Inside a Flashback

I just had a flashback. I stumbled upon a video that triggered me and off my mind went. I’m ok...I think. But I thought I would get up here and try and give you a little bit of insight as to what it feels like when someone with PTSD comes into contact with a trigger.

It’s hard to put into words. It’s kind of like having the wind knocked out of you. Everything in present time freezes and it feels like I’m suspended in time…in a moment of pain and fear. I’m trapped in the sensations of the past. For me, my body responds as if it’s happening right then. My heart pounds and I shake. My senses are engaged in something that isn’t happening anymore. I feel his touch and hear his voice and all I can do is try and name the things that are in the present. The fan…it makes noise and it blows on me…that’s real…focus on that and not on what he’s doing to me. And I zero in on the fan. Then I remember to count my breaths…in 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, out, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, start again. And I keep counting and I fight the urge to claw the skin off my arms.

That’s kind of how it goes for a while until I can calm down enough to quit shaking. I know that when I am no longer shaking it’s safe to move. I feel like if I move before I quit shaking I’m going to fall apart and end up sobbing on the floor on the phone with my therapist or worse…cutting myself.

I’m ok now…I’m in the present moment but my emotions are still heightened. My heart is still pounding a little and I feel a little weak in my arms but I know that I’m ok now and that the past is in the past and isn’t happening to me right now.

So this is me sharing what it’s like to have a flashback…at least for me…everyone is different. Needless to say I will be up a while…no way I’m gonna go to sleep anytime soon after that. I need to calm it down a few more notches before I close my eyes. Goodnight everyone,

Love, Randi