Daring to Dream Again

Over the years I have had many slaps in the face when it comes to my dreams. I have been kicked out one undergraduate college for mental health reasons and I have been kicked out of one graduate college for mental health reasons. I had to drop out of another graduate school because I couldn’t handle it due to my mental health. So, I have to face it…achieving my goals seems impossible. But despite my many setbacks I still managed to graduate with a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. A feat that is rather impressive, (according to several therapists and my psychiatrist anyways) seeing as I was hospitalized seven times in eight years and had to deal with severe mood swings, overwhelming emotions, extreme anxiety and even psychosis, to name a few things. But I haven’t yet managed to get my graduate degree…and it’s something I want…desperately. Because in order to become what I really want to become in life…I need that graduate degree.

You see, I’ve wanted to be a therapist since high school…even before I started having mental health problems. Even before bipolar disorder, PTSD and Borderline Personality disorder. That may seem hard to believe, but I kinda see it as destiny. I had a desire to help people before I needed help myself. And now I have a perspective that a lot of clinicians just don’t have. (And honestly a lot of them could use a little perspective from the other side of the chair.)

And now I’m doing better than I have in eight years thanks to a new medication change. I mean, I know I have a long way to go, but…I can’t help but have hope. I’m better today than I have been in the past eight years. So I’m thinking…I’m dreaming…just a little. There is a little voice in me that says…what if…what if you try again? What if you make it this time?

So, here’s what I’m thinking about doing in the fall. Applying. Just applying for a part time program. No full time. I don’t want to push myself too much. And I’m going to take advantage of the school’s disability department this time. I’m not going to try and act like I don’t need help. Because let’s face it…if there is one thing the past eight years have taught me is that I’m not normal. So, I’m done pretending like I can do it without help.

If I get into the program I want to get into I would start Summer of 2018, which means I have just about a year to work on myself a little more. Which means I have a short window of time to work on better managing overwhelming emotions and that pesky, ever lingering anxiety that I seem to have.

But right now I don’t have a therapist. But I am working on that. I have an appointment with one next week and we will see how that goes. And I am on a waiting list for another one. I have a better feeling about one of them than I do about the other, but we will see how it goes. I'm taking my old therapist's advice and trying out more than one just to get a feel for what's out there, and in order to get the best possible therapist I can...seeing as I can no longer see him. (As far as I'm concerned he is the best out there and I would recommend him to anyone.)

So, here I am, at the end of June 2017 daring to dream again. And I’m scared. I don’t want to fail again. Because if I fail again I don’t think I will be able to try anymore. If I fail again I will probably just calls is quits and try and get myself declared permanently disabled and get my student loans done away with. Because the only thing stopping me from trying to do that right now is that I have just a little hope that I am not permanently disabled…that I can, one day, work like everyone else does…that I can be “normal,” like everyone else.

I’m nervous, sure, but I’m gonna try and be brave too…because I want that degree. I always have and probably always will. And I have to believe God put that desire in my heart for a reason. So, wish me luck guys, because come this fall I’m gonna try and get into a graduate school. God's will be done!

Love, Randi

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Coping Strategies

Panic settles deep inside sometimes and I don’t know what to do. It can feel like I’m suffocating. Every breath can feel like a struggle, but I’ve learned some coping strategies over the years and I’ve decided to share a few of mine with you guys, just in case you could use some of them yourself.

The first one, and the hardest one for me to learn…slow down my breathing. When I start getting anxious my breathing accelerates and if I don’t slow it down I can swing into a full blown panic attack really quickly. I have to get somewhere comfortable and start taking slow and deep breathes. I like to count seconds in my head in order to slow them down. In my old therapist’s office there use to be a clock that ticked on the wall. He would have me listen to the ticking and count the seconds. It helped, so I got into the habit of doing it. Five seconds in, five seconds out. In through the nose, out through the mouth. There are lots of ways to do this, but that is the way I was taught and therefore, that is the way that works for me.

Another thing I do is wrap up tightly with a blanket. I know that this can seem kind of childish, but there is just something soothing about it…like someone giving you a big, warm hug. So, I climb onto my bed and wrap up in my big, warm comforter. Sometimes this helps and other times it just seems kind of pointless…but hey…when panic sets in I will try anything.

Another thing I do is use essential oils. I got this from my old therapist, my mom and from a friend. My old therapist mentioned it a few years back but I kind of blew it off. Then my mom purchased me a basic set for Christmas this past year and I’ve been sporadically diffusing some of them just to see if I like any of them. But more recently a friend reintroduced me to it and I’ve kind of gotten addicted to certain blends. But you have to find the right blends for you…there are a lot out there. She sells them and gave me some samples to try and I’ve found two that really help…so I’m making some purchases ASAP. The two I am getting I can diffuse them AND I can wear them. I’m wearing my favorite right now. (I’m a little anxious this morning.)

Another thing I do is take my anti-anxiety medication. It's pretty fast acting and prescribed by my psychiatrist. I don't use it unless everything else has failed or unless I am really upset. I use these pills as a last resort because they are addictive and I do not wish to develop a dependency on them. Therefore if you need to use anti-anxiety medication to manage you conditions please use caution and follow your doctor's instructions. But I will say that sometimes, I'm so upset that the medicine doesn't even help.

But one of the best things you can do is talk to someone. Whether that be a trusted friend, a parent, a therapist, a pastor or even a hotline operator. (Chatroom hotlines are becoming more and more popular if you are uncomfortable talking with someone on the phone.) I know personally how hard it is to reach out when things become overwhelming. For me, I don’t want to be a burden to people. I worry that I will just be a nuisance to whomever I am talking to or spending time with. But I am learning that the people that love us and care about us want to be there for us…even if we may not believe it.

I have other coping strategies that I have learned but these five are the ones that I utilize that most, so these are the ones I am choosing to share. If you have some that you use please leave a comment below…I would love to hear about it. Love,

Randi

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Living in a Fog

A little over two years ago I was hospitalized for the 7^th time in a psychiatric hospital. I was suicidal, having a mixed bipolar episode and psychotic…at least that’s what I remember. They scrapped all my medications and started me on an entirely new set of meds. It was hard. I was in there for over two weeks, but when I came out, I was stable.

But things weren’t quite right. I wasn’t really me. But even though I wasn’t myself I was willing to move forward with the new meds. Over time it became clear I wasn’t really interested in much anymore. I didn’t really care to get dressed up and play in my makeup. I didn’t read anymore. I didn’t really comprehend things very well. I was a shell of a person. I was living in a fog. But still the memory of suicidality and hearing voices and seeing demons and being depressed and being extremely anxious and having horrible flashbacks and intrusive thoughts and mania and being insanely paranoid haunted me…so I did nothing to change the side effects of my new meds.

But as months turned to years it became clear that this was no way to live. So I got brave. I talked to my then therapist, Dolan and my psychiatrist, Lynn about what was going on. And they agreed…it was no way to live. They too, were tired of watching me live as an empty shell. So Lynn said there was a newer medicine that we hadn’t tried before that we could try. We had singled out the medicine that was causing the fog and we were going to try and come off of it and replace it with a new medication that would hopefully keep me stable enough to live a life outside of the fog again.

And so we began…a few months ago now, slowly titrating off Haldol and going onto Vraylar. It was a long process. But slowly the fog has lifted. And slowly my personality has come back. And even better, most of my symptoms have stayed away. There has been no psychosis, no mania, no depression and no mixed episodes.

I have now been off Haldol 2 weeks and I couldn’t be happier. I read again. I spend more time with friends. I go out more. I get dressed up and play in my makeup again. I can concentrate again. I can comprehend things again. I have a personality again. A few days after I completely stop the Haldol I was reflected on the past two years and I really realized that I couldn’t remember a lot of it…it’s all, well…a fog.

There have been tradeoffs though. My anxiety is back with a vengeance. Especially the past week its come back really bad. But that means I just need to focus on my coping strategies that Dolan taught me over all those years together. (Thanks Dolan!) And my PTSD symptoms have come back too. I’ve got to deal with this stuff in therapy…I know. But it’s nice to be out of a fog. It’s nice to have my life back. It’s nice to be back.

So, I’m gonna try and write more. I have missed writing. It’s hard to be creative when your brain is being sedated. I’ve missed you guys, and I hope you’ve missed me. I look forward to posting up here more. This is all for now,

Love, Randi

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