God Whooped My Butt While I Was Driving

I was driving home from church tonight and I was having myself a big old pity party with God. You know what I’m talking about. “Poor me…everything is so hard for me…why does it have to be this way…why can’t I be this way,” etc. I am going to be transparent here and tell you that my particular complaint was that I spend a lot of time sowing into other people’s lives but it feels like I am in a season where no one sows into me and I was feeling sorry for myself. I asked God if I could get a little encouragement from someone other than my mom for once. And I heard God say to me “Am I not enough?” Well that shut me up! I stammered my apologies feeling like a moron. Here I am complaining about how no one loves me or cares about me and the Most High King is asking me why He isn’t enough!

How many of us have been there? I am being honest here that I take it for granted that God is always there for me. Sometimes I forget that He’s right by my side every moment of everyday and He longs for my attention. And there I was with my head up my rear-end complaining about my life and the lack of attention that I felt I was getting.

My lesson here was that God is always there and He wants nothing more than to love on me but if I don’t give Him the chance He can’t do it. Sometimes I need to turn off the music and just listen to what He has to say.

Well God wasn’t done with me there. After I apologized I got a little smart with God and said “Well how in the world am I supposed to respond to that! Of course you are enough…I just…I want…” Again I was at a loss. The truth of the matter is I was still saying He wasn’t enough.

I got quiet for a little while and I heard God say that He understands me completely. He told me that He knows what it is like to want someone’s attention and not get it, that He understands the desire for people to talk to me and lift me up. And again, I felt like a moron. I am complaining about my little life and here God is being ignored by half the freaking world! God loves us all and I found myself asking again for forgiveness because I am guilty of neglecting Him.

But God still wasn’t done. He said “Did I not give Israel a king because they asked? Because you ask, I will give to you.” Again I got smart with God and said, “Well my goodness I hope this request turns out better than Israel’s did.” I heard God laugh and I joined in.

But again God surprised me. First He reminded me of how selfish I was being. That it is not about me. But then He turned around and told me that He will give to me what I have asked for! Isn’t God amazing! I am sure He was very frustrated with my attitude (and rightly so I might add) but He ended up saying that because I asked, I will receive.

So by this point I am sure that you all think I am completely insane, talking to God on  my drive home like this but I really learned some things: God wants my attention and He will bless me when I ask…even if He doesn’t quite agree with my desire in the first place.

So I wanted to tell you that God wants your attention. As crazy as it may seem to you that I sat and literally talked out loud to God in my car and then got quiet and heard Him talk back, the truth is He wants to do the same with you. He’s right here…right by your side, right now, as you read this. He wants you to talk to Him, He really does. You are the apple of His eye and He longs for your attention. So do it. Say something. Even if it’s just saying hey to Him, I am sure that He would love it if you said hello every once in a while. And the even better thing to do is to listen. You can’t hear Him in the noise. You need to turn off the music and Facebook and listen. And it’s most likely not going to be a deep booming voice coming out of nowhere (if it was I would need a change of underwear). No, it doesn’t work like that. Listen inside of yourself, deep inside. What do you feel your heart is saying? What does that deep place in your stomach feel like? That is where God speaks, all you have to do is listen.

The last thing I want to tell you is to ask. Ask for the stupid things that don’t matter. I am not saying God is going to give you a million dollars…no, it doesn’t work like that. Ask for what your heart wants. If your single and want a spouse ask for one and then listen to what God has to say on the matter. If you want a better marriage, ask and then listen to what He has to say. If you want new friends, ask! If you want to make a good grade on that test, ask!

Just talk to Him, ask Him what’s on your heart, and tell Him what’s on your mind. He wants to hear you, even about the stupid stuff, even about the things that you don’t want to tell your best friend because it sounds so ridiculous. For the love of all things in heaven just talk!

Love, Randi

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Mourning

My heart aches from the pain of this day.

Decisions were made and there is always a price to pay.

I had to face the fact that I was being treated like a dog.

So I sought wise counsel and talked to God,

And I heard Him tell me that I deserve better,

And I heard Him tell me to let Him be my shepherd.

To let Him lead me down the path the that He made,

To not let my broken heart dissuade,

Dissuade from the life He wants me to have,

And not let the pain rob me of my laugh.

Because to Him, when I smile the room lights up,

And to see me so hurt makes Him mad at the corrupt.

The truth is these people don’t make me a better person,

And with these people my passion for Christ seems to worsen.

So I cut these people out of my life,

And right now my heart is breaking and full of strife.

Cause I care so much about their hearts,

But they aren’t my responsibility, I can’t light that spark.

The spark that sets a person on fire for the things of Christ,

It’s a fire that burns in every area of my life.

But even though my heart is heavy I still have peace.

The moment the decision was made I felt that release.

The release you get when you line up with Him.

And I have already forgiven them for their sin.

But even in this peace I’m taking time to mourn.

I mourn so that tomorrow new things can be born.

So I look forward to tomorrow and what God has planned,

And even though I’m hurting tonight in this truth I will stand.

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You Are Cherished My Love

You are cherished my love.

As I walk with you on your path,

Your future is in my hands, I’ve forgotten your past.

You are cherished my love.

For you, I gave my only son,

And I’d do it again for you lovely one.

You are cherished my love.

I long for your attention,

For you I always send my redemption.

You must know by now, you are cherished my love.

I plan out your days,

I love to inhabit your praise.

Please hear me, you are cherished my love.

With you I want to spend all my time,

No matter how bad, I forgive your every crime.

I need you to know you are cherished my love.

I love it when you stop and listen,

Because I know the right way to send you on my mission.

Because you are cherished my love.

I send to you my spirit,

And I love when you live in it.

Do you hear me? You are cherished my love!

I wrap my arms around you!

Do you know, child, of your value?

You are cherished my love.

I created your every part,

I have given you every start.

You are cherished my love.

I won’t ever give up,

I will chase you till like me, you are love struck,

Because you are cherished my love.

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Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

I’ve been reading Lioness Arising with the women’s connect group at my church and I have to say I love it. These are some awesome women of faith and I enjoy being in their company each week but I have to wonder if they know how awesome they truly are. I was observing them tonight and I took notice of the different ladies in the group. There were those like me sitting alone and patiently waiting for the group to start. There were several laughing and carrying on and then there were a few more intimate conversations going on. I have been watching these ladies for a few weeks now and I see the pattern forming. The one’s that are talkative and outgoing seem to flock to one another and those who prefer a more solitary environment end up by themselves. And I have to admit I am a part of this. I like to sit on the end of the row by myself and I voice my thoughts on occasion and with much apprehension. In my mind I am still new to this church and new to these women and I do not want them to get the wrong impression of me. I am very opinionated and I can sometimes come off as forceful and a bit of a know-it-all and I don’t want these ladies to see what I see in the mirror every day.

I see my flaws when I look in the mirror. I’m 25 and still have horrible acne, I have scars all over my stomach, arms and legs because of cutting for years and from constantly picking at bug bites on me. I know how I can seem to people and these women are more…seasoned than me and I don’t want to step on anyone’s toes. I think that each and every one of them has something special to offer the group and I would hate to say something that would close the door for me to gain wisdom from them. I would also hate to see their own insecurities hinder them from the opportunity to connect and grow in the presence of such powerful, anointed and faithful women.

But I was sitting there tonight during discussion with a thought running through my head and I wanted to say something but I kept shutting myself down because of this fear that I have of what these women will think of me. I pushed my own thoughts and emotions away and centered my focus on the conversation but that thought kept running through my head. Eventually I swallowed my fear and spoke up. I don’t know if anyone of them understood what I was saying or even cared but I don't think that was God's point. I said it and I think that I by letting my young voice sound I put a chip in the wall of fear that I have about what people think of me.

So this got me to thinking about the other women in the room. That quite and beautiful lady who sits by herself each night, I am always wondering what’s going through her mind. She might not think I would find it interesting but the truth is I would. I love to hear other people’s thoughts. The truth is that if you think it’s important enough to say then I think it’s important enough to listen to. How many of us don’t say what’s on our minds, or do what’s in our heart out of fear? I know I am guilty of this.

And that brings me to something that has been discussed in this Bible Study I am in: we are fearfully and wonderfully made. I know I just quoted an over-quoted scripture but how often do we really act like we are fearfully and wonderfully made? If I am honest with myself it doesn’t happen very often. What if I walked around every day and acted like I really believed that this scripture was true? I know one thing…I wouldn’t have given talking tonight a second thought!

In the Lioness Arising it talks about how the lioness is both a nurturer and a hunter, that the very part of her body that she uses to rip her prey to shreds she uses to carry her young to safety. Wow! The power of the lioness is astounding to me. The more I find out about her the more fascinated I become with myself. I want to be like this lioness. I want to inspire both fear and wonder with my presence like the lioness.

My connect group leader tonight spoke of a situation where she was requested to speak positive things about another individual and then about herself. Then she was instructed to speak negative things about another individual then herself. The sad thing is that I bet every woman reading this knows how that went. She found it easy to speak positive things about the other, but not about herself and she found it easy to say negative things about herself but not about the other. I can totally relate to this. I find it so easy to build other people up and tear myself down and I was thinking of how many amazing women I have heard do this and it broke my heart. Is this behavior acting like we believe that we are fearfully and wonderfully made? I think not.

So if we truly believe that we are fearfully and wonderfully made then I wonder how is it that we so easily tear ourselves down? I have never heard of a lioness with low self-esteem. That would be a ridiculous sight: to see a magnificent creature such as a lioness wandering around the jungle head hung low dragging her paws across the jungle floor as though she is already defeated. But to me that is how crazy this idea of women tearing themselves down is. When God looks at us He sees His fearfully and wonderfully made creation and it breaks His heart when we tear ourselves down.

So I dare you to act like you believe this scripture. Hold your head high beloved one. Pull those shoulders back and straighten up! Take your stance because you inspire both fear and wonder. You have power that can both nurture and destroy. I see you through the eyes of Christ and it is time that you started seeing you that way. I am ready to see a lioness arising in all of you! Love,

Love, Randi

Reference: Lioness Arising by Lisa Bevere

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God Loves Homosexuals

I’ve been fighting with this post in my head for a long time now. I know that some of you are going to be angry at what I have to say here but I am sick and tired of the hatred that I see in so called Christians toward the homosexual community.

Let’s get one thing straight; God loves homosexuals just as much as He loves anyone else. Now I am not saying that a homosexual lifestyle is not a sin. I do believe that this lifestyle is a sin in the eyes of God; I think the Bible is pretty clear on this. But here is the thing; God does not view any one sin greater than another. That lie you told yesterday in no more of a sin than a homosexuals lifestyle choices.

I know that sin separates us from God. But here is something else; Jesus’ sacrifice tore the veil. Our sin no longer separates us from God. Once we accept the gift of salvation the blood of Jesus covers our sins. That means the one’s we committed in the past and the ones we will commit in the future.

I would hate to believe that every time I sin I need to get “resaved.” I think that is ridiculous. I would spend more time in my day asking for forgiveness and reaccepting Christ into my life than anything else. I would be too busy trying to secure my place in heaven than I would be working for the good of The Kingdom, and that is stupid. Christ’s sacrifice covers me. I am saved through His blood and I believe that with all of my being.

Now I am not saying that you should go out and sin all you want once you are saved. No. I don’t believe that this is how it works. I don’t wake up in the morning and decide that I’m going to steal today, lie today, cheat today, and even have sex outside of marriage today. No. That is not how I operate and it’s not how you should operate either.

You see I believe that when you truly accept Jesus’ sacrifice and becoming born again it changes you. You no longer want to live a life of sin. You don’t want to be the way you are. You want to live a life for God. But that doesn’t mean all of your sinful ways are going to disappear overnight. No, that is not how it works. You have to work at it.

I know an alcoholic that is serving God right now. He struggles so much with his drinking problem. I see him beat himself up over and over again because he can’t seem to put down that drink in his hand. He has given this problem to God and fights everyday not to drink and for some reason unknown he just can’t seem to beat his addiction. Does that mean that he isn’t saved and is going to hell? It most certainly does not! I believe that God loves him and sees his struggle and pain. God forgives him every time he messes up because he is covered by the blood. But the point here is he doesn’t want to be the way he is. He prays and puts his efforts toward recovering and I believe that this is what matters.

Now there is a gene that some of us have that can make us more vulnerable to addictions. We are born this way. Some people develop addictions because of this gene and the vulnerability that it causes. They were born this way. And I believe that homosexuals are born the way that they are. They do not choose to be the way that they are. I have seen many of them struggle in their sexuality and pray and cry out to God for change but their genetics are against them. They don’t want to be the way they are. That doesn’t mean that they should go and live a sinful lifestyle though.

I know I am hitting at a touchy subject here but this is what I truly believe. I don’t think that homosexuals want to be homosexual. I believe that if they really look inside themselves they really would have to admit that they want to be “normal.” (I use the word normal very loosely here because I do not really believe that there is any such thing as normal.) I don’t believe that they woke up one morning and said “Hey, I am going to be a homosexual. I am going to face all the ridicule and hatred that comes with this decision happily.” No, I don’t believe than anyone that is a homosexual thought that.

I believe that there are homosexual Christians. I believe that these people live the way they do with a heavy heart. They pray out to God to change them and hope that it will happen but when it doesn’t happen that doesn’t mean they are going straight hell. I believe that a true born again homosexual wants to live a life that reflects Jesus but, in a since, just like the alcoholic I know, they just can’t help it. Their heart probably breaks inside when they really think about the way they are. And I pray for these people. I pray for their deliverance just as I pray for my own deliverance with the issues I deal with.

So with that said God loves homosexuals. The last thing I want to tell you is that I believe that some of these people that truly love God and desire to be like Him will be in heaven. I believe that one day me and some of the best people I know that struggle with their sexuality in this way will both walk the streets of gold.

I hope that those of you who are homosexual will think about this and see the truth of the matter. And I hope that those of you who are not homosexual will see the truth I tell and really pray for these people and show them as much love and care as you would anyone else. We are all sinners but the blood of Jesus has torn the veil. Through his sacrifice we are all redeemed.

I love you all, Randi

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Crazy People Pills

Medications can be a blessing and a curse. I take quite a few of them myself to manage my Bipolar Disorder.

When I first starting taking psychotropic medications I felt horrible about myself because everything I was told about medications of this kind told me that it was wrong. I had been taught that if you were depressed you didn’t need medication, you needed to pray more and wait for God to heal you. I was taught that needing these medications made me weak. I was taught that accepting these medications meant I was giving up and giving into the enemy’s plan. I was taught that by taking these medications I was giving up on God. I was taught that being depressed and having other mental health issues meant I was oppressed by spirits.

I have learned different now. I remember sitting in my psychiatrist’s office crying and telling her all of these things. She had noticed that I was reluctant to take the medication that she was getting ready to prescribe me and gave me a little push to share my concerns. As it turns out she is a mighty woman of God who is equipped to teach the truth. She listened to my concerns and the firmly but gently told me her point of view. She told me that my mind is an organ just like any other organ in my body and that when those organs don’t work right we take medication for them. She used the example of a person with diabetes who needs insulin because their pancreas stopped working right. She asked me if I would tell a diabetic any of these things. I told her I wouldn’t. And then she asked me why I would believe any of those things about myself because one of my own organs doesn’t want to work right? She went on to tell me that God is the creator of all things and that he created the elements that combine to make these medications. He created the individuals with the skills, talents and intelligence to combine these different things to create these drugs.

Mankind has evolved and because of this evolution medicine has advanced. Things that would have killed us years ago can now be cured. Vaccinations prevent some sicknesses and many treatments improve the quality of life for otherwise hurting people. The advancement of psychotropic medications has improved the quality of living for a lot of individuals with mental illnesses; I am a living example of this.

Let me tell you it has been a journey. Not every medication works the same way and what works for one person may not work for another. I was mistakenly diagnosed with depression when I first entered the mental health world. I never really thought of my experiences with mania as abnormal, so I didn’t tell my physician about it. I was put on several different antidepressants and nothing seemed to work. It wasn’t until I was put on an antidepressant that can adversely affect individuals with Bipolar Disorder that we figured out what was wrong.

I hit the ceiling. I talked so fast it was almost impossible to understand me. I didn’t sleep much either. And I was so extremely happy. At first I thought that the new medication was working but slowly I started to realize that something was off. I became a little too happy. I began to get on people’s nerves. I never quit talking and I would ramble nonstop about things that didn’t make since. I couldn't sit still and my thoughts were coming to fast that I would change subjects mid sentence. I sat of the floor in a friend’s living room rhyming every word I could possibly think of and then became absolutely furious that nothing rhymed with orange. I drove by a church with sprinklers on in the front lawn, turned around and went sprinting through the sprinklers and then showed up at a friend’s house soaking wet talking one hundred miles an hour. My therapist was concerned and had me call my psychiatrist and tell them that she thought I was manic. The next day I was in the doctor's office and my psychiatrist new from the moment I skipped down her hall that something was off. It didn’t take long in her office for her to explain to me what was going on. By then my thoughts were coming so fast I was having trouble talking at all. That was when I was introduced to mood stabilizers and they have been a God sent.

I wish I could say that, that was my happily ever after moment but it wasn’t. A few months later I found out about my psychotic symptoms as one physician referred to it as. At this point in time I was away from home and seeing a different doctor in Tennessee. I am just telling you right here and now that the doctor you see can make a difference. I am not saying that this guy was incompetent but I didn’t like him and I honestly got the feeling he didn’t like me.

Long story short I ended up so scared that someone was coming for me that I was under the covers in my loft telling the person I was on the phone with that they had to talk quietly because someone was coming for me and I didn’t want them to hear us. That was terrifying and that is just one of the many bizarre states of mind that I was in on and off during that time. I had enough sense left in me to admit myself to the hospital and then I entered the world of antipsychotic medications.

I wish I could tell you that this was my happily ever after moment but it wasn’t. They put me on a medication that turned me into a zombie. I was here, but I wasn’t here. There is basically an entire year of my life that I don’t remember a lot of because of that drug.

Close to a year of being on that medication I started to realize that I was more connected to the world around me when I forgot to take my meds. I was back at home and back with my awesome psychiatrist and I talked to her about it and we both agreed that I needed to come off of it and go on something else. Long story short the next medication made me gain forty pounds in a year and then I injured my knee because of all the weight gain. We had to get me off that medication onto one that wasn’t going to make me gain weight.

Now keep in mind that this about two years after getting diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and I was still having a really hard time. We had managed to get some control over my moods and psychotic symptoms but the side effects of the medications where unacceptable. So we had to start again. And we tried and tried and tried until we found one that seemed to work pretty well and I wasn’t even maxed out on the dosage. I was still having some symptoms so we decided to go up a little more on the dosage and then something miraculous happened. I felt normal. I wasn’t paranoid and my anxiety had significantly improved. We hadn’t expected those kinds of results. We had come to accept a long time ago that we probably wouldn’t ever be able to completely manage my paranoia and anxiety and that we would just have to expect God to intervene through a different channel than medication, but for some reason with that increase in dosage I felt normal for the first time in what was now three years after my diagnosis.

Now do keep in mind that I didn’t just solely depend on the medication. I sought God diligently through all of this. I prayed for his guidance and wisdom as I popped those pills. I prayed for healing in my body and that I would be able to be myself again. And my psychiatrist prayed too. We would sit in her office sometimes and she would pray for my healing and for wisdom on her part as to how to handle the situation.

So I have told you all of this with a reason. Having a mental illness does not mean you don’t love God enough. It does not mean you’re possessed or being oppressed by demons. It just means one of your organs isn’t working right. And seeking help doesn’t make you weak. Taking medication for your illness does not mean you are giving up on God’s healing power. It just means that you are open to God’s healing power coming to you through a different channel. I believe sometimes God heals in many different ways and sometimes that healing can come through medication. He created it after all, so why in the world would he not use medication to heal his children?

Lastly I just want to tell you guys that if you struggle with depression or any other kind of mental health problem don’t be afraid to seek help. There are going to be negative people and you have to show discernment when it comes to telling people about your problems and about your medications. Don’t give up if the first try doesn’t work. There are a lot of options out there so don’t be afraid to try again if the first time doesn’t work. God loves us all and that includes people who struggle with mental illness. I love you all and if you ever need an ear to listen I’m here,

Love, Randi

Thank you my wonderful psychiatrist. You are beautiful inside out and your work is truly a ministry and you have ministered to my heart during this journey we are on.

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