Survivor

Abuse rips you apart inside. I know. I won’t give you all the details, but I know. I know what it’s like to feel powerless and hopeless…to have no control over what is happening to you. I know what it’s like to go to school and wonder if you should tell someone…or to sit with mom and dad at the dinner table and wonder if you should speak up. Because you know what’s happening is wrong, but you’re scared that you’re the one whose wrong…whose gonna be in trouble. And the unfortunate truth is that because of the way the legal system works often times it does feel like you are the one in trouble when you finally do have the courage to speak up. I never spoke up while it was happening and I have my regrets about that, but my experiences with domestic violence and sexual assault advocacy actually make me kind of glad that I didn’t. The law is so consumed with the rights of the perpetrator that the victim is generally the one who suffers the most. I understand the need to protect the perpetrator, but what is the cost of these kinds of actions.

When I did my internship at My Sister’s House, I sat down in the office and read case files on my first and second day there. It infuriated me and broke my heart to read the files of men and women who were beaten, battered, raped and tormented and then they drop the charges because of all the things the perpetrator was saying in defense of him or herself.

Downton Abbey this season has a character that I really like that was raped in the first episode of the season. She decides against going to the authorities and the person watching it with me is fussing about how the man could hurt someone else if she doesn’t tell. And I’m sitting there watching it and I feel like I’m on fire…like I’m burning alive as my mind plays tricks on me on how many other victims there have been since me because I haven’t spoken up. But even though I hurt thinking of these other people, I just don’t have the courage to do it. I have a lot of reasons but the biggest one is that I don’t want to end up like the people in those case files I read…those people were hurt again by seeking justice and I am so tired of hurting. So I sit there every Sunday night watching that show and thinking about how many other people are out there that have been hurt because I don’t have that kind of strength in me.

I follow the lives of two of the people that hurt me. Their lives are messed up. I can see them hurting as I read their latest status updates and see their latest uploads. Their lives are consumed by their pain and I know that someone most likely hurt them along the road and that this is part of the reason why they hurt me. That doesn’t excuse them. They hurt me, but I haven’t hurt anyone…and I never will.

I’m shaking as I type these things because I know that I’m putting this out there for the world to see. I don’t know what you guys will think of me once you read this. Actually, I don’t know what you guys think of me as is, with me having bipolar disorder and borderline tendencies, but now I’m putting this out there. I’ve been hurt…a lot…more than I care to tell anyone, but I’m healing. The nightmares are still there though, but I’m getting better with self-soothing. And being around people is difficult. I don’t like there to be a lot of people, loud noises or closeness…it feels unsafe to me. But I’m getting better.

I made a friend while I was in the hospital. She is the first friend I’ve had that has been through something similar to what I have been through. She’s awesome. She has strength that I can only dream about and even though we are just starting to know one another I already admire her. She told her family the entire truth of her past and even confronted her abuser…I couldn’t be prouder to call her my friend. I don’t know if I will ever confront any of my abusers. They know who they are and they know what they have done…I really want to leave the rest up to God, for now anyways. I don’t know if this is the right answer or anything, but it’s all I can handle for now.

So I’m making a list of goals that I want to reach:

• I want to practice mindful breathing without it making me more anxious. This means I have to practice. I know that this is going to be tough, because I hate it. Every time I shut everything off and try and sit in silence and focus on the moment my mind races to dark places. But I know that if I practice then it will pay off when I really need it.

• I want to sleep through the night. I can’t remember the last time I didn’t wake up terrified at least once in the night. I would really like to get a good night’s sleep…which brings me back to the whole mindfulness thing.

• I want to be able to smell spearmint without freaking out. This one I dread. The smell of spearmint makes me sick and can a lot of the time cause me to have a flashback. And this goal terrifies me because I know that the only way to overcome it is by exposure. It might be a while before I conquer this one.

• I want to forgive them. I know that to be forgiven, I must forgive. I use to think that I had forgiven them, but after my last therapy session I realized that I hadn’t. I still want them to suffer because of what they did to me. I need to work on letting them go and praying for them to have a good life and prosper.

• I want to go to Walmart without feeling like punching someone in the face. I’m serious. I literally imagined a scenario the last time I was in Walmart that involved me shouting at a woman that kept getting to close to me. This is a frequent event in Walmart…the store is so freaking crowded I can hardly stand it. And I know that if I’m going to do this the best way to do it is exposure…so if you see me wondering the isles of Walmart, do yourself a favor and don’t run up and hug me

• I want to hug people without feeling sick about it. I don’t do well with physical contact. If I don’t initiate it, I don’t like it…period. If you want to hug me, ask me. I will probably say yes because you had the courtesy to ask, but for the love of God, would all you southerners please stop rushing at me and hugging me? Seriously? Just ask me…it would go a long ways with me and if you ask enough then I will probably eventually tell you that you don’t need to ask anymore, because you have gone through the effort of caring then I will respect and trust you enough to allow it. And I know that accomplishing this goal is going to come back to exposure too. Oh and don’t ask sarcastically…you know who you are…

• Lastly, I want to sit in a waiting room without feeling like someone is going to attack me. Don’t ask me what it is about waiting rooms, but I can’t stand them. I feel like I have to watch everyone at once because one of them is going to try and hurt me. I know that I’m just being paranoid, but I can’t help it. And this comes back to the self-soothing crap. And just talking about self-soothing makes me want to punch my therapist in the face…I’m seriously getting tired of hearing him tell me to do it…and here I am talking about needing to do it…maybe I should punch myself in the face…

So these are just a few practical goals I want to get at.

Love, Randi