Is it Helpful?

During therapy the other day we got to discussing how one talks to one’s self. It basically came around to how I am my own worst critic. I am always putting myself down and thinking I can never do things. Some of it is my own creative thinking telling me these things, and some of it, are the voices of others from my life telling me their doubts in my capabilities, and the mean things that they have said to me over the course of my life. And it doesn’t help that when I am psychotic and hearing voices, they tend to tell me some of the worst things that people have ever said about me…including things I’ve said about me and sometimes the voices get creative and tell me insults I’ve never even thought of before.

So, after we talked a little while about how I am my own worst critic we talked a little bit about how I think about these negative thoughts. And my therapist had kind of a challenge for me…a kind of new approach to my negative thinking that I think I’m gonna try. He said instead of getting caught up in whether or not these thoughts are true or not why don’t you ask yourself is this thought helpful? I thought that this is a strange way to look at it. But really it’s not. He said that if you decide that this thought that you’ve had isn’t helpful then you label it as unhelpful and then you move on. Now that doesn’t mean that you won’t think of it again, but that does mean that when it pops back into your head you go, “Oh there’s that unhelpful thought again…I can just put that away and move on to a more helpful thought.” Now, I know that’s easier said than done and it’s gonna take some practice, but I’m willing to give it a shot.

You see I think I get caught up too much in trying to convince myself whether or not a thought I have is true or false. And by labeling something helpful or unhelpful and can save myself some time and effort. Now, like I said, I know this way of thinking is gonna take some practice, but I think that it might actually help me not be so controlled by so many negative thoughts that I have. By simple labeling a thought as helpful or unhelpful, I can push it aside and move forward with whatever I’m doing.

So, I think I’m gonna give it a shot. It’s not gonna be easy. I got 29 years of doing it the old way…you know trying to figure out if something is true or false. But I’m thinking this knew way of thinking might be better. Wish me luck guys,

Randi

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My Bipolar Experience

Bipolar disorder can be a difficult disorder to understand…especially if you’ve never known someone to have it or you've never studied or read anything on it. And it presents itself differently in every person who has the disorder. Plus, there are different types of bipolar disorder too. There is Bipolar I, Bipolar II, Clyclothymia and Bipolar Not Otherwise Specified (NOS). And then there are the different moods that come with the disorder. There are the depressive moods, the manic moods, the hypomanic moods and then the mixed moods and no one person’s mood is going to look the same as the other person’s mood. It can all get really confusing.

So, I’m going to tell you a little bit of what bipolar disorder looks like in me. I have Bipolar I with psychotic features. I’m not exactly excited about this, but last night I was talking with a close friend and I realized that we’ve known each other since high school and we talk just about every day and somehow we had never really discussed what my mental illness looks like. She was very inquisitive and it really opened my eyes to the fact that there are a lot of people out there that don’t have a clue what people like me go through and it’s not that they don’t want to know or that they don’t care…it’s that they just aren’t sure if they can ask questions. So, I’m beating you guys to the punch…I’m gonna tell you guys what it’s like and hopefully answer some of your questions. So…here I go…

First off let me talk about depression. Depression is hard. For me, I get really suicidal. I lose all my will to live. But the thing is I have no energy to follow through on any of my plans to commit suicide. But when I’m depressed I do lay around and plot suicide in my mind. I also stop taking care of myself. I show up to psychiatrist appointments looking ragged and probably stinking a bit because I don’t really want to shower. It’s getting really bad when I no longer want to shower. I go to therapy appointment in my pajamas and cry because everything seems so hopeless, and all I can think is that this will never end and the only way to stop all the pain is to kill myself. Now here’s the dangerous part; when the depression starts to lift just a little bit…that’s when I become dangerous…because suddenly I have a little bit of energy, but I’m still feeling hopeless. It was during that small frame of time that I tried to kill myself back in 2011. I was chatting with a friend she was very concerned as was my family and I just couldn’t take it anymore and I swallowed an entire bottle of antianxiety pills…I don’t really recall the next few days because I was drugged out of my mind from all those pills. I regret those actions and I’m sorry for all the people that I hurt. I was in a lot of pain and I doing what I thought was the only way out. Sometimes when I’m depressed I eat everything and anything…other times when I’m depressed I don’t want any food at all. It’s strange how that works. But depression sucks the life out of you. I’m lucky to be alive…I can remember clearly all the times I have sat in front of my psychiatrist and she has had to send me to the hospital because I was suicidal. I hate the hospital but I understand that when I’m a danger to myself like that, it’s a necessary evil.

Now for mania. When I’m manic I’m a mess. I talk like 100 mph…this is called pressured speech. My thoughts race like crazy. Sometimes my thoughts go so fast I find it hard to talk at all and it can sound like I have a stutter. Another thing that happens when I’m manic is I make stupid decisions with money. For instance, I created A LOT of credit card debt during one manic episode back in 2014…I won’t tell you how much because it’s really embarrassing, but let’s just say I ruined my credit score. There is an increase in risk taking behavior too. An example of this is one time when I was manic I gave a ride to a homeless man. This was very dangerous and when I told my mom and therapist about it they were both very unhappy with me and both were very concerned and both gave me a lecture about how unsafe that was. Another thing about me when I’m manic…I can't sit still if you tried to pay me a million dollars. I rock, I jiggle my foot or leg…it doesn’t matter…I just have to be moving. Oh and I quit sleeping when I’m manic…or I at least sleep very little, and despite the fact that I’m not sleeping a lot I have endless energy and I’m in a great mood. But even though I’m in a great mood I tend to be very easily irritated too.

Now for hypomania. Hypomania is basically just a lesser version of mania. It doesn’t last as long and it’s less severe. For me hypomania is very productive. I get a lot done during hypomania. I do chores fast and efficiently. I organize stuff. I read a lot and fast. This is looked at as an increase in goal related activity. There is also pressured speech and an inability to sit still like there is with a manic episode but it’s not as severe. And just like with a manic episode there are racing thoughts too but it’s not nearly as bad and I can usually mange to function just fine when I’m hypomanic. I’m not generally reckless when I’m hypomanic, but the thing about hypomania for me is that if I don’t catch it and it’s not treated quickly it can become a full blown manic episode and that is NOT good at all.

Now for mixed moods. For me a mixed mood is this most dangerous mood. A mixed mood is when there is a combination of both depressive and manic symptoms. It is horrible to experience and if it's not caught early it is usually a one-way ticket to the hospital. Usually for me I have racing thoughts…but the thoughts are dark, dangerous and suicidal. I have self-harming thoughts and behaviors too during a mixed mood. I have energy, but no appetite. I don’t sleep much at all either. You see how these are a mix of depressive symptoms and manic symptoms? It’s really confusing and difficult to experience.

Now I saved this bit for last…psychosis. I experience psychosis is all of my mood states except hypomania. When I’m psychotic I have both auditory and visual hallucinations. I also become extremely paranoid. I become convinced that I am in danger and that someone is following me and/or watching me and going to attack me. It’s completely terrifying. When I am manic or mixed I can become a danger to other people because I become convinced that they are a danger to me and that I must protect myself. When I am depressed, usually these hallucinations and paranoid thoughts feed into my suicidal ideations.

So, this is where I leave you. I haven’t given you everything but I’ve given you everything I feel comfortable sharing anyways. There are just some things that I just feel to ashamed of to share just yet, maybe one day, but not today. But I think this gives you some idea of what living with bipolar disorder can be like. And maybe this can help you understand someone you love a little more. But just remember, everyone’s experience isn’t going to be the same as mine. So, for now,

Love, Randi

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A Glimmer of Hope

So I think I’ve finally found a new therapist. He made a good first impression anyways. And I liked the approach that he wanted to take with me. Even in the first session with him he was already challenging some of my false beliefs. And he has already given me an assignment…a book to read. I love to read, so I’m pretty excited about this book. I ordered it when I got home, from Amazon, and I hope it gets here Saturday.

But I am anxious. I don’t know this guy. It’s always nerve racking to start meeting with a new therapist. But already he has given me some hope for what my future could look like. You see one of the things my old therapist wanted me to really work on, that we never really got around to, was learning to “sit with my thoughts.” This means that instead of trying to avoid the thoughts, emotions and sensations that come with my disorders that I learn to sit with them and live with them until they become less and less of an issue. That doesn’t mean they go away, but it does mean that I am better able to manage them and understand them and live a fuller life. And I like this idea. (If I’ve understood and explained it correctly.)

During our first session he asked me what I would be doing with my life if someone made a magic pill and solved all of my problems. I didn’t have to think about it at all…but I did have to pluck up the courage to say it out loud. I would be a therapist. I have said that out loud and that wasn’t hard. But then he asked if that was all. And I was quiet, because no, that’s not all I want for my life. And I wasn’t sure if I could say all of it because it seems so impossible for me. I’m not gonna tell you guys what I said, but I did manage to confess the rest of my desires, even though I almost fell apart telling him. It cost me a lot to admit it out loud and I’m just not comfortable telling you guys the rest of my dreams yet. But yes, there is more to my dreams of the future than just becoming a therapist.

But he wants to help me make my future possible…or at least help me try and make it possible. So now there's a little glimmer of hope, and that’s why I’m thinking I’m gonna try and stick with him…for now at least. Wish me luck you guys,

Love, Randi

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