a table from me. We chat, sometimes about the little things, other times about hard things. I found that I liked dancing with Him. I would play my music and sway back and forth as though I was slow dancing with Jesus. I would snuggle with God when I was upset at night. And in those dark night when I would retreat in fear to my closet, I would feel Him sit there with me...and even though I was terrified and crying He would sit there with me.

My point here is that it was in that night, when God made Himself truly real to me that He also awakened a desire in me to bring that same loving embrace to others. So this is what I have pursued. And this past week I faced another setback. Not only did I face another setback, but my character was questioned...and to be honest my initial response wasn't a very Godly one. But I'm a work in progress.

So this is where I leave you all. I'm in the middle of another setback, but I'm believing that God will make a way for me to do this. I believe that He has called me to do this, and I have to have faith that things will work out in the end. For now I'm waiting...I'm doing the best I can and I'm waiting and trusting in Him,

Love, Randi

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Another Curve Ball

So life has thrown me another curve ball. A few weeks ago my psychiatrist doubled my dosage of my antipsychotic and the results have been more than I could have ever hoped for. It wasn’t until my therapist pointed it out today that I really comprehended the difference in me. You see, my school forced me to withdraw from my program this week. I was heartbroken...to say the least. I sobbed and called into work…I was in pieces and frightened of the future. You see I was living off of the student loans, but now that’s not an option. I’m working part time but I don’t make enough money working part time to make pay all of my bills…so I’m scared to say the least. I have about two weeks before everything will start being due, so I’m turning me eyes toward God and saying “alright, you gotta do something because I haven’t got a clue.”

But back to my point…my new med change has really been great for me. Today my therapist asked to see my eyes…I avoid eye contact in session, don’t ask why…but when I looked up he goes “Wow!” he says “Randi, you’re actually here…I see more of you today than I have ever seen. You’re present…you are in a very stressful situation right now, but you’re present!” And when he said it I realized it was true. When Emmanuel kicked me out, I checked out for a few days. I felt empty inside and I recall one moment when I was just sitting on my bed watching my mom hang clothes in my closet and I just didn’t have anything in me to help her…I was gone. But I’m not gone this time…I’m hurting…I’m scared…I’m worried, but I’m here. And I’m not going down without a fight. So I gathered all of the shoes I own that I don’t wear very often and I gathered all of the purses and bags that I don’t use anymore and I took pictures, signed up for an PayPal account, signed up for a eBay account and listed a bunch of stuff for sale. Momma is collecting things for me to sale and I’m changed my schedule at work so that I’m getting more hours now. So like I said, I’m not giving up without a fight.

And I’m not giving up the dream. I’m not going to quit fighting toward becoming a licensed therapist…but I do think I am gonna try a different route other than Montreat. I’ll admit that my feelings are more than a little hurt. It seems to me that it is these schools that claim Christ at their center are the schools that have a problem with me. But it’s not even that, that has my feeling so hurt. I received an email with a list of problem behaviors that Montreat feels I need to address before they will let me return to the program and at the very end of the list the program director states that she feels that I am not in the program out of a genuine desire to help people, but instead out of a desire to treat myself. It’s a good thing she said that in an email and not to my face…there’s not enough medication in the world for me to handle that. Don’t you just love it when people make judgments about you, when they don’t even known you? And to make matters worse she sent that email to an entire committee regarding my situation. So I wrote a response. I didn’t write it with the purpose of changing their minds, honestly if the head of a counseling program is that judgmental about people, I’m not sure I want anything to do with the program anymore, but anyways, I was a little hurt about what was said.

So I’m hanging in there. I’m fighting this battle. I don’t find it a coincidence that I started feeling “normal” a few weeks before this happened. This is just another battle to fight on the way to my destiny. I know God has called me to help people, and I know that one of the ways He wants me to do it is through counseling people, but the road to get there is not one that I am aware of right now…and I’m trying to keep an open mind about other ways that God might call me to help His broken and hurting children. But for now, I’m taking it a day at a time,

Love Randi

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Who is the REAL Enemy?

I had a rough day today. I posted late last night about how God has been really ministering to me and I feel like I’m really becoming the woman He wants me to be in order to walk in the destiny He has for me. Then today.

I love how predictable the enemy is. I announced how amazing God is last night and then Satan attacked me where it hurts today. I sat in a meeting and listen to two people question my destiny this afternoon. I listened to them attack my competency academically, professionally and personally…and it really hurt. I tried with great effort to defend myself, but it fell upon deaf ears. And the most painful part was the familiarity of their argument. I thought, as tears fell down my face, oh God don’t let history repeat itself. Don’t get me wrong…I don’t believe these individuals view what they did as an attack…but it was. It was an attack on the things God has promised me...and it slashed deep. When they finished their attack they put on smiling faces, while I cried, and asked what they could do to help me get ready for class. I told them to leave me alone.

I called my therapist and sobbed…I was actually sobbing so hard he told me to stop and calm down because he couldn’t understand me. He listened and then he encourage…then he gave me a game plan…and then he prayed…I love that I have a praying therapist. So I went through class, head held high, and walked out with my dignity in place. After class a friend and I sat in my car and slowly my sorrow turned to anger. I was very angry. You see I hate when people hide their true intentions behind smiling faces and false pretenses. These people sing the good song…we care…we want you to succeed…blah, blah, blah. What they are truly saying is that they want to make sure the institution is protected and their job is secure. I get fed up with the lies about actually caring about me. Don’t get me wrong, I believe that these people really do believe that they care…I think they really have convinced themselves of this…but after all these years of hearing different people sing the same tune I have discerned to truth.

But then I called my momma. I got an awesome momma. She prays. She speaks truth…even when I want to punch her in the face for it. She’s fearless and fierce…I admire her so much. She is a genuine woman. What you see is what you get. She understands what’s important and what isn’t. She knows how to have fun and still love God. She taught me how to love God and have fun doing it. I love my momma. But yeah…I called momma. I vented…I was pissed…she listened calmly and then reminded me who the real enemy is. She reminded me that those two people aren’t who I should be angry at, and she’s right.

So I got angry with the devil. I was going to sit here and type out some scriptures of encouragement for myself, but on the way over hear I started singing a song I haven’t heard in...I’m pretty sure it’s been years. “Nothing is impossible for you, nothing is impossible...” And I stopped walking and said to myself…what am I singing? Because I honestly didn’t know…the song came from my soul…it wasn’t a conscious decision to sing it…it rose up out of the place inside me that sings of the things of God. So I sung a few more lines and realized what I was singing. I marched over to my laptop and opened iTunes…

Healer

You hold my very moment

You calm my raging seas

You walk with me through fire

And heal all my disease

I trust in You, I trust in You

I believe You're my healer

I believe You are all I need

I believe

And I believe You're my portion

I believe You're more than enough for me

Jesus You're all I need

You hold my very moment

You calm my raging seas

You walk with me through fire

And heal all my disease

I trust in You, Lord I trust in You

I believe You're my healer

I believe You are all I need

Oh, I believe

I believe You're my portion

I believe You're more than enough for me

Jesus You're all I need

Nothing is impossible for You

Nothing is impossible

Nothing is impossible for You

You hold my world in Your hands

I believe You're my healer

I believe You are all I need

Oh, yes You are, yes You are

And I believe You're my portion

Lord I believe You're more than enough for me

Jesus You're all I need

More than enough for me

Jesus You're all I need

You're my healer

I love God. I really do. My heart has been full of pain and doubt ever since that meeting...but God! J He walks with my through fire and heals all my disease! He is all that I need! He is more than enough for me! Nothing is impossible for Him! He is my healer and I stand firmly by the things He has promised me. So it’s on repeat and I sing it loud…and hope my neighbors sleep through it.

Thanks God for reminding me that You are here with me and as always You’re holding my hand.

Love, Randi

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Broken Vessels

My mind is buzzing, my eyes are tired and my heart is full tonight. My life has been a whirlwind the past month. I moved out on my own, I started working part time and I made a spectacular display of grace and dignity that has resulted in two trips to the orthopedic urgent care and a future appointment with my ankle doctor. My leg, ankle and foot are still swollen but the rest of me is starting to find a new rhythm. I find these late hours soothing. The sun sets but there is no dark night sky nor chirping crickets of the country anymore, instead there is the warm glow of city and the gentle hum of traffic on the outer beltline. I think the thing I most enjoy about these hours is getting to listen to my worship music and have my own little worship service. Right now I sit here typing and swaying as I listen to “Broken Vessels,” off the new Hillsong album for about the third time…and it still stirs my soul.

Actually a lot of things have been stirring my soul lately. I saw a homeless man in the rain at a stop light the other day. My heart broke. I wanted to throw open my car door and tell him to get in. I wanted to bring him back here, offer him a warm shower, clean and dry clothes and a good meal…but then I thought to myself…I can’t do that! I’m a twenty something single woman living by herself…I would be insane to invite a homeless man into my home. But it stirred something in me and I can’t get him out of my head. Something about him made me want to smother him in the love of Christ and I’m finding that desire in me is becoming more and more prevalent. I'm finding myself looking at people I don't even know and being overcome with a strong desire to just...love on them...but you don't randomly hug strangers...especially me...I don't like hugs...period. So this is a very strange thing for me.

At least once a week I find myself sitting at this kitchen table sobbing my heart out to God…singing horribly to the lyrics of my favorite songs, speaking His language and I find myself experiencing something different. I think a lot about what my life is going to look like as a professional counselor and I know this one thing to be true…I will make a difference.

I’m taking Ethics in Counseling right now and we are looking a lot at what is right and wrong in our profession…well it’s much more complicated than that, but for the sake of simplicity I will leave it at that. And we were talking about self-disclosure in counseling. And I had decided a long time ago that I disliked counselors that tried to talk about themselves in relation to my problems, so I wouldn’t do that to any of my clients. Don’t get me wrong, I understand the temptation, but I also understand that no one person is the same. But we have been talking about social media and the potential risks and benefits that it presents in the profession. And in the process of this discussion the subject of my blog came up. And so my instructor raised the question…how will I maintain my decision to leave self-disclosure out of the client-counselor relationship when I am publishing personal things on my blog. And now I find myself faced with a dilemma. Can I operate this blog while maintaining my boundaries in session?

And I have given it a lot of thought over the past few weeks. This blog helps me in many ways, but in many other ways it is a ministry. It is a way for me to prove to you that you can have a mental illness and still be successful. It is a way for me to prove that you can have a mental illness and be a Christian. It is a way for me prove to you that mental illness does not equal demonic procession or oppression, as many Christians have maintained through the years. It is a way for me to prove to you the psychotropic medications are not something of the devil and they can actually be a God given tool in recovery and management of mental illness. It is a way for you to see someone fail, struggle and hurt, but also succeed, find victory and bask in the amazing healing power of The Most High King. And for those of you that know me and see me in real life, and not just my words, I take comfort in the fact that you respect me…despite seeing my struggles up here, you don’t treat me as though I am any less of a capable being. Now don't get me wrong...there will be a new level of thought put into what I post, but I will never stop using this blog in the way that God has asked me to.

So, God has been stirring some things in me. I know he wants me to continue to write. I know that there are those of you out there that are blessed by this blog. But I know there is so much more…and I think that these past few weeks have been hard, but they have also been very fulfilling. The Holy Spirit has ministered to me more nights in these wee hours of the night than He has in any other part of my life. And I look forward to what He has in store.

Hillsong Live: “Broken Vessels” Second Verse
You take our failure
You take our weakness
You set Your treasure
In jars of clay
So take this hear, Lord
I'll be Your vessel
The world to see
Your love in me

Love, Randi

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