Exacto Knife

Katherine rocks slowly back and forth in her desk chair. The only sound heard is the creaking of her chair each time she rocks forward. She holds the cool silver Exacto knife between her thumb and middle finger, rolling it back and forth. Time and time again she has picked the blade up, trying to decide if she wants to do it or not. Revisiting the darkest places in her mind she can't decide in darkness or light should win tonight. Her heart is visibly pounding in her chest as she sits there contemplating the possible consequences of her choices. The blade has now taken on her body heat and has warmed between her fingers. Watery blue eyes stare off into space seeing the unknown horrors of her mind. She taps the sharp point of the blade with her finger and it pricks her. Warm red slowly appears and expands. She places the knife on her black wooden desk. Its click seems to finalize her decision. Light will win tonight. What tomorrow hold she does not know but tonight she will not cut.

Time and time again I have sat in my room rocking like this fighting my battle with cutting. In the past I have lost those battle more times than I care to admit too. And it truly is a battle. Anyone who has ever been there knows what I am talking about. You sit there so consumed by your pain...it is unbearable. You want nothing more than an escape. Darkness seems to consume you and the only way you can think of finding your way out of the dark is through red. And when that blade disappears beneath your skin and red blooms in that neat line for a few moments there is quiet. Nothing happens inside your head...and for those few moments you feel at peace with yourself and the world. But it only lasts for a few moments. When the peace fades and your left with those cuts you feel the guilt. You know that what you just did was horrible and you want nothing more than to take back your actions, but you can't. And as the cuts heal and turn into scars you regret what you did with a passion. And the more guilt you feel the more the darkness begins to consume you again and then you are right back where you were, wanting to cut again...wanting to bleed more. The more you do it the more it consumes you. You want nothing more than to escape the pain that your life has become and cut. It is a endless cycle and you get addicted to those few moments of peace you get when you slash open your skin. It's hard to stop once your addicted.
Cutters often times feel things more strongly than the average person. You see it is normal to feel down when you have had a bad day but what a cutter feels at the end of a bad day is much more than feeling a little down. You feel as though nothing will ever go right again and no matter how hard you try there will always be pain, hurt, disappointment, suffering, and more darkness. At the end of a bad day a cutter doesn't know how to get past the pain...we get stuck in that bad day, our thoughts going over and over and over again with the memories and thoughts of that day. And if we have never been taught how to cope with our overwhelming strong emotions we end up isolating ourselves and cutting.
I have been a cutter since I was 13 years old. I am now 25 and I am fighting my hardest to quit. I am learning ways to cope with my overwhelming emotions. I have a list of distraction techniques I go to when I am upset to pull myself out of whatever cycle of negative thinking my brain may be on. I have breathing techniques I use to slow down my heart rate and relieve the anxiety that often drives me to the blade. I have learned a thought diffusion technique that involves me imagining the bad thoughts floating away down a river as though they were leaves. (This probably sounds silly but the key is the imagine them floating away and without judging the thoughts and then to focus on breathing in order to stop them from returning and then you move back into imagining another thought float away.) I have friends, family and professionals that I turn to and they help me when I am in need.
To be honest my biggest problem is not the pain and suffering, it is me. I do not like to admit when I am suffering. I hate going to someone and telling them that I need them. I feel weak and useless when I do this. And I know in my mind that admitting you need help is really a sign of strength but I still have trouble getting my mind around that. I have trouble with my pride.
To all my readers that have struggled with an addiction...whether it be cutting, alcohol or even food...you need to know that there are better ways. You have to be willing to admit you need help. You have to be willing to swallow your pride and seek the help you need. You cannot defeat your addiction on your own...you need help. Admitting you need help is a huge leap toward recovery. When you are willing to admit that you cannot do it on your own you open the door for God to begin his healing work. When you keep it bottled up and try and conquer it on your own you close the door to God's plans for your life. I do not believe that God ever intended us to battle addictions in solitude.
I don't know about you guys but I want to walk in the will of God. I want to experience his plans for my life. That means giving up my old ways and walking in his healing presence. I have to be willing to humble myself and admit I can't do this on my own. And I have to remind myself every day...sometimes several times a day...that I can't fight this battle by myself. I have to turn to God, and turning to God means turning to the people that God has put in my life. It means going to them and telling them I'm having a hard time. It means admitting to them that I can't do this on my own. It means being humble. And I believe that humility is a big step toward healing.

Psalms 149: 4 For the LORD takes pleasure in his people; he adorns the humble with salvation.

Lord, help me to be humble in everyday life. Remind me each day that I am nothing without you and that I can't do this without you. Thank you for the people you have put in my life. I can't fight this battle on my own and I know that you never intended me to. Help me reach out when I am hurting. Help me see your light in my darkness. Thank you for your healing power and thank you that the battle is already won. In your name I pray, Amen.