It has been a long time since I have sat down and posted on this blog. I wish I could get up here and testify that all my problems have gone away and that all is marry and bright...but that would be a lie. I did get the job I wanted and had prayed for back at the first of September last year but it only lasted two months before my mental health crashed and I had to quit. I think I jumped in head first at the first opportunity that presented itself without thinking things through and I just wasn't ready.
It really hurt me to quit. I felt like a failure. I felt like I was letting down everyone that had been praying for me to get a job; everyone that had hoped and believed in me. And now I sit here jobless...still on disability and wondering if I will ever be able to hold down a job.
To be honest I don't know what my next move is. I'm thinking I'm gonna volunteer somewhere but I don't know where yet. For right now I'm taking it a day at a time and just managing my mental health to the best of my ability.
However, aside from the job snag I'm doing pretty good. I seem to be on the right cocktail of medication and I got a really good therapist finally. I have been reading books a lot more over the past year. I think last year I read about 35 books...somewhere around that number...and I'm already hitting close to ten this year.
Reading is really good for my mental health. It allows me to escape my anxiety and paranoia riddled brain for a while. When I read I disappear into the novel and forget about the constant tightness in my chest and the overwhelming feeling of being watched. I don't know if those feelings will ever completely go away but reading does offer some release.
I discovered this release in the hospital a few years back when I realized that if I read when I was hearing voices the voices got quieter when I focused on a book. Last year in January it occurred to me that if that worked for voices then why not for my other symptoms. Plus I have always enjoyed a good book so I started watching YouTube videos for book recommendations and became hooked on reading again like I use to be before I became mentally ill. It's a truly wonderful escape.
I've been talking to God a lot lately. Talking about everything. Asking for direction for my life, praying for my friends and family and even just talking about my day with Him. I seem to be getting one message back from him though...GET YOUR BUTT IN CHURCH. Haha. I know I need to start attending church on the reg but I have the really bad habit of staying up until 4-5 in the morning and then sleeping until well...I'd rather not say. But God remains adamant...go to church girl. So I gotta work on that.
So if you are a praying person pray for my mental health. That I will stay stable. Pray that I will get some direction in my life. And pray that I will get more motivated to get my but up in the mornings on Sunday and go to church!
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