Living in a Fog

A little over two years ago I was hospitalized for the 7^th time in a psychiatric hospital. I was suicidal, having a mixed bipolar episode and psychotic…at least that’s what I remember. They scrapped all my medications and started me on an entirely new set of meds. It was hard. I was in there for over two weeks, but when I came out, I was stable.

But things weren’t quite right. I wasn’t really me. But even though I wasn’t myself I was willing to move forward with the new meds. Over time it became clear I wasn’t really interested in much anymore. I didn’t really care to get dressed up and play in my makeup. I didn’t read anymore. I didn’t really comprehend things very well. I was a shell of a person. I was living in a fog. But still the memory of suicidality and hearing voices and seeing demons and being depressed and being extremely anxious and having horrible flashbacks and intrusive thoughts and mania and being insanely paranoid haunted me…so I did nothing to change the side effects of my new meds.

But as months turned to years it became clear that this was no way to live. So I got brave. I talked to my then therapist, Dolan and my psychiatrist, Lynn about what was going on. And they agreed…it was no way to live. They too, were tired of watching me live as an empty shell. So Lynn said there was a newer medicine that we hadn’t tried before that we could try. We had singled out the medicine that was causing the fog and we were going to try and come off of it and replace it with a new medication that would hopefully keep me stable enough to live a life outside of the fog again.

And so we began…a few months ago now, slowly titrating off Haldol and going onto Vraylar. It was a long process. But slowly the fog has lifted. And slowly my personality has come back. And even better, most of my symptoms have stayed away. There has been no psychosis, no mania, no depression and no mixed episodes.

I have now been off Haldol 2 weeks and I couldn’t be happier. I read again. I spend more time with friends. I go out more. I get dressed up and play in my makeup again. I can concentrate again. I can comprehend things again. I have a personality again. A few days after I completely stop the Haldol I was reflected on the past two years and I really realized that I couldn’t remember a lot of it…it’s all, well…a fog.

There have been tradeoffs though. My anxiety is back with a vengeance. Especially the past week its come back really bad. But that means I just need to focus on my coping strategies that Dolan taught me over all those years together. (Thanks Dolan!) And my PTSD symptoms have come back too. I’ve got to deal with this stuff in therapy…I know. But it’s nice to be out of a fog. It’s nice to have my life back. It’s nice to be back.

So, I’m gonna try and write more. I have missed writing. It’s hard to be creative when your brain is being sedated. I’ve missed you guys, and I hope you’ve missed me. I look forward to posting up here more. This is all for now,

Love, Randi