Bipolar disorder can be a difficult disorder to understand…especially
if you’ve never known someone to have it or you've never studied or read anything on it. And it presents itself differently in
every person who has the disorder. Plus, there are different types of
bipolar disorder too. There is Bipolar I, Bipolar II, Clyclothymia and Bipolar
Not Otherwise Specified (NOS). And then there are the different moods that come with the disorder. There are the depressive moods, the manic moods,
the hypomanic moods and then the mixed moods and no one person’s mood is going
to look the same as the other person’s mood. It can all get really confusing.
So, I’m going to tell you a little bit of what bipolar
disorder looks like in me. I have Bipolar I with psychotic features. I’m not
exactly excited about this, but last night I was talking with a close friend
and I realized that we’ve known each other since high school and we talk just
about every day and somehow we had never really discussed what my mental
illness looks like. She was very inquisitive and it really opened my eyes to
the fact that there are a lot of people out there that don’t have a clue what
people like me go through and it’s not that they don’t want to know or that
they don’t care…it’s that they just aren’t sure if they can ask questions. So, I’m
beating you guys to the punch…I’m gonna tell you guys what it’s like and
hopefully answer some of your questions. So…here I go…
First off let me talk about depression. Depression is hard.
For me, I get really suicidal. I lose all my will to live. But the thing is I
have no energy to follow through on any of my plans to commit suicide. But when
I’m depressed I do lay around and plot suicide in my mind. I also stop taking
care of myself. I show up to psychiatrist appointments looking ragged and
probably stinking a bit because I don’t really want to shower. It’s getting
really bad when I no longer want to shower. I go to therapy appointment in my
pajamas and cry because everything seems so hopeless, and all I can think is
that this will never end and the only way to stop all the pain is to kill
myself. Now here’s the dangerous part; when the depression starts to lift
just a little bit…that’s when I become dangerous…because suddenly I have a
little bit of energy, but I’m still feeling hopeless. It was during that small
frame of time that I tried to kill myself back in 2011. I was chatting with a
friend she was very concerned as was my family and I just couldn’t take it
anymore and I swallowed an entire bottle of antianxiety pills…I don’t really
recall the next few days because I was drugged out of my mind from all those
pills. I regret those actions and I’m sorry for all the people that I hurt. I was in a lot of pain and I doing what I thought was the only way out.
Sometimes when I’m depressed I eat everything and anything…other times when I’m
depressed I don’t want any food at all. It’s strange how that works. But
depression sucks the life out of you. I’m lucky to be alive…I can remember
clearly all the times I have sat in front of my psychiatrist and she has had to send
me to the hospital because I was suicidal. I hate the hospital but I understand
that when I’m a danger to myself like that, it’s a necessary evil.
Now for mania. When I’m manic I’m a mess. I talk like 100
mph…this is called pressured speech. My thoughts race like crazy. Sometimes my
thoughts go so fast I find it hard to talk at all and it can sound like I have a stutter. Another thing that happens
when I’m manic is I make stupid decisions with money. For instance, I created A
LOT of credit card debt during one manic episode back in 2014…I won’t tell you
how much because it’s really embarrassing, but let’s just say I ruined my credit
score. There is an increase in risk taking behavior too. An example of this is
one time when I was manic I gave a ride to a homeless man. This was very
dangerous and when I told my mom and therapist about it they were both very
unhappy with me and both were very concerned and both gave me a lecture about
how unsafe that was. Another thing about me when I’m manic…I can't sit still
if you tried to pay me a million dollars. I rock, I jiggle my foot or leg…it
doesn’t matter…I just have to be moving. Oh and I quit sleeping when I’m manic…or
I at least sleep very little, and despite the fact that I’m not sleeping a lot
I have endless energy and I’m in a great mood. But even though I’m in a great
mood I tend to be very easily irritated too.
Now for hypomania. Hypomania is basically just a lesser
version of mania. It doesn’t last as long and it’s less severe. For me
hypomania is very productive. I get a lot done during hypomania. I do chores
fast and efficiently. I organize stuff. I read a lot and fast. This is looked
at as an increase in goal related activity. There is also pressured speech and
an inability to sit still like there is with a manic episode but it’s not as
severe. And just like with a manic episode there are racing thoughts too but it’s
not nearly as bad and I can usually mange to function just fine when I’m
hypomanic. I’m not generally reckless when I’m hypomanic, but the thing about
hypomania for me is that if I don’t catch it and it’s not treated quickly it
can become a full blown manic episode and that is NOT good at all.
Now for mixed moods. For me a mixed mood is this most
dangerous mood. A mixed mood is when there is a combination of both
depressive and manic symptoms. It is horrible to experience and if it's not caught
early it is usually a one-way ticket to the hospital. Usually for me I have racing
thoughts…but the thoughts are dark, dangerous and suicidal. I have self-harming thoughts and behaviors too during a mixed mood. I have energy, but
no appetite. I don’t sleep much at all either. You see how these are a mix of depressive
symptoms and manic symptoms? It’s really confusing and difficult to experience.
Now I saved this bit for last…psychosis. I experience
psychosis is all of my mood states except hypomania. When I’m psychotic I have
both auditory and visual hallucinations. I also become extremely paranoid. I
become convinced that I am in danger and that someone is following me and/or
watching me and going to attack me. It’s completely terrifying. When I am manic
or mixed I can become a danger to other people because I become convinced that
they are a danger to me and that I must protect myself. When I am depressed, usually
these hallucinations and paranoid thoughts feed into my suicidal ideations.
So, this is where I leave you. I haven’t given you
everything but I’ve given you everything I feel comfortable sharing anyways.
There are just some things that I just feel to ashamed of to share just yet,
maybe one day, but not today. But I think this gives you some idea of what
living with bipolar disorder can be like. And maybe this can help you
understand someone you love a little more. But just remember, everyone’s experience
isn’t going to be the same as mine. So, for now,
Love, Randi
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