Meds vs. Prayer

So, you may have noticed my absence from the Internet lately…or not. But whether you missed me or not, the last two weeks have been exhausting. I’m so tired. I started hallucinating two weeks ago after I forgot my meds twice a few days earlier. Oops is all I can say there. So long story short, I landed myself back in Holly Hill agin. I’ve had unstable moods since November of last year and between the stress of everyday life, my unstable moods, and forgetting my meds it all caught up to me. By the following morning I was in bad shape. I planned to kill myself when I left therapy Monday. My therapist new I wasn’t ok and asked me to stay and see my psychiatrist. He said if I left before seeing her he would call the police on me, so basically I didn’t have a choice. I saw my psychiatrist and she wanted me in the hospital. I didn’t tell them that I had a plan, but they knew I was not ok. I was having trouble focusing because of auditory hallucinations.

Once you walk though that admissions door and give them your name, you are stuck there. I had trouble communicating with basically everyone I came into contact with. I will tell you that it is quite overwhelming to hear voices and deal with a loud environment…and the environment of a psychiatric facility’s waiting room is ridiculous. Once I was in the back, I refused to go back to the waiting room. I informed the therapist that talked to me that “Noise is bad. People are bad. No noise, no people. They put me on the geriatric unit. It is a small unit with a lot of older people, therefore there isn’t a lot noise.

They didn’t have my antipsychotic in the pharmacy because it was too expensive to keep in stock. I sat on the floor next to the nurse’s station and cried. I was already in bad enough shape from missing two doses a few day earlier and now I was having to quit, cold turkey, and go without an antipsychotic until the doctor prescribed a new one.

I tell you guys all of this because I want those of you that struggle with mental illness to know you aren’t alone. I write because ignorance leads to judgment, and no one should be judged based on their mental health diagnosis. In fact, the next time you are in a library, go find the DSM-5…it’s in the reference section. There are disorder for everything in there. From schizophrenia to hair pulling…you name it, there is a mental health diagnosis for everyone and everything. I don’t think people are rude, inconsiderate or judgmental on purpose…I honestly believe that they are just ignorant.

Mental Illness is just like any other illness. When I found out I had Bipolar Disorder, the first thing I thought was that I was crazy and this just proved it. I have been blessed with a wonderful Christian psychiatrist, who I love very much. She has always been there for me and it was her that gave me another way to look at it.

 When we are sick get a cold we take medicine, right? We lay on our sofas, building a pile of tissues and swallow Nyquil. And as we lay there miserable we cry out, God please heal me, or at least I do this. Who knows what really healed your cold. Perhaps God took away you sickness, perhaps the medicine pulled you through the storm, but my point here is that you take the medicine and you pray.

I don’t doubt the healing power of the Holy Spirit, but I will say that sometimes I think His almighty power and healing hand can touch us in different ways. Perhaps it’s the medicine that manages my illness. Perhaps it is the prayers of my loving family and friends. But you know what I believe? I believe that it is a combination of the two that helps me live this life. I pray every day that God will heal me, that He will guide my doctors to the right decision and that the medications I take will bring some stability in my life.

So I pray. I pray, and I take my meds. I pray and listen to the professionals. I cry out to God during the most difficult of times and I swallow a handful of pills every morning and night, knowing that I’m following the Almighty King of Kings. And if you struggle like my then you should pray to. Pray and take your meds. Speak from your heart and tell The Ultimate Healer what’s going on. Because He is listening, He is right there, He is patient and most of all He loves you.

Love, Randi