Coping Strategies

Panic settles deep inside sometimes and I don’t know what to do. It can feel like I’m suffocating. Every breath can feel like a struggle, but I’ve learned some coping strategies over the years and I’ve decided to share a few of mine with you guys, just in case you could use some of them yourself.

The first one, and the hardest one for me to learn…slow down my breathing. When I start getting anxious my breathing accelerates and if I don’t slow it down I can swing into a full blown panic attack really quickly. I have to get somewhere comfortable and start taking slow and deep breathes. I like to count seconds in my head in order to slow them down. In my old therapist’s office there use to be a clock that ticked on the wall. He would have me listen to the ticking and count the seconds. It helped, so I got into the habit of doing it. Five seconds in, five seconds out. In through the nose, out through the mouth. There are lots of ways to do this, but that is the way I was taught and therefore, that is the way that works for me.

Another thing I do is wrap up tightly with a blanket. I know that this can seem kind of childish, but there is just something soothing about it…like someone giving you a big, warm hug. So, I climb onto my bed and wrap up in my big, warm comforter. Sometimes this helps and other times it just seems kind of pointless…but hey…when panic sets in I will try anything.

Another thing I do is use essential oils. I got this from my old therapist, my mom and from a friend. My old therapist mentioned it a few years back but I kind of blew it off. Then my mom purchased me a basic set for Christmas this past year and I’ve been sporadically diffusing some of them just to see if I like any of them. But more recently a friend reintroduced me to it and I’ve kind of gotten addicted to certain blends. But you have to find the right blends for you…there are a lot out there. She sells them and gave me some samples to try and I’ve found two that really help…so I’m making some purchases ASAP. The two I am getting I can diffuse them AND I can wear them. I’m wearing my favorite right now. (I’m a little anxious this morning.)

Another thing I do is take my anti-anxiety medication. It's pretty fast acting and prescribed by my psychiatrist. I don't use it unless everything else has failed or unless I am really upset. I use these pills as a last resort because they are addictive and I do not wish to develop a dependency on them. Therefore if you need to use anti-anxiety medication to manage you conditions please use caution and follow your doctor's instructions. But I will say that sometimes, I'm so upset that the medicine doesn't even help.

But one of the best things you can do is talk to someone. Whether that be a trusted friend, a parent, a therapist, a pastor or even a hotline operator. (Chatroom hotlines are becoming more and more popular if you are uncomfortable talking with someone on the phone.) I know personally how hard it is to reach out when things become overwhelming. For me, I don’t want to be a burden to people. I worry that I will just be a nuisance to whomever I am talking to or spending time with. But I am learning that the people that love us and care about us want to be there for us…even if we may not believe it.

I have other coping strategies that I have learned but these five are the ones that I utilize that most, so these are the ones I am choosing to share. If you have some that you use please leave a comment below…I would love to hear about it. Love,

Randi

Read more »

Living in a Fog

A little over two years ago I was hospitalized for the 7^th time in a psychiatric hospital. I was suicidal, having a mixed bipolar episode and psychotic…at least that’s what I remember. They scrapped all my medications and started me on an entirely new set of meds. It was hard. I was in there for over two weeks, but when I came out, I was stable.

But things weren’t quite right. I wasn’t really me. But even though I wasn’t myself I was willing to move forward with the new meds. Over time it became clear I wasn’t really interested in much anymore. I didn’t really care to get dressed up and play in my makeup. I didn’t read anymore. I didn’t really comprehend things very well. I was a shell of a person. I was living in a fog. But still the memory of suicidality and hearing voices and seeing demons and being depressed and being extremely anxious and having horrible flashbacks and intrusive thoughts and mania and being insanely paranoid haunted me…so I did nothing to change the side effects of my new meds.

But as months turned to years it became clear that this was no way to live. So I got brave. I talked to my then therapist, Dolan and my psychiatrist, Lynn about what was going on. And they agreed…it was no way to live. They too, were tired of watching me live as an empty shell. So Lynn said there was a newer medicine that we hadn’t tried before that we could try. We had singled out the medicine that was causing the fog and we were going to try and come off of it and replace it with a new medication that would hopefully keep me stable enough to live a life outside of the fog again.

And so we began…a few months ago now, slowly titrating off Haldol and going onto Vraylar. It was a long process. But slowly the fog has lifted. And slowly my personality has come back. And even better, most of my symptoms have stayed away. There has been no psychosis, no mania, no depression and no mixed episodes.

I have now been off Haldol 2 weeks and I couldn’t be happier. I read again. I spend more time with friends. I go out more. I get dressed up and play in my makeup again. I can concentrate again. I can comprehend things again. I have a personality again. A few days after I completely stop the Haldol I was reflected on the past two years and I really realized that I couldn’t remember a lot of it…it’s all, well…a fog.

There have been tradeoffs though. My anxiety is back with a vengeance. Especially the past week its come back really bad. But that means I just need to focus on my coping strategies that Dolan taught me over all those years together. (Thanks Dolan!) And my PTSD symptoms have come back too. I’ve got to deal with this stuff in therapy…I know. But it’s nice to be out of a fog. It’s nice to have my life back. It’s nice to be back.

So, I’m gonna try and write more. I have missed writing. It’s hard to be creative when your brain is being sedated. I’ve missed you guys, and I hope you’ve missed me. I look forward to posting up here more. This is all for now,

Love, Randi

Read more »

Losing My Therapist

A couple of weeks ago I went to therapy on Friday like I always do but little did I know my therapist had some news to share with me. He told me he was switching clinics and the clinic he would be working at wouldn't take my insurance...in other words we were going to have to say goodbye. I cried like a baby. It is ridiculously hard to find a good therapist and after years of searching I landed myself in his office and I stayed there since November 2012. He promised to make sure I had a new good therapist before he left but he would be done seeing patients by the end of March. That was a hard session. Every time I thought I was done crying I'd start right back up. Honestly, I was a little embarrassed by my strong reaction.

Well now it's been a few weeks since our last session and I'm slowly coming around to this new therapist lady that my old therapist hooked me up with. And I think I will be ok. I've even given thought to quitting therapy for a while...just to see how I feel. But right now I'm in the middle of a medication change and I need to go to therapy so that there is someone who can keep a close and objective eye on me.

I wish my old therapist well and I hope that if our paths cross in the future that I will be able to tell him (without crying) just how much our work together meant to me and how much it helped me. My parents can tell you that working with him really made a difference in my life. He will be missed.

Love, Randi

Read more »

Blurred Vision or Burning with Urination

I thought I would tell a slightly humorous story for once. While I was in the hospital back in April one of my medications was causing me to have blurry vision. Well every morning they hand out these papers to all the patients and there is a section where you can check off different symptoms you may be experiencing that day. Well, I had been circling blurred vision for several days at that time and I guess my blurry vision got the best of me because I unknowingly circled “burning with urination,” instead of “blurred vision.” Which in case you didn’t know…the two look just a like when you can’t see very well in the first darn place.

Well, I turned my paper in and went about my day. Well, around lunch time the nurse called me and handed me a cup and informed me she needed a urine sample. Now, I have been in the hospital quite a few times by this point, and they don’t ask for urine samples except for when you first get there. So, I asked her what for? She told me the doctor ordered it because I checked “burning with urination,” on my morning chart. I told her I didn’t, but she calmly pulled out me paper and showed me where I did. I informed her that I was fine in that department and that I had been trying to circle “blurred vision.” I told her there was no sense in me giving a sample because I was fine.

Then it got interesting. She tried to insist I do it anyways. She told me it had already been ordered and that I should just do it. I told her it was a waste of time and resources to do it. She got an attitude with me then and asked if I was refusing. I told her I was and went on about my day. I was getting out the next day and didn’t feel like dealing with it. What made it even more interesting was when I saw my doctor and he asked why I had refused, he made the comment that he had to cancel it so that it wouldn’t look like I was be uncooperative.

All that drama because I circled that wrong thing. Damn that blurry vision. Oh and in case you were wondering we adjusted some stuff and my vision is fine now. I hope this gave you a chuckle,

Love, Randi

Read more »

Its Been a While

Its been a while. I have no idea where to begin. My computer back in March and it wasn’t until last week that I was able to get a new computer, so the lack of my own personal laptop is my excuse for not blogging in a while…it’s kinda hard to type a post on a tablet. So anyways life has not been quiet. I was put into the hospital twice this year…almost back to back and both times my medications where scrapped and we started from scratch. The first time didn’t work…obviously, because I ended up back in the hospital a few weeks later. But it would appear that the second time has been the charm. I am more stable on these medications than I have been on anything else. But that doesn’t mean I am perfect.

One of the medications that I was taken off of made me gain a lot of weight. I have to lose the weight and I am sure that most of you know losing weight is hard and it’s even harder for me than it should have to be because I have to deal with a knee injury and a foot drop. I’m trying…and I fail…a lot…but I am trying.

And the anxiety is real. I am anxious all the time…and sometimes I’m anxious for no reason at all. It’s hard, because then things that make sense to be anxious about are ten times worse than they should be.

In the midst of all of this anxiety I got approved for disability…something I didn’t think would happen as fast as it did…but I’m blessed that it did. Now that I’m on it, it takes a burden off of my family and it gives me the chance to focus on my mental health and physical health and getting better.

I also got accepted to go to graduate school online. Something that I’m both excited about and terrified about. I’ve never done online classes and the idea of doing an online degree is really scary to me.

So a lot has been going on. And every day is a challenge to get out of bed. But I’m trying. I’m trying to focus on the positive and I’m trying to make good decisions.

Love, Randi

Read more »