Daring to Dream Again

Over the years I have had many slaps in the face when it comes to my dreams. I have been kicked out one undergraduate college for mental health reasons and I have been kicked out of one graduate college for mental health reasons. I had to drop out of another graduate school because I couldn’t handle it due to my mental health. So, I have to face it…achieving my goals seems impossible. But despite my many setbacks I still managed to graduate with a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. A feat that is rather impressive, (according to several therapists and my psychiatrist anyways) seeing as I was hospitalized seven times in eight years and had to deal with severe mood swings, overwhelming emotions, extreme anxiety and even psychosis, to name a few things. But I haven’t yet managed to get my graduate degree…and it’s something I want…desperately. Because in order to become what I really want to become in life…I need that graduate degree.

You see, I’ve wanted to be a therapist since high school…even before I started having mental health problems. Even before bipolar disorder, PTSD and Borderline Personality disorder. That may seem hard to believe, but I kinda see it as destiny. I had a desire to help people before I needed help myself. And now I have a perspective that a lot of clinicians just don’t have. (And honestly a lot of them could use a little perspective from the other side of the chair.)

And now I’m doing better than I have in eight years thanks to a new medication change. I mean, I know I have a long way to go, but…I can’t help but have hope. I’m better today than I have been in the past eight years. So I’m thinking…I’m dreaming…just a little. There is a little voice in me that says…what if…what if you try again? What if you make it this time?

So, here’s what I’m thinking about doing in the fall. Applying. Just applying for a part time program. No full time. I don’t want to push myself too much. And I’m going to take advantage of the school’s disability department this time. I’m not going to try and act like I don’t need help. Because let’s face it…if there is one thing the past eight years have taught me is that I’m not normal. So, I’m done pretending like I can do it without help.

If I get into the program I want to get into I would start Summer of 2018, which means I have just about a year to work on myself a little more. Which means I have a short window of time to work on better managing overwhelming emotions and that pesky, ever lingering anxiety that I seem to have.

But right now I don’t have a therapist. But I am working on that. I have an appointment with one next week and we will see how that goes. And I am on a waiting list for another one. I have a better feeling about one of them than I do about the other, but we will see how it goes. I'm taking my old therapist's advice and trying out more than one just to get a feel for what's out there, and in order to get the best possible therapist I can...seeing as I can no longer see him. (As far as I'm concerned he is the best out there and I would recommend him to anyone.)

So, here I am, at the end of June 2017 daring to dream again. And I’m scared. I don’t want to fail again. Because if I fail again I don’t think I will be able to try anymore. If I fail again I will probably just calls is quits and try and get myself declared permanently disabled and get my student loans done away with. Because the only thing stopping me from trying to do that right now is that I have just a little hope that I am not permanently disabled…that I can, one day, work like everyone else does…that I can be “normal,” like everyone else.

I’m nervous, sure, but I’m gonna try and be brave too…because I want that degree. I always have and probably always will. And I have to believe God put that desire in my heart for a reason. So, wish me luck guys, because come this fall I’m gonna try and get into a graduate school. God's will be done!

Love, Randi