Growing Pains

Being comfortable with who you are, isn’t an overnight event. It is something that takes years to walk in. To be completely honest it is something I have really just started experiencing over the past few months. I have really grown through my writing, these past two months. Up until I started publishing things up here I didn’t really know what to do with all of the thoughts inside of my head. I just mainly kept to myself and was acutely aware of how different I am from everyone else. A trusted friend suggested I start a blog and at first I was opposed to the idea. I didn’t think that anyone would want to read what I had to say. Once again I thought to myself that I am so different no one could possibly be able to relate to my writings. I had lots of things that I had written over the years and saved to my external hard drive and I just kept them to myself. Every once in a while I would share one with a trusted friend but as for the idea of letting the general public read my stuff…well that was a scary idea.

Obviously I finally got up the courage to do it. I just sat down one Saturday afternoon and started putting this blog together. I went through and read almost all of my old writings and picked a few that I was comfortable enough with that I thought I might be able to share. It was hard picking, because as a writer everything you write reveals something about who you are, even if it is fiction it reveals. It was nerve wrecking deciding what I would allow others to see about me…I was very (and sometimes still am) insecure about what other people think about me. I am not someone who has a lot of friends but the ones I do have I care very deeply about them and what they think of me and my accomplishments.

I made the blog live that night and told everyone of Facebook about it. I encouraged comments and waited nervously to see what people’s reactions would be. I wish I could say it was all good. Some people got concerned about my well being. Most of the things I write have a dark edge to them and I discovered that a lot people just don’t know what to do when they come into contact with someone’s darkness. I think it challenged some people’s beliefs. I think differently from the average individual and with making my blog live I was, in a sense, waving a big sign around that showed how different my way of thinking is and a lot of people just don’t know what to do when they come into contact with something so different than what they believe.

After the first 48 hours, or so, of hearing certain people express concerns about me I wanted to take it down. I thought I know I am crazy, but that doesn’t mean I need the entire world to know how crazy I truly am. But as you can see I stuck with it. And then the good comments started coming in. I started getting hits on my newer posts and some people even sent me private messages thanking me for sharing. I started posting on Twitter and Pinterest and that opened it up for even more people to come into contact with my writing. As of this weekend I have gone over 1,000 hits on this blog. I know that for some people this seems like such a small accomplishment, but to me it feels so huge. To me, it means the world.

If this blog reaches one person then I have done my job. If my words touch one heart, if my posts strike up one decent conversation, if my poetry or short stories allow one person find a little light, if this blog helps one person draw closer to God then I have done my job. I don’t care how many people think I am strange, or how many people think I need to go back to the psychiatric hospital, or think that I need to be put back in my place, if this changes one soul then I have done my job! And I know that I have done my job. I know because of your comments and private messages and the conversations I have had with classmates, friends and acquaintances. I know.

I will let you in on a little secret…it’s not really me who writes these things. It’s the God in me. Even the dark stuff is God, because God loves the good and the bad. He accepts me and you for who we are. He does not turn his back on us when we mess up. He does not look the other way when we cry, or curse, or have a relapse, or any of the other wrong things that we manage to do throughout a day. He looks right at all of us and says I love you. The good, the bad and the ugly, He loves it all. And that is what this blog truly is…a labor of love.

On my page the beginning I say to you all that I want to share my light and dark so that you too can find some light. And I believe that this is really what God wants us all as Christians to do. You see when we only share our light we are closing the door to non believers. When all they see are the good things we say and do it leads them to believing that they cannot possibly be good enough to be a Christian. But when we open ourselves up and say “Hey, I have dark in me too,” we are releasing God’s love into the world. Because God loves our dark side just as much as He loves our light side. And I believe that this has been the key to me becoming more comfortable with who I am. For so long I shoved away my dark and showed only my light, but I didn’t make a difference to anyone. All people saw was a goodie-two-shoes evangelical that did nothing wrong. But when I started opening up about who I really am and my struggles, as well as my successes, I started making a difference to people. What I am saying here is, strive for the light but be willing to embrace the dark.

So I am growing every day. And that means that I am on the way to becoming the woman of God I am called to be. But growing means growing pains. You can’t grow without a little pain. So yeah, you’re going to see some darkness on this blog alongside of the light, but just remember I am showing you the love of God. When I post the bad I am really saying, “Hey look, I’m in a bad place right now, but God love me anyways, and He loves you too.”

Thanks for getting me to 1,000 hits. Much love,

Love, Randi