Crazy People Pills

Medications can be a blessing and a curse. I take quite a few of them myself to manage my Bipolar Disorder.

When I first starting taking psychotropic medications I felt horrible about myself because everything I was told about medications of this kind told me that it was wrong. I had been taught that if you were depressed you didn’t need medication, you needed to pray more and wait for God to heal you. I was taught that needing these medications made me weak. I was taught that accepting these medications meant I was giving up and giving into the enemy’s plan. I was taught that by taking these medications I was giving up on God. I was taught that being depressed and having other mental health issues meant I was oppressed by spirits.

I have learned different now. I remember sitting in my psychiatrist’s office crying and telling her all of these things. She had noticed that I was reluctant to take the medication that she was getting ready to prescribe me and gave me a little push to share my concerns. As it turns out she is a mighty woman of God who is equipped to teach the truth. She listened to my concerns and the firmly but gently told me her point of view. She told me that my mind is an organ just like any other organ in my body and that when those organs don’t work right we take medication for them. She used the example of a person with diabetes who needs insulin because their pancreas stopped working right. She asked me if I would tell a diabetic any of these things. I told her I wouldn’t. And then she asked me why I would believe any of those things about myself because one of my own organs doesn’t want to work right? She went on to tell me that God is the creator of all things and that he created the elements that combine to make these medications. He created the individuals with the skills, talents and intelligence to combine these different things to create these drugs.

Mankind has evolved and because of this evolution medicine has advanced. Things that would have killed us years ago can now be cured. Vaccinations prevent some sicknesses and many treatments improve the quality of life for otherwise hurting people. The advancement of psychotropic medications has improved the quality of living for a lot of individuals with mental illnesses; I am a living example of this.

Let me tell you it has been a journey. Not every medication works the same way and what works for one person may not work for another. I was mistakenly diagnosed with depression when I first entered the mental health world. I never really thought of my experiences with mania as abnormal, so I didn’t tell my physician about it. I was put on several different antidepressants and nothing seemed to work. It wasn’t until I was put on an antidepressant that can adversely affect individuals with Bipolar Disorder that we figured out what was wrong.

I hit the ceiling. I talked so fast it was almost impossible to understand me. I didn’t sleep much either. And I was so extremely happy. At first I thought that the new medication was working but slowly I started to realize that something was off. I became a little too happy. I began to get on people’s nerves. I never quit talking and I would ramble nonstop about things that didn’t make since. I couldn't sit still and my thoughts were coming to fast that I would change subjects mid sentence. I sat of the floor in a friend’s living room rhyming every word I could possibly think of and then became absolutely furious that nothing rhymed with orange. I drove by a church with sprinklers on in the front lawn, turned around and went sprinting through the sprinklers and then showed up at a friend’s house soaking wet talking one hundred miles an hour. My therapist was concerned and had me call my psychiatrist and tell them that she thought I was manic. The next day I was in the doctor's office and my psychiatrist new from the moment I skipped down her hall that something was off. It didn’t take long in her office for her to explain to me what was going on. By then my thoughts were coming so fast I was having trouble talking at all. That was when I was introduced to mood stabilizers and they have been a God sent.

I wish I could say that, that was my happily ever after moment but it wasn’t. A few months later I found out about my psychotic symptoms as one physician referred to it as. At this point in time I was away from home and seeing a different doctor in Tennessee. I am just telling you right here and now that the doctor you see can make a difference. I am not saying that this guy was incompetent but I didn’t like him and I honestly got the feeling he didn’t like me.

Long story short I ended up so scared that someone was coming for me that I was under the covers in my loft telling the person I was on the phone with that they had to talk quietly because someone was coming for me and I didn’t want them to hear us. That was terrifying and that is just one of the many bizarre states of mind that I was in on and off during that time. I had enough sense left in me to admit myself to the hospital and then I entered the world of antipsychotic medications.

I wish I could tell you that this was my happily ever after moment but it wasn’t. They put me on a medication that turned me into a zombie. I was here, but I wasn’t here. There is basically an entire year of my life that I don’t remember a lot of because of that drug.

Close to a year of being on that medication I started to realize that I was more connected to the world around me when I forgot to take my meds. I was back at home and back with my awesome psychiatrist and I talked to her about it and we both agreed that I needed to come off of it and go on something else. Long story short the next medication made me gain forty pounds in a year and then I injured my knee because of all the weight gain. We had to get me off that medication onto one that wasn’t going to make me gain weight.

Now keep in mind that this about two years after getting diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and I was still having a really hard time. We had managed to get some control over my moods and psychotic symptoms but the side effects of the medications where unacceptable. So we had to start again. And we tried and tried and tried until we found one that seemed to work pretty well and I wasn’t even maxed out on the dosage. I was still having some symptoms so we decided to go up a little more on the dosage and then something miraculous happened. I felt normal. I wasn’t paranoid and my anxiety had significantly improved. We hadn’t expected those kinds of results. We had come to accept a long time ago that we probably wouldn’t ever be able to completely manage my paranoia and anxiety and that we would just have to expect God to intervene through a different channel than medication, but for some reason with that increase in dosage I felt normal for the first time in what was now three years after my diagnosis.

Now do keep in mind that I didn’t just solely depend on the medication. I sought God diligently through all of this. I prayed for his guidance and wisdom as I popped those pills. I prayed for healing in my body and that I would be able to be myself again. And my psychiatrist prayed too. We would sit in her office sometimes and she would pray for my healing and for wisdom on her part as to how to handle the situation.

So I have told you all of this with a reason. Having a mental illness does not mean you don’t love God enough. It does not mean you’re possessed or being oppressed by demons. It just means one of your organs isn’t working right. And seeking help doesn’t make you weak. Taking medication for your illness does not mean you are giving up on God’s healing power. It just means that you are open to God’s healing power coming to you through a different channel. I believe sometimes God heals in many different ways and sometimes that healing can come through medication. He created it after all, so why in the world would he not use medication to heal his children?

Lastly I just want to tell you guys that if you struggle with depression or any other kind of mental health problem don’t be afraid to seek help. There are going to be negative people and you have to show discernment when it comes to telling people about your problems and about your medications. Don’t give up if the first try doesn’t work. There are a lot of options out there so don’t be afraid to try again if the first time doesn’t work. God loves us all and that includes people who struggle with mental illness. I love you all and if you ever need an ear to listen I’m here,

Love, Randi

Thank you my wonderful psychiatrist. You are beautiful inside out and your work is truly a ministry and you have ministered to my heart during this journey we are on.