Hallucinating

I started hallucinating the Thursday before the Tuesday I went to the hospital. It was terrifying for the most part, but sometimes I cracked up at the things I was seeing. I was seeing demons for the most part. I know that some of you will think that I wasn’t so much as hallucinating as I was seeing the spirits that were tormenting me. Let me explain how I know I was hallucinating:

Spirits leave when you declare the name of Jesus. They cannot stay when you bring the Son of God into the picture. When I first started seeing them I plead the blood of Jesus over myself and commanded them to leave me alone, but they didn’t. I know that if it were a true evil spirit from the enemy they wouldn’t have stood a chance when I declared God over the situation. They weren’t really there…my mind was playing tricks on me.

I saw the first one in the corner of a room when I was staying the night with a friend. It scared the crap out of me and I watched it watch me all night long…that was the sleep from hell…pun intended. I didn’t see it when I got up in the morning so I wrote it off. But by Sunday there were two of them and they were watching me. By Monday night they were talking to me. They called me horrible names, they told me to do horrible things, but mostly they just watched. I became delusional and thought I was gifted with the supernatural and could see into the spirit world. If I could have seen into the spirit world then I would have seen more than just demons. I would have seen angels and the Holy Spirit…and God only knows what else there is. By Tuesday morning I was gone. Don’t ask me what happened Tuesday morning because I don’t remember…well I do remember some things, but it’s like remembering a dream.

I have sensed spirits before, but this wasn’t a hallucination. This was more like an uncomfortable feeling around someone or a situation that I identified through listening to the Holy Spirit that it was the presence of evil. But I didn’t see them…and honestly I’m glad. I don’t know what they would look like but I’m sure they would terrify me far worse than my hallucinations did.

Another reason I know they were a hallucination is that sometimes I found what they were doing humorous. I don’t think I would have ever found the behavior of a true evil spirit funny. Sometimes the hallucinations would appear in funny positions. They would sit huge on top of trees, then they would fly beside me in my car like something out of a Harry Potter movie…I giggled and rolled my eyes at those things.

I was also extremely paranoid. I was constantly on edge and looking for the threats that I knew were there. The funny thing is that I know I was never in any true danger because God is my protector, but in those moments everyone was a threat and I felt the need to be ready to fight or run…there is that pesky flight or fight response.

I was momentously anxious. I figure this was from the constant paranoia. Being on edge like that is exhausting but the fear of what was coming for me was stronger than my need to sleep. The bad thing about not being able to sleep well is that the less sleep you have the worse things are going to get.

So here’s the thing…there were warning signs that I was becoming unstable. These signs date back months before things got as bad as they did. I have told you previously that I have bipolar disorder. Well here’s the thing, I had never had a mixed episode before, but I knew about them. What I knew about a mixed episode is that there are signs of mania, as well a depression present. But what I didn’t realize is that swift mood changes are also a sign of a mixed episode. You can go from feeling absolutely on top of the world or being extremely agitated (mania) to feeling like you need to kill yourself (depression). I guess starting around November, maybe as far back as October that it was there. Sometimes mania comes off as extreme agitation, and that was there. Sometimes I was inexplicably irritable. I remember several times just waking up and it seemed like everything made me just want to punch someone in the face. I think I made a post about the one morning were my brother and me got into it over the bathroom and it ended with me screaming profanity at him so loud, over and over again, that my throat actually hurt the rest of the day. Sometimes I would be so angry at nothing that I would want to kill myself…and the stupid thing was that there was really no true reason to feel that way.

So you may be wondering why I didn’t see those things as a sign that something was wrong. You see, I have been diagnosed previously as having borderline tendencies. Part of Borderline Personality Disorder is that you have lots of mood changes really swiftly, so I thought that this was what was going on. Because of this I didn’t really think of having bipolar disorder as a factor in what was going on. Oops, is all I can say there. And my therapist and psychiatrist really didn’t know the entire picture because I was keeping some of those things to myself because I didn’t want them to know that I was having suicidal thoughts out of fear that they would make me go to the hospital. Oops again.

So here’s the thing, you got to know yourself. You need to know what your triggers are but you have to also be aware of what is normal for you. It isn’t normal for me to suddenly have such mood changes like that. And if it had been the borderline tendencies then it would be something I struggle with all the time, not something that suddenly started happening.

Mental illness is a tricky thing…sometimes you notice the warning signs, but sometimes you miss them. If I had caught this sooner I could have saved myself a lot of trouble and my parents a lot of money. (I got a phone call yesterday about how much my bill is…yikes is all that can be said there.) So yeah, know yourself, even if you don’t have a mental illness. If you are lucky enough not to have a mental illness you still need to be aware of yourself and your triggers. I was once told that pain is a gift from God because without pain how else would you know that something is wrong? I found this statement profound when I heard it…and it is so true! When you feel emotional pain you need to stop and think about what’s going on and what is causing it just as much as you need to stop and take notice when you feel physical pain. So know yourself. Know what’s normal for you. And if you know someone who has a mental illness then help them out. Sometimes you notice when things aren’t quite right before they notice. And don’t worry about making them mad, because they will thank you in the end, I know I would.

Love, Randi