Who is the REAL Enemy?

I had a rough day today. I posted late last night about how God has been really ministering to me and I feel like I’m really becoming the woman He wants me to be in order to walk in the destiny He has for me. Then today.

I love how predictable the enemy is. I announced how amazing God is last night and then Satan attacked me where it hurts today. I sat in a meeting and listen to two people question my destiny this afternoon. I listened to them attack my competency academically, professionally and personally…and it really hurt. I tried with great effort to defend myself, but it fell upon deaf ears. And the most painful part was the familiarity of their argument. I thought, as tears fell down my face, oh God don’t let history repeat itself. Don’t get me wrong…I don’t believe these individuals view what they did as an attack…but it was. It was an attack on the things God has promised me...and it slashed deep. When they finished their attack they put on smiling faces, while I cried, and asked what they could do to help me get ready for class. I told them to leave me alone.

I called my therapist and sobbed…I was actually sobbing so hard he told me to stop and calm down because he couldn’t understand me. He listened and then he encourage…then he gave me a game plan…and then he prayed…I love that I have a praying therapist. So I went through class, head held high, and walked out with my dignity in place. After class a friend and I sat in my car and slowly my sorrow turned to anger. I was very angry. You see I hate when people hide their true intentions behind smiling faces and false pretenses. These people sing the good song…we care…we want you to succeed…blah, blah, blah. What they are truly saying is that they want to make sure the institution is protected and their job is secure. I get fed up with the lies about actually caring about me. Don’t get me wrong, I believe that these people really do believe that they care…I think they really have convinced themselves of this…but after all these years of hearing different people sing the same tune I have discerned to truth.

But then I called my momma. I got an awesome momma. She prays. She speaks truth…even when I want to punch her in the face for it. She’s fearless and fierce…I admire her so much. She is a genuine woman. What you see is what you get. She understands what’s important and what isn’t. She knows how to have fun and still love God. She taught me how to love God and have fun doing it. I love my momma. But yeah…I called momma. I vented…I was pissed…she listened calmly and then reminded me who the real enemy is. She reminded me that those two people aren’t who I should be angry at, and she’s right.

So I got angry with the devil. I was going to sit here and type out some scriptures of encouragement for myself, but on the way over hear I started singing a song I haven’t heard in...I’m pretty sure it’s been years. “Nothing is impossible for you, nothing is impossible...” And I stopped walking and said to myself…what am I singing? Because I honestly didn’t know…the song came from my soul…it wasn’t a conscious decision to sing it…it rose up out of the place inside me that sings of the things of God. So I sung a few more lines and realized what I was singing. I marched over to my laptop and opened iTunes…

Healer

You hold my very moment

You calm my raging seas

You walk with me through fire

And heal all my disease

I trust in You, I trust in You

I believe You're my healer

I believe You are all I need

I believe

And I believe You're my portion

I believe You're more than enough for me

Jesus You're all I need

You hold my very moment

You calm my raging seas

You walk with me through fire

And heal all my disease

I trust in You, Lord I trust in You

I believe You're my healer

I believe You are all I need

Oh, I believe

I believe You're my portion

I believe You're more than enough for me

Jesus You're all I need

Nothing is impossible for You

Nothing is impossible

Nothing is impossible for You

You hold my world in Your hands

I believe You're my healer

I believe You are all I need

Oh, yes You are, yes You are

And I believe You're my portion

Lord I believe You're more than enough for me

Jesus You're all I need

More than enough for me

Jesus You're all I need

You're my healer

I love God. I really do. My heart has been full of pain and doubt ever since that meeting...but God! J He walks with my through fire and heals all my disease! He is all that I need! He is more than enough for me! Nothing is impossible for Him! He is my healer and I stand firmly by the things He has promised me. So it’s on repeat and I sing it loud…and hope my neighbors sleep through it.

Thanks God for reminding me that You are here with me and as always You’re holding my hand.

Love, Randi

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Broken Vessels

My mind is buzzing, my eyes are tired and my heart is full tonight. My life has been a whirlwind the past month. I moved out on my own, I started working part time and I made a spectacular display of grace and dignity that has resulted in two trips to the orthopedic urgent care and a future appointment with my ankle doctor. My leg, ankle and foot are still swollen but the rest of me is starting to find a new rhythm. I find these late hours soothing. The sun sets but there is no dark night sky nor chirping crickets of the country anymore, instead there is the warm glow of city and the gentle hum of traffic on the outer beltline. I think the thing I most enjoy about these hours is getting to listen to my worship music and have my own little worship service. Right now I sit here typing and swaying as I listen to “Broken Vessels,” off the new Hillsong album for about the third time…and it still stirs my soul.

Actually a lot of things have been stirring my soul lately. I saw a homeless man in the rain at a stop light the other day. My heart broke. I wanted to throw open my car door and tell him to get in. I wanted to bring him back here, offer him a warm shower, clean and dry clothes and a good meal…but then I thought to myself…I can’t do that! I’m a twenty something single woman living by herself…I would be insane to invite a homeless man into my home. But it stirred something in me and I can’t get him out of my head. Something about him made me want to smother him in the love of Christ and I’m finding that desire in me is becoming more and more prevalent. I'm finding myself looking at people I don't even know and being overcome with a strong desire to just...love on them...but you don't randomly hug strangers...especially me...I don't like hugs...period. So this is a very strange thing for me.

At least once a week I find myself sitting at this kitchen table sobbing my heart out to God…singing horribly to the lyrics of my favorite songs, speaking His language and I find myself experiencing something different. I think a lot about what my life is going to look like as a professional counselor and I know this one thing to be true…I will make a difference.

I’m taking Ethics in Counseling right now and we are looking a lot at what is right and wrong in our profession…well it’s much more complicated than that, but for the sake of simplicity I will leave it at that. And we were talking about self-disclosure in counseling. And I had decided a long time ago that I disliked counselors that tried to talk about themselves in relation to my problems, so I wouldn’t do that to any of my clients. Don’t get me wrong, I understand the temptation, but I also understand that no one person is the same. But we have been talking about social media and the potential risks and benefits that it presents in the profession. And in the process of this discussion the subject of my blog came up. And so my instructor raised the question…how will I maintain my decision to leave self-disclosure out of the client-counselor relationship when I am publishing personal things on my blog. And now I find myself faced with a dilemma. Can I operate this blog while maintaining my boundaries in session?

And I have given it a lot of thought over the past few weeks. This blog helps me in many ways, but in many other ways it is a ministry. It is a way for me to prove to you that you can have a mental illness and still be successful. It is a way for me to prove that you can have a mental illness and be a Christian. It is a way for me prove to you that mental illness does not equal demonic procession or oppression, as many Christians have maintained through the years. It is a way for me to prove to you the psychotropic medications are not something of the devil and they can actually be a God given tool in recovery and management of mental illness. It is a way for you to see someone fail, struggle and hurt, but also succeed, find victory and bask in the amazing healing power of The Most High King. And for those of you that know me and see me in real life, and not just my words, I take comfort in the fact that you respect me…despite seeing my struggles up here, you don’t treat me as though I am any less of a capable being. Now don't get me wrong...there will be a new level of thought put into what I post, but I will never stop using this blog in the way that God has asked me to.

So, God has been stirring some things in me. I know he wants me to continue to write. I know that there are those of you out there that are blessed by this blog. But I know there is so much more…and I think that these past few weeks have been hard, but they have also been very fulfilling. The Holy Spirit has ministered to me more nights in these wee hours of the night than He has in any other part of my life. And I look forward to what He has in store.

Hillsong Live: “Broken Vessels” Second Verse
You take our failure
You take our weakness
You set Your treasure
In jars of clay
So take this hear, Lord
I'll be Your vessel
The world to see
Your love in me

Love, Randi

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