Just Pray

This past Friday, for the 8^th time, I was released from a psychiatric hospital. To say this is getting old would be the understatement of a lifetime. But I know God has plans for me. Despite it all I haven’t given up on my dreams. I can only hope that God will use these things that have been going on for the past 8 years in a way to further His kingdom.

There was something different about this time, though. For the first near 48 hours I was without medication while the doctor made decisions on how to treat me. I was once again suicidal and psychotic. Things got really bad when I went without medication. I had terrible hallucinations the scarred me and ended with me being put on unit restriction due to the fact that I was trying to self-harm. (For those that don’t know unit restriction is when you have to be watched all the time and you cannot leave the unit...not even for meals.) But once the doctor put me on medication and few days later, much to his surprise, I made a turn around. The hallucinations went away much faster than the doctor predicted and without having to increase the dosages of my antipsychotics like he thought he would. The doctor couldn’t keep to look of surprise off his face when I told him that over the weekend the hallucinations had went away. I was blessed to have a very great doctor while there. He listened to me when I told him things and allowed me to have a say so in my treatment there. But I don’t credit the doctor for my turn around. I give glory to God for how quickly things got better this time. And I thank all of the wonderful people who prayed for me while I was there.

Once things started to get better I tried to focus on God. I chose to read Christian books while there, that would feed me spiritually, instead of escaping into a good fictional novel, like I usually do. I chose to use my time there to listen to God. One night while there I was overwhelmed by His presence and the peace He gave me. I prayed in earnest about things for the first time in a long time and most importantly I listened for God’s voice as I prayed. As I laid in my bed one evening praying to God and trying to understand why these things keep happening and wondering to Him about why I have to suffer like this, I heard that still, small voice tell me the He sees me and my pain and that He hasn’t forgot about me. It brought me to tears. I think that in the mess of it all I had forgotten how much God loves me and I could feel His love as I laid there.

I made a friend while there. And as God turned my situation around I began praying for her too. She wasn’t sleeping and was becoming increasingly psychotic due to the lack of sleep. I felt God move me to pray for her while I was there and as I went to bed one evening my prayers focused on her, asking God to allow her to sleep. And she did. God turned her situation around too. I couldn’t help but marvel at the power of God as she told me the next day how well she had slept. She ended up being released on the same day as me. I told her that I had prayed hard for her to sleep…I wanted her to know that God had not forgotten her too. She thanked me for my prayers and then thanked God for allowing her to finally rest.

Having God answer my prayers for my friend really moved me. I started praying for others…my family, my friends and other people that were in the hospital with me. The day I was released three other people where released and I don’t think it was by accident that on a unit that only had 12 people on it released four people that had recovered enough to go home on the same day. I think God had something to do with 1/4^th of the unit being released all at once. And two more people were getting out on the following Monday! (They do not release people on the weekends on that unit.) So, half the unit recovered enough to be sent home on two consecutive release dates. I know God had his hand in that.

And I haven’t stopped praying since I’ve been released. I find myself leaning on God now more than ever. Like I said in the beginning, this is getting old. I’m ready to be used by God. I’m tired of sitting on the sidelines. So, I’m changing volunteer jobs. I had made an effort to do this before I was hospitalized, but I figured nothing would come of it…especially after being put in the hospital, yet again.

Well the day I was released I found myself presented with a new opportunity. As I rode home from the hospital I was checking my emails and as it turned out there was an email waiting for me from the place I had sent in an application. And even more to my surprise they were interested in me! I shot a quick email back asking for when would be a good time to go in and speak to them about volunteering and even further to my surprise, before I got home, I had another email telling me when I could stop in. And before the day was out I had been interviewed by their volunteer coordinator and even asked if I could start volunteering this coming week! I am planning on giving my old volunteer position at the nursing home my two weeks notice when I go in this Tuesday and I’m going to start volunteering at a women’s shelter that deals with domestic violence and sexual assault in a matter of a few weeks. God is so great you guys! I can’t wait to see what comes out of this change!

So, I find my faith increased after this hospitalization. And I feel great. (But not too great for those of you who understand bipolar disorder.) Most of the time when I’m released from the hospital it takes a while for me to feel like myself again, but not this time. I find myself feeling like me again. But even better than before, I find myself full hope. And its been a long time since I have felt hopeful. I know I have a long way to go before I reach my dreams, but I can’t help but feel like I’m starting to get on the right path for a change. I’m definitely choosing to put God in the situation more so than ever before.

So, pray for me you guys. Pray that God will lead me and that I will listen. Pray that God will use me and these things I have been through. Pray for my healing. Just pray.

Love, Randi

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Suicide Prevention

I want to talk to you guys about suicide today. I recently overheard a story that gave me great concern for a person’s well being. Not only was there suicidal thoughts but there were plans to carry out suicide and there were even some actions towards carrying out said plan…twice…but each time the plan was interrupted. I can only thank God that this person is alive. When this person finally told someone about what was going on in their life the individual talked to this persona and prayed with this person until they felt that this person was in a better place. Now, that MIGHT have been ok if this person was ONLY having suicidal THOUGHTS…but this person had suicidal plans, a means to carry out said plans, and had actually taken actions to carry out said plans…TWICE! Now as I was sitting there listening to this story…well it scarred the crap out of me that this person was not under psychiatric care…because that is what that person needs.

Having suicidal thoughts is not a good thing, but it does not necessarily mean that you need to be hospitalized. But it does mean that you need to be talking to someone and you need to be seeking help. And someone needs to be checking in on you on a regular basis. Because left untreated these thoughts can turn into much more dangerous things. Now, when you really need to start worrying about someone is when they have a plan. So, if someone tells you they are having suicidal thoughts ASK QUESTIONS. Ask them if they have a plan. And if they have a plan find out if they have a means to carry out that plan. If they have a plan, then they are a danger to themselves and need psychiatric attention. If they have a means to carry out said plan, then they need IMMEDIATE help! And for the love of God, DO NOT LEAVE THEM ALONE! And just talking to them and praying for them is not enough. I’m sorry but it isn’t. God is awesome and has the power to do miraculous things, but DON’T YOU DARE LEAVE A PERSON WITH A SUICDAL PLAN AND A MEANS TO CARRY OUT THAT PLAN ALONE! God is good, but God gave us brains and common sense…don’t give that person even the slightest chance to end their life. All of God’s children are precious and if you leave a suicidal person with a plan and a means to carry out that plan alone then you are playing with fire.

A lot of people think that asking questions about suicide is going to make the person even more suicidal. This is not true. Asking questions and getting them to talk to you about what is going on can be very helpful to the person. And often times, them opening up to you is a cry for help. Please don’t turn a deaf ear to their cries.

If you feel like they need to go to the emergency room and they put up resistance, then call 911 and tell them what is going on. This person may hate you at first but you could be saving their life in the long run. My first hospitalization was pretty horrifying to me. I didn’t know what to expect and I cried the entire time. I cried on the way to the emergency room, while I sat in the emergency room, to the exam room, to the back of the Sherriff’s car, to the psychiatric hospital, and all through the night. The entire time I couldn’t believe what was going on. But in hindsight it was that hospital visit that put me in position to find a psychiatrist when I got back home after being kicked out of school. If I had never been hospitalized and put on medication, then I never would have needed medication management and I would have never met the best psychiatrist in the world. And she has been with me from the beginning and she hasn’t given up on finding the right meds to give me the life that I want to live.

So you see, it may seem harsh to tell someone they need to go to the hospital and yes they may hate you, but it’s for their own good. I mean, how would you feel if you didn’t take any action, or you didn’t take the correct action, or you didn’t take them seriously enough and they did end up committing suicide? Just consider that for a moment. I know personally that, that would destroy me and I would never be the same if that happened. So below I’ve listed some signs of suicide and a number to call if you or someone you know is thinking about killing themselves. This is serious stuff guys.

Warning Signs of Suicide

If someone you know is showing one or more of the following behaviors, he or she may be thinking about suicide. Don’t ignore these warning signs. Get help immediately.

·       Talking about wanting to die or to kill oneself

·       Looking for a way to kill oneself

·       Talking about feeling hopeless or having no reason to live

·       Talking about feeling trapped or in unbearable pain

·       Talking about being a burden to others

·       Increasing the use of alcohol or drugs

·       Acting anxious or agitated; behaving recklessly

·       Sleeping too little or too much

·       Withdrawing or feeling isolated

·       Showing rage or talking about seeking revenge

·       Displaying extreme mood swings

Get Help

If you or someone you know needs help, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1.800.273.TALK (8255). Trained crisis workers are available to talk 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

If you think someone is in immediate danger, do not leave him or her alone—stay there and call 911.
(This was taken from www.mentalhealth.gov)

Love, Randi

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The Church and Mental Illness

I recently read two really great books. One was about what the Bible had to say about mental illness and the other was about what the church's mission should be concerning those with mental health problems. I really enjoyed the book with the clinical and Biblical perspective on mental illness. It was very unique and even include examples of mental illnesses found in the Bible, but that is not what I want to talk about. What I want to talk about is the church and where is stands when it comes to ministering to those in it's congregations with mental illnesses. I’m not just saying this because I just read a book on it…well, not ONLY because I just read a book on it…I’m saying this because I’ve lived it.

Based on what I’ve read, one in four people will suffer a diagnosable mental illness in their lifetime. That means that it is possible for ¼ of any given church’s congregation to be suffering with mental health problems at some point in time. To me that is a staggering amount of suffering going on in the church.

Now let me honest here. I haven’t been attending church regularly for a long time. And it’s not because I’m mad at the church or hurt by the church or mad at God or anything. Honestly…it’s because crowds freak me out. And the church that I like to attend is a slightly larger church…so there is a crowd there. (But I'm working towards overcoming this fear in therapy so hopefully sometime in the near future I will be back in church.) But the people there are great. I have never felt judged by any of them or felt any condemnation because I have a mental illness. None of them have suggested an exorcism after reading a post about me hallucinating demons up here…so they’re pretty cool there. And I’m gonna be honest, I don’t know enough about their ministries to know what all they do to reach the mentally ill in their congregation, but I do know that they have a counseling ministry, so I know an effort is being made to reach out to the suffering…of all kinds.

Now, I would like to tell you some of the horrible things I’ve bumped into because of being mentally ill and being a Christian and trying to be in church. One of the first things I heard a preacher say that really got under my skin was that “we don’t need antidepressant, we need Jesus!” Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m all for the miraculous healing power of Jesus Christ, but to tell a congregation that they don’t need antidepressants, well that’s just wrong. Now, this pastor just said antidepressants, but I’m going to say this about all psychiatric medications, because I have heard other well meaning Christians talk bad about psychiatric medications and say that no one should be on them. So, please, please, please, PLEASE, if you have ever been told this by a well meaning Christian or pastor don’t take it to heart. I’m sure this pastor (or whomever said this) meant well, but if you take antidepressants, or any other psychiatric medication, don’t stop taking them…especially without your doctor’s help. And don’t stop taking them because your pastor told you to…that is STUPID! I’m sorry if that seems harsh, but it is. Your pastor is human! He is not God! He doesn’t have the power to heal you, only God can do that. So unless you have felt the Holy Spirit speak to you, telling you, you are healed, do not go off your medication, and even if the Holy Spirit has told you, you are healed please go off your medication with the help of your doctor...suddenly stopping psychiatric medications can be very dangerous.

Another thing that I’ve heard before is that mental illness is cause by demons and that you simply have to pray the demons away. I am now at the point in my life that I would like to slap the next person that says that to me. Mental illness is a sickness just like any other sickness we get. Just like cancer. Just like diabetes. Just like Crohn’s disease, and all other sicknesses. And do you know where all theses sicknesses come from? They come from sin. They come from the fall. They come from the moment Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit. The moment Adam and Eve ate that fruit they brought sickness and disease into this world. And the brain is an organ just like any organ and it can get sick just like any other organ can. And that is where mental illness comes from…a sick brain. That is all it truly is…a sick brain. But the brain is highly complex. And this complexity of the brain makes treating mental illness difficult...which is another reason people have difficulty believing mental illness is a really illness. But, this complexity is why finding the right course of treatment for two people with the same diagnosis can be extremely difficult. But there are great doctors out there, that have great minds and a lot of patience and work hard to find the best way to treat each patient that comes into their office. So, no…mental illness is not caused by demons. It is not caused by demon possession and it is not caused by demon oppression. So, if you are going around telling people that have a mental illness that they need to pray away the demons...please do me a favor and stop it...your just hurting them.

One reason I think the church is so reluctant to reach out and help the mentally ill is because they are afraid. I think that a lot of people watch a little too much TV and believe that mentally ill people are dangerous. Ok, so here’s the thing…most of us aren’t dangerous. Most of us are really just frail, frightened and suffering individuals who really just need a compassionate, loving, Spirit filled Christian to reach out to us and show us the love of God. I have been hospitalized seven times and I have only met 2 dangerous people out of all of those times. Now, let’s keep in mind: I WAS IN THE A PSYCHIATRIC HOSPITAL. I was in a place where people go when they are at their worst. This is a place where people are put when they ARE dangerous and out of all those seven times I have been in that hospital I have only met two truly dangerous people. And the only reason they were dangerous was because they were psychotic. I left before they were stabilized, but I’m willing to bet, that once their doctor found the right medication for them they were no longer a danger to society. If you want to know the honest truth about the mentally ill…most of the time we are more of a danger to ourselves than we are to anyone else…if we are a danger at all.

Let’s talk about lack of education. Most pastor’s and their staff just don’t understand mental illnesses. I’ve never attended seminary, but I’m pretty sure there isn’t a class that teaches you about the mentally ill, unless it’s taken as an elective or something. I think that churches need to educate themselves on the mentally ill. Not only could this keep them from saying hurtful things and believing silly untruths, but it could also save a life. If the church is aware of the signs of mental illness and even the signs of suicide, then perhaps they can spot people in their congregation suffering and reach out to them. I can’t count how many times I have sat alone in a church service suffering in silence and no one has noticed anything was wrong with me, even when I know, in hindsight, I was showing some signs of distress. If churches could educate themselves, maybe even offer a class to those interested in learning more, then a lot of things could change for the better. And if you are wondering how on earth you could offer a class to your church…I’m willing to bet there are professionals out in the community (or possibly even in your church already) that would love to help educate people on spotting signs of mental illness and suicide and things like that.

There is one thing I would like to suggest that churches could do that I believe would be very beneficial to those in the church suffering with a mental illness and even to the family members of those who suffer with a mental illness. Support groups. This is something that was mentioned in one of the books I read and I really loved how it was executed. Not only did these support groups reach the church but it also reached the community. The book made the point of saying that a lot of people turn to the church when they start suffering but when there is no help for the mentally ill in churches then they have no where to turn…so they continue to suffer in silence, or look for help in the secular world. And I believe that a Holy Spirit lead support group for the mentally ill and their families could do way more for someone than a secular support group. I did a Google search on Christian support groups for the mentally ill in my area before I decided to write this post and there are none. I would love to attend something like that, but sadly it’s not out there.

Well, I have rambled on enough on this topic. I could keep going, but I think I have said enough for now. I hope I have given you all some things to think about. Hit me up if you have any questions…or if you would like to know what the two books I just read are. For now,

Love, Randi

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