Night

I hate sleeping at night. The darkness threatens to consume me with the echos of all my fears both past and present. I can hardly stand it. No amount of medication will prevent me from waking up terrified at one point or another. I. Hate. It. But unfortunately it's inevitable. Night is going to come and there is nothing I can do to stop it. So, I turn the TV low and watch Rugrats. I tiptoe around the house, cringing with every noise the floorboards create. I try my hardest to be quiet because I know that as much as I hate sleeping at night...there are three other people in this home that really do enjoy sleeping while the moon is in the sky. And my nighttime adventures have lead to more than one heated conversation. I don't want to keep them awake...but I don't want the other option either. They think I'm crazy and that I'm setting myself up for failure. And if truth be told I would cooperate...but I don't want the other option either. Honestly I wouldn't sleep at all if it were humanly possible. I have nightmares and panic attacks when I sleep during the day too...it's just easier to calm back down when the sun is lighting up your surroundings.

So here's the my dilemma. Night? Or day? Either way I gotta sleep. Do I sacrifice the little bit of comfort I find in daytime sleep...or do I relish in the smaller amount of time it takes to calm down in daylight. Do I wake terrified in darkness...clawing at my skin to calm down, or do I allow the other three occupants of this household a little more quiet to aid their beauty sleep? I wish I could tell you I'm that selfless. That I would willingly give up the small bit of sanity that I get from sleeping with the sun....but I'm not that selfless...and I'm not proud of it.

So my appologies to the other occupants of this household. I'll try and keep it down...but I'm just not strong enough to give you what your asking for. I hope you will forgive me.

Love, Randi