Take a Breath

It doesn’t take much…just mention the wrong thing and I’m living my nightmares all over again. It’s like this wave passes through me and for a second I can’t breathe. But the second then the second is over and I’m panting, I start fidgeting with my hands and rocking back and forth. I try to make myself sit still because I know if someone sees me looking like this, I will get some funny looks. I know I look ridiculous too. Once I intentionally looked at myself in a mirror when I felt like that; my eyes were wide and staring and even though I was looking at myself, I could see myself experience a faux reality. If I can’t calm down I start shaking…when I start to shake it’s getting bad. It feels like I’m suffocating and I start to get dizzy then. The other day I started seeing spots and I knew I had to get out of the situation I was in because I was getting ready to pass out. Luckily I managed to get myself away and sit for a while and calm my breathing.

Breathing. I’m so freaking tired of hearing about breathing! My therapist tells me all the time that if I can calm my breathing, then I can shut down that panic part of my brain, that it’s actually impossible to be anxious when you’re breathing slowly, deeply and steadily. The funny thing is I know he’s right…I mean I’ve actually studied this in school, I know how that part of the brain works, and then I have him barking it at me every time I see him and I know he’s right, but in that moment it’s the hardest thing in the world to remember.

It’s amazing how hard it is to breathe right. It’s also amazing how many activities require appropriate breathing techniques. I remember my first marching band camp were we actually spent an entire hour (possibly more) learning to breathe right. It’s awe inspiring when a little 40 member marching band can sound like a 100 plus member band, and it all comes down to breathing. I can’t help but smile when I remember placing my hand on my stomach and focusing on breathing from my diaphragm. When you take a good breathe your shoulders don’t move, your stomach moves. When I started swimming it was difficult to swim with my head in the water because I couldn’t regulate my breathing good enough to match my strokes with my breathing, but with some practice I’ve got it down pretty good. And now I’m back at anxiety…how when you can manage to take a deep breath and let it out slowly, the way your neurons are firing in that particular part of your brain start to change, and the longer you manage that deep steady breathing, the calmer you will get.

I’m not an expert…I need to practice. I know that sounds stupid to some of you, but I don’t really think it is. If I expect myself to be able to go on auto drive with slow steady breathing the moment anxiety hits, I got to learn to breathe like that when I’m calm…I got to learn to relax when I’m already at ease.

Here’s the thing about me that I’ve learned over the past few days: I’m rarely at ease. I’m constantly on edge, watching and waiting for the next wave of anxiety and because of always being on the edge I’m constantly operating at some sort of level of anxiety. This is a ridiculous way to live, obviously, and it’s something I’ve decided I need to work on.

Here’s what it’s like for me. I’m always stretching because there is always tension in my muscles. I am constantly trying to pop some sort of joint on me, in an attempt to loosen it up. Right now for instance, I just popped my neck and back because I got uncomfortable. Part of my problem is that I have a ridiculously large amount of triggers. To name a few: spearmint, sawdust mixed with fresh paint, certain men’s colognes, a door unexpectedly snapping shut, certain names, almost all physical touch and anyone approaching me with my back to them, all of these things can cause me to freak out. These things can cause me to freak out even if I’m with people I trust. One time me and my best friend were in a store and my dress was hung on my purse so she came up behind me and pulled it down. I spun around quickly and was a millisecond away from punching her when she jumped back and I caught myself. She got all wide eyed and told me she thought I was going to hit her, and the truth is that I almost did. This is just one example of how I can be.

I’m not going to lie to you and tell you that I’m doing great with it. My therapist tells me the best thing I could do is expose myself to my triggers, but I would rather punch him in the face than willingly expose myself to any of these things and to be honest, I think about punching him in the face every time he tells me he’s happy that I got exposed to something that caused me to freak out. Seriously…I want to punch him when he says that. But as much as I love imagining his nose gushing with blood I know he’s right...and I’m getting there. I’m not strong enough now, but I’m hoping I will be one day.

So I’m learning to breathe. I’m learning to feel my lungs full, feel my chest expand and my stomach inflate and release it all, not just the air but all the fears and waves of panic that course through me. I’m learning to breathe.

Love, Randi