The Past is in the Past

A few weeks ago I took a group of girls to Raleigh with me. We had a great time and I was happy to make connections with some new people. On the ride home one of my passengers began to talk to me about her past. I found myself awestruck by how objective she was when speaking of the horrors that are in her past. I didn’t get to speak with her very much about my own history, but there were some startling similarities within the events of our pasts.

I said all of that to say this; objectivity is a struggle for me. Objectivity is when you are able to look at something in the past and not have that emotional stab in the stomach when it comes to mind. It is the ability to look at the past and recognize that it is in the past, that you are not experiencing those horrors right now and that the past is over and you are free from it. Sometimes people will say something and I’m right back in those moments of pain…I’m right there, as if it’s happening all over again, and it terrifies me. Sometimes it’s just a smell. I’ve always been very sensitive to smells and there are certain things that if I smell it I have to haul butt away or I will go into full blown panic mode.

But this remarkable young woman sat there and spoke with me quite candidly about her past, and to make her sound even more incredible; her past isn’t even as far away from her as mine is. I couldn’t help but feel a little ashamed of myself when she was telling me her story. I mean my horrors are more than a decade old now and I still have to fight to stay in the moment when a trigger is present. And to be even more transparent, I was a little jealous of her. I mean I go to therapy every week, and I’ve been doing it a while now, but I’m still not where she is.

And now I have to hear my own words: Not everyone handles things the same way. Sure she seems to be further along the road of healing than me, but I also have a mental illness…actually I have several…but we won’t go there. So the truth is that everyone doesn’t heal at the same pace. Some heal faster, some heal slower, and some seem to never really need to heal, as if they have some sort of super natural ability to give grace to those that hurt them.

But here’s the thing: Sometimes we all go a little hard on ourselves. Sometimes we are our own worse critics and I know a lot of us compare ourselves to others. We see our neighbor’s success and that little green-eyed monster rears its ugly head and we take the proverbial baseball bat and beat ourselves silly again. So it’s time for me to chew on a little bit of my own wisdom, and maybe you can get a taste of it too:

• Take it one day at a time. Don’t dwell on the uncertainties of tomorrow. Instead focus on the beauty of today.
• Stop comparing yourself to others. No one individual is the same as another, not even twins.
• Celebrate the small victories. Progress is progress, no matter how little or small, it’s still a step in the right direction.
• Swallow your fears. This is hard, because typically we have a ligament reason to be frightened, but if we want to move forward we have to face it head on. Oh, and this means your fear of success too. Because I think we all are kind of afraid to succeed.

So yeah, some shitty things have happened to me, but I am not my past. I am a child of the highest king, and so are you. So why don’t we act like it?

Love, Randi