Another Curve Ball

So life has thrown me another curve ball. A few weeks ago my psychiatrist doubled my dosage of my antipsychotic and the results have been more than I could have ever hoped for. It wasn’t until my therapist pointed it out today that I really comprehended the difference in me. You see, my school forced me to withdraw from my program this week. I was heartbroken...to say the least. I sobbed and called into work…I was in pieces and frightened of the future. You see I was living off of the student loans, but now that’s not an option. I’m working part time but I don’t make enough money working part time to make pay all of my bills…so I’m scared to say the least. I have about two weeks before everything will start being due, so I’m turning me eyes toward God and saying “alright, you gotta do something because I haven’t got a clue.”

But back to my point…my new med change has really been great for me. Today my therapist asked to see my eyes…I avoid eye contact in session, don’t ask why…but when I looked up he goes “Wow!” he says “Randi, you’re actually here…I see more of you today than I have ever seen. You’re present…you are in a very stressful situation right now, but you’re present!” And when he said it I realized it was true. When Emmanuel kicked me out, I checked out for a few days. I felt empty inside and I recall one moment when I was just sitting on my bed watching my mom hang clothes in my closet and I just didn’t have anything in me to help her…I was gone. But I’m not gone this time…I’m hurting…I’m scared…I’m worried, but I’m here. And I’m not going down without a fight. So I gathered all of the shoes I own that I don’t wear very often and I gathered all of the purses and bags that I don’t use anymore and I took pictures, signed up for an PayPal account, signed up for a eBay account and listed a bunch of stuff for sale. Momma is collecting things for me to sale and I’m changed my schedule at work so that I’m getting more hours now. So like I said, I’m not giving up without a fight.

And I’m not giving up the dream. I’m not going to quit fighting toward becoming a licensed therapist…but I do think I am gonna try a different route other than Montreat. I’ll admit that my feelings are more than a little hurt. It seems to me that it is these schools that claim Christ at their center are the schools that have a problem with me. But it’s not even that, that has my feeling so hurt. I received an email with a list of problem behaviors that Montreat feels I need to address before they will let me return to the program and at the very end of the list the program director states that she feels that I am not in the program out of a genuine desire to help people, but instead out of a desire to treat myself. It’s a good thing she said that in an email and not to my face…there’s not enough medication in the world for me to handle that. Don’t you just love it when people make judgments about you, when they don’t even known you? And to make matters worse she sent that email to an entire committee regarding my situation. So I wrote a response. I didn’t write it with the purpose of changing their minds, honestly if the head of a counseling program is that judgmental about people, I’m not sure I want anything to do with the program anymore, but anyways, I was a little hurt about what was said.

So I’m hanging in there. I’m fighting this battle. I don’t find it a coincidence that I started feeling “normal” a few weeks before this happened. This is just another battle to fight on the way to my destiny. I know God has called me to help people, and I know that one of the ways He wants me to do it is through counseling people, but the road to get there is not one that I am aware of right now…and I’m trying to keep an open mind about other ways that God might call me to help His broken and hurting children. But for now, I’m taking it a day at a time,

Love Randi