The director of the program says I can come back after I address their concerns. I'm not going to go into detail about what all they say is a problem, but I will say that most of it is nonsense. I'm already addressing the issues they want addressed in therapy and with medication. That doesn't mean I don't make mistakes or have setbacks, but it does mean I'm trying really hard. But the last item on the director's list of things in need of addressing really stunned me. She stated that she doesn't think that my desire to help people is genuine. She believes that I'm in the program to treat myself. I read that and an entire mountain of deadly scenarios flashed through my mind...most of them involving..well I'm not gonna go there...but you get the point. My skin crawled, I developed a twitch in my neck, I cracked my knuckles and stared at the screen in utter disbelief. How could someone who is supposed to be educating future counselors being so judgmental? She hasn't spend even an hour with me, how dare she make suck judgments? I'm actually relieved that she sent that information in an email instead of telling me to my face, because I'm not entirely sure that I wouldn't have at the lest tried to slap her. Now some of you may be wondering if there is any validity to this, so I'm going to tell you guys a few things about me and then I'll leave the rest up to you.
Growing up wasn't very easy for me. I was being abused at church, bullied in school and home life could be a little crazy to say the least...so things were really difficult sometimes. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying my parents were bad parents...I love them and I think they did the best they could with what they had, and I like to think I didn't turn out too bad, so that must mean something...right? So anyways, when I was 9 I started going to church camp. I was so super excited about this new level of independence I was gaining. I remember laughing and jumping up and down on a bed in a dorm room celebrating with a church friend that we wouldn't have to wear bras since our mothers weren't there to make us. (I still wore mine, but the idea that I didn't have to made me happy.) So camp went on and we played hard during the day and went to church at night. Church was fun...they did it to target my generation particularly so for the first time in my life I actually looked forward to church. They called for all the kids that wanted to dedicate their lives to Christ to come up and I stayed seated because I had taken care of that a long time ago. But as I watched my peers kneel and weep I begin to get the impression that there was more to God than I thought. So I got up and went up there. Long story short, God wrapped his arms around me and I melted into His hands and I haven't forgotten His very real presence since.
A lot of things changed for me that night. God became real for me in a way that I hand't had before. He wasn't just an abstract figure off in the distance that made all the adults in my church run around screaming and speaking in tongues. I talked to God...I don't call it prayer because that's not how it feels to me...it feels like talking to someone who is sitting across a table from me. We chat, sometimes about the little things, other times about hard things. I found that I liked dancing with Him. I would play my music and sway back and forth as though I was slow dancing with Jesus. I would snuggle with God when I was upset at night. And in those dark night when I would retreat in fear to my closet, I would feel Him sit there with me...and even though I was terrified and crying He would sit there with me.
My point here is that it was in that night, when God made Himself truly real to me that He also awakened a desire in me to bring that same loving embrace to others. So this is what I have pursued. And this past week I faced another setback. Not only did I face another setback, but my character was questioned...and to be honest my initial response wasn't a very Godly one. But I'm a work in progress.
So this is where I leave you all. I'm in the middle of another setback, but I'm believing that God will make a way for me to do this. I believe that He has called me to do this, and I have to have faith that things will work out in the end. For now I'm waiting...I'm doing the best I can and I'm waiting and trusting in Him,
Love, Randi
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