Another Setback

It's time to be open and honest with you guys. I was administratively withdrawn from graduate school last week. Not gonna lie...it hurt like hell. But I'm not gonna say that it blind sided me or anything like that. The signs were there. Misunderstandings, overreactions, one-sided conversations and that sick feeling in the pit of your stomach when you know a bomb is getting ready to go off and there is nothing you can do to stop it. But I'm handling it pretty well I think. I mean I'm under a lot of stress right now with trying to figure out how I'm going to stay independent without financial aid money, but I'm not giving up without a fight.

The director of the program says I can come back after I address their concerns. I'm not going to go into detail about what all they say is a problem, but I will say that most of it is nonsense. I'm already addressing the issues they want addressed in therapy and with medication. That doesn't mean I don't make mistakes or have setbacks, but it does mean I'm trying really hard. But the last item on the director's list of things in need of addressing really stunned me. She stated that she doesn't think that my desire to help people is genuine. She believes that I'm in the program to treat myself. I read that and an entire mountain of deadly scenarios flashed through my mind...most of them involving..well I'm not gonna go there...but you get the point. My skin crawled, I developed a twitch in my neck, I cracked my knuckles and stared at the screen in utter disbelief. How could someone who is supposed to be educating future counselors being so judgmental? She hasn't spend even an hour with me, how dare she make suck judgments? I'm actually relieved that she sent that information in an email instead of telling me to my face, because I'm not entirely sure that I wouldn't have at the lest tried to slap her. Now some of you may be wondering if there is any validity to this, so I'm going to tell you guys a few things about me and then I'll leave the rest up to you.

Growing up wasn't very easy for me. I was being abused at church, bullied in school and home life could be a little crazy to say the least...so things were really difficult sometimes. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying my parents were bad parents...I love them and I think they did the best they could with what they had, and I like to think I didn't turn out too bad, so that must mean something...right? So anyways, when I was 9 I started going to church camp. I was so super excited about this new level of independence I was gaining. I remember laughing and jumping up and down on a bed in a dorm room celebrating with a church friend that we wouldn't have to wear bras since our mothers weren't there to make us. (I still wore mine, but the idea that I didn't have to made me happy.) So camp went on and we played hard during the day and went to church at night. Church was fun...they did it to target my generation particularly so for the first time in my life I actually looked forward to church. They called for all the kids that wanted to dedicate their lives to Christ to come up and I stayed seated because I had taken care of that a long time ago. But as I watched my peers kneel and weep I begin to get the impression that there was more to God than I thought. So I got up and went up there. Long story short, God wrapped his arms around me and I melted into His hands and I haven't forgotten His very real presence since.

A lot of things changed for me that night. God became real for me in a way that I hand't had before. He wasn't just an abstract figure off in the distance that made all the adults in my church run around screaming and speaking in tongues. I talked to God...I don't call it prayer because that's not how it feels to me...it feels like talking to someone who is sitting across a table from me. We chat, sometimes about the little things, other times about hard things. I found that I liked dancing with Him. I would play my music and sway back and forth as though I was slow dancing with Jesus. I would snuggle with God when I was upset at night. And in those dark night when I would retreat in fear to my closet, I would feel Him sit there with me...and even though I was terrified and crying He would sit there with me.

My point here is that it was in that night, when God made Himself truly real to me that He also awakened a desire in me to bring that same loving embrace to others. So this is what I have pursued. And this past week I faced another setback. Not only did I face another setback, but my character was questioned...and to be honest my initial response wasn't a very Godly one. But I'm a work in progress.

So this is where I leave you all. I'm in the middle of another setback, but I'm believing that God will make a way for me to do this. I believe that He has called me to do this, and I have to have faith that things will work out in the end. For now I'm waiting...I'm doing the best I can and I'm waiting and trusting in Him,

Love, Randi

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Another Curve Ball

So life has thrown me another curve ball. A few weeks ago my psychiatrist doubled my dosage of my antipsychotic and the results have been more than I could have ever hoped for. It wasn’t until my therapist pointed it out today that I really comprehended the difference in me. You see, my school forced me to withdraw from my program this week. I was heartbroken...to say the least. I sobbed and called into work…I was in pieces and frightened of the future. You see I was living off of the student loans, but now that’s not an option. I’m working part time but I don’t make enough money working part time to make pay all of my bills…so I’m scared to say the least. I have about two weeks before everything will start being due, so I’m turning me eyes toward God and saying “alright, you gotta do something because I haven’t got a clue.”

But back to my point…my new med change has really been great for me. Today my therapist asked to see my eyes…I avoid eye contact in session, don’t ask why…but when I looked up he goes “Wow!” he says “Randi, you’re actually here…I see more of you today than I have ever seen. You’re present…you are in a very stressful situation right now, but you’re present!” And when he said it I realized it was true. When Emmanuel kicked me out, I checked out for a few days. I felt empty inside and I recall one moment when I was just sitting on my bed watching my mom hang clothes in my closet and I just didn’t have anything in me to help her…I was gone. But I’m not gone this time…I’m hurting…I’m scared…I’m worried, but I’m here. And I’m not going down without a fight. So I gathered all of the shoes I own that I don’t wear very often and I gathered all of the purses and bags that I don’t use anymore and I took pictures, signed up for an PayPal account, signed up for a eBay account and listed a bunch of stuff for sale. Momma is collecting things for me to sale and I’m changed my schedule at work so that I’m getting more hours now. So like I said, I’m not giving up without a fight.

And I’m not giving up the dream. I’m not going to quit fighting toward becoming a licensed therapist…but I do think I am gonna try a different route other than Montreat. I’ll admit that my feelings are more than a little hurt. It seems to me that it is these schools that claim Christ at their center are the schools that have a problem with me. But it’s not even that, that has my feeling so hurt. I received an email with a list of problem behaviors that Montreat feels I need to address before they will let me return to the program and at the very end of the list the program director states that she feels that I am not in the program out of a genuine desire to help people, but instead out of a desire to treat myself. It’s a good thing she said that in an email and not to my face…there’s not enough medication in the world for me to handle that. Don’t you just love it when people make judgments about you, when they don’t even known you? And to make matters worse she sent that email to an entire committee regarding my situation. So I wrote a response. I didn’t write it with the purpose of changing their minds, honestly if the head of a counseling program is that judgmental about people, I’m not sure I want anything to do with the program anymore, but anyways, I was a little hurt about what was said.

So I’m hanging in there. I’m fighting this battle. I don’t find it a coincidence that I started feeling “normal” a few weeks before this happened. This is just another battle to fight on the way to my destiny. I know God has called me to help people, and I know that one of the ways He wants me to do it is through counseling people, but the road to get there is not one that I am aware of right now…and I’m trying to keep an open mind about other ways that God might call me to help His broken and hurting children. But for now, I’m taking it a day at a time,

Love Randi

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