Screaming It Out

I lost it a few day into my stay at Holly Hill. I had ventured out to group and another fight broke out and that was the final straw for me. I requested to change units but the doctor denied my request and I lost it. I started crying and the amount of noise became overwhelming. I shut myself in my room and laid on the bed and cried. I covered my ears with me blanket but I couldn’t shut out the noise of the unit. I heard them line up outside my room to go to dinner and that was it. The noise was just too much. I took a deep breath and screamed as loud as I could for them to shut up. But they didn’t, so I screamed again. I heard one of the techs usher them out for dinner and it got quiet on the unit and I calmed down for a while…but the inevitable happened and they returned.

It was just too much for me and I screamed for them to shut up. It seemed that the more I screamed for quiet the louder they got. Then one particular man began to mock me. My screams for silence turned to profanity as he mocked me. He talked and talked and then talked some more and I lost it. I remember the following events like a dream. I got out of my bed. I threw off my shoes and my hoodie and came busting out of my room. I screamed “Where are you? Where the %^&# are you?” and he spoke from my right and said “Who me?” And I went in on it. I don’t remember everything I yelled but I just kept screaming. I recall telling him to shut the $%^& up and asking him if he heard himself when he spoke and that no one cared what he had to say and he just needed to shut up. He became furious and started moving to fight me and I was in a fearless rage and went for him too. I recall one of the techs arms in front of me holding me back and another tech holding him back and I was aware of screaming at him but don’t ask me what I said. I remember one to the techs trying to get me to go back in my room and eventually I obeyed. I shut myself in my room and screamed and punched the wall several times and collapsed onto my bed in a fury of tears. I was aware that I was still screaming things but I don’t know what I was saying. At some point I went back to screaming at the unit to shut up. Eventually the nurse came in and gave me something to calm me down and after another 15 or so minutes I stopped screaming and just cried until I fell asleep. I remember my roommate coming in and talking with me for a while…but I don’t remember what we talked about or anything other than her praising me for getting it out, but that’s all I remember. But I woke up the next morning feeling better than I had since I had gotten there. My roommate said that she guessed I just needed to scream.

The doctor didn’t have a problem changing me to a different unit after that and knowing that I was going to a quieter unit made my mood much better. My roommate was getting out that day and I knew I would miss her but I was grateful for leaving that overwhelming place.

I made a 180 once I was on the more stable unit. Most of the people on that unit were depressed, not psychotic like most of the people on the other unit therefore, it was much more manageable for me. Being on the new unit was the thing that really changed the way my recovery was going. I made friends, I participated in group, I went to the cafeteria and I smiled, laughed and joked. I was so much better when I got there, but I honestly don’t know what made me feel better, the quieter unit or having broken down and screamed it all out. Maybe it was like my roommate said, I just needed to get it all out.

I saw mom and dad that day and I told them about it. When I told dad that I was feeling much better and that my roommate equated it to me having screamed it out, he laughed and quoted Forest Gump: “Sometimes there just ain’t enough rocks.”

So I was thinking about this and how it applies to life. Sometimes we hold it all in until it’s just too much and we explode. I know that I was a bit of an extreme example, but I think this applies to people without a mental illness. I have seen people press their lips together and not say a word when what is happening in front of them is causing them quite a bit of distress. I have watched both friends and family do this until one day they just snap, and usually the snap is over something a lot smaller than the real reason they are so worked up. I think that if we were to address the real issues when they happen then we might avoid a lot of emotional pain for ourselves, as well as those closest to us.

I was thinking about how from the very start I was distressed by the unit, but instead of talking to my doctor about it right away I swallowed my complaints and tried to endure. Obviously this was a mistake and eventually lead to my complete breakdown.

So here’s the thing: I’m going to try and start handling my problems head on. I’m going to stop letting things go and trying to endure when I know that what is going on is wrong and should be different. I’m going to start standing up for myself and being assertive in my relationships. I’m done taking things lying down. So be ready for a change in me. I know that it won’t happen overnight but I will get there eventually.

So my question to you is will you join me? Will you stop taking all that garbage you have been taking on for way to long now and stand up for yourself? Because I think it’s worth it. I think it’s worth the effort, don’t you?

Love, Randi