Just Keep Swimming

One, two, three, breathe, one two three, breathe…I try and match my breathing with my strokes when I swim. In freestyle this is hard for me. I start out strong but then my breathing starts coming faster than I can move my strokes. I get a little over half a lap in before I have to swim with my head above the water. The thing about swimming without putting one’s head in the water is that it slows you down. In other words it’s bad technique. You move slower when your heads above water and you’re working twice as hard to move yourself down the lane. This is because your body is not rotating like it should through the water. Like I said, it’s bad technique.

My problem with the breathing though is that I don’t have enough stamina to keep my breathing right. I get that half of a lap done and I push off the wall for the second half and when I come up for air after about the second time I can’t do it anymore. I just can’t get my breathing to match up with my strokes so I go back to my old way. My technique gets sloppier quicker too when I have to swim like this. Because I’m wearing myself out twice as fast this way and I start to lose my focus on how I’m moving through the water. I start to forget to pick my elbows up out of the water and I start flailing my arms all over the place. This slows me down even more.  I keep pushing myself though.

When I first started swimming I could only do a half of a lap at a time and you could forget about me even thinking about putting my head under the water. I was winded within a few feet of the wall. But I have kept on pushing myself more and more each time I go and I can now, after 3 months of swimming, I can swim a little over half a lap with my head under the water. (If you can’t tell I’m proud of this accomplishment.)

Now breaststroke. This is something I can do pretty decently. I pull my arms in a semicircle and snap my legs together propelling myself forward and pushing my head and shoulders out of the water and repeat. I breathe in when I push myself up and blow bubbles out of my nose when I am under. Now with this stroke I have a rhythm. I can do 4 laps in a row without once having to swim with my head above the water. In this stroke I have my rhythm and breathing in line. In this stroke I got my groove. Don’t get me wrong I am no professional, my technique would probably make any competition swimmer sick to their stomach but for me this is pretty dang good.

I have said a lot here but I have a purpose. We have to find our rhythm in life. We need to be looking to God and line up our strokes with his breath. When we get our part lined up with God’s we can really get up some momentum. But when we have bad technique, when we get sloppy and start doing things our own way we get winded and things become twice as hard as they should be. When we get out of line with the things of God we just won’t go the distances we are capable of. I’m not saying that when we get lined up with God everything is just going to come to you easily. What I am saying here is that when your strokes, when your efforts, match God’s breathing, His plans, you will go further than you ever imagined.

Oh and don’t compare yourself to others. During my workout I have had quite a few people tell me different ways to improve my technique. And generally, I don’t mind it at all. I look at it as an opportunity to better myself that is when it is people that know what they are talking about.

When a lifeguard or a member of the gym staff offers their help I listen. But when someone in the locker room has something to say I disregard it. That’s because I recognize who is an authority on the subject. The people that make their living from swimming are the people I want to take advice from. And that is the way I try and look at life. When someone who has more wisdom than me talks I listen. When it is someone who has been there and done that and knows what they are talking about then I care about their opinion and thoughts. But I am NOT looking at the person swimming in the lane next to me for advice. That is not to say that they might not know something of significance but it is saying that they are in the same pool as I am. They don’t know anything more than what their experience has given them and I don’t know if their information is reliable or not. What I am saying here is have discernment when you ask for advice and/or guidance.

The last thing I want to say here is your going to be better at different things than others. Just like I am better at breaststroke than freestyle, you may be gifted as a worship leader and me as a teacher (or writer I like to think). That doesn’t mean that we can’t do what the other one is doing, but it does mean that we most certainly won’t go as far as we could if we were operating in our God given calling.

So push forward my friends. Keep pushing hard. I know it’s tough. I know you’re out of breath and your arms and legs are burning from effort but just keep going. You will find your rhythm. You will get lined up with God. You will gather stamina as you keep propelling yourself forward. In the words of my dear friend Dory, “Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming…”

Love, Randi

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Anxiety

She stands paralyzed. A wave has washed over hear. It has dragged her under and she fights her hardest for the surface. She needs oxygen. She fights waving her arms frantically, kicking with all her might, trying her hardest to reach the air. But the harder she fights the more she feels like she’s drowning. Everything inside her tenses as she prepares herself for certain death.

Anxiety. If you have never experienced the horrible sensations of it, then the above illustration is a good idea of what it’s like. I struggle with it to be honest. I go on walking through life and then something happens and its like, BAM! Then the anxiety overwhelms me and threatens to drown me. If you have never experienced it count your blessings. Anxiety is hard to deal with, that’s for sure.

For those of you who have suffered from anxiety you know what it’s like. You know those terrifying moments where you struggle to get a grip on yourself. You know what it’s like to tell someone you are anxious and have them tell you to get over it, or turn to God, or quote some scripture at you about putting all your cares on the Lord. These people mean well and the scriptures are true, of course, but what good do those statements actually do for you? If you are like me, I feel worse after one of those conversations than before they ever even spoke to me. You can feel guilty afterwards, like you’re not serving God as you should, or that you are weak because you are suffering while those around you appear to be fine. I use to let myself feel down when people would make these statements. I use to let their words inside of me and allow myself to suffer more. I had to come to the realization that this wasn’t going to do me any good. Once I got to that point I honestly got a little angry with these people. They would say things like “You have everything going for you, why would you be upset,” or my personal favorite, “There is no reason to feel that way.” If you are going to say things like to these people you are better off just keeping your mouth shut. But like I was saying I use to get angry at these people, but I had to come and realize that they weren’t meaning to hurt my feelings. These people aren't trying to be a hindrance, they are just ignorant people. If you are like me and you struggle sometimes with anxiety, you need to realize that these people truly do mean the best. 

Another thing you need to learn is that it is truly up to you whether or not you let their words hurt you. No one can make you feel a certain way. You are responsible for your emotions and only you. This is a hard thing to get your mind around, I know, I was there too. It is such a habit for me to say “You made me feel bad,” or “You make me so angry.” The truth is that you never made me feel anything. You may have said something and I felt angry at what you said, or I felt hurt by your words, but you did not make me feel anything. And when you realize these things you get your power back. When you realize that you control you, you gain power over your emotions back. I get on people’s nerves sometimes when I correct them in saying that “I didn’t make you feel anything.” Of course when they are angry at me is probably not the best time to say something like that, but hey, no one is perfect.

But back to my point, these people mean well. They just want to help you, but they don’t know what else to say. Sometimes the best thing you can do is tell a loved one what you need from them. Communication is the key in those situations. Instead of just telling someone you’re anxious, how about telling them that you are anxious and you need them to sit with you for a little while until you come down, or whatever you may be needing in that particular moment. You will be surprised how many people would jump at the chance to truly make a difference to you. The truth is that these people more than likely care, they just don’t know how to go about showing it.

If you are one of these people and you don’t know what to do when someone is struggling with anxiety or any other kind of struggle, sometimes the best thing you can do is just ask them what you can do to help. If they don’t know what they need, which can sometimes happen, just offer to sit with them and wait it out. A lot of times for me, just having someone there that cares makes a huge difference.

If you are someone that struggles with anxiety you need to know when to reach out. Sometimes you need to make a phone call and tell someone what is going on; you need to hear a friendly and loving voice. This can help because the thoughts in your head, during these moments are anything but friendly and loving.

There are a few practical things you can find. Try some relaxation breathing. If you don’t know any techniques get on the internet and look some up. There are plenty out there and you can try a few different ones to see what one works best for you. When you slow your breathing down you will calm down. It is physically impossible to be anxious if you slow your breathing down to a resting rate. When you take deep, slow breaths, you are sending a message to the part of your brain that generates anxiety that it is time to calm down. You are taking charge of your body, and not letting your body take charge of you.

Another thing you can try is focusing on what is around you. What do you see? What do you smell? What do you hear, taste and feel? Go through all of your senses and see what you can come up with and once you’re done, do it again. It can really help if you can get yourself focused.

Sometimes the best thing I can do is to go do something I enjoy doing. I love writing, so sometimes I write a poem, or just nonsense stuff. Sometimes I listen to calming music; a good worship mix I keep on my iPod is something I turn to a lot. I go sit with my dogs or read a book and if I can, I will go swimming. Exercise is a great way to clear your mind and get rid of anxiety.

Read some scripture. Pull out your Bible and just start reading. I love reading Psalms when I’m anxious. There is just something about reading David’s words that just calm me down and brighten my day.

And praying is also great. Talk to God and tell Him what is going on. He wants to listen to you. He wants to hear your troubles, God wants to hold you, comfort you, and take away your pain and suffering you just have to be willing to let Him move in your life. Some of my best conversations with God started when I was anxious.

Be willing to reach out to professionals if you need it. There are plenty of capable mental health professionals that can help you out. There are ways to get help even if you don’t have insurance (if you need a connection message me). If you suffer from anxiety frequently and it’s taking a toll on your daily activities then you more than likely need to seek a professional. And seeking professional help in no way makes you weak. When you are willing to admit you have a problem and need help I think you are incredibly strong. God wants to help you and sometimes that help comes in the form of other people.

So my point is there are ways to get past your anxiety. I understand that it’s hard. It’s easy to get stuck in those moments and feel like you won’t ever survive and thrive in your life. But that’s not true. You have the ability to overcome your struggles God has already equipped you with the weapons you need to win this battle. In fact it’s already won! God will never put more on your than you can handle.

Love, Randi

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I am an Eagle

I am an eagle, I fly high, I soar.

If you want to be like me there’s some things you need to learn before.

Before you spread your wings wide and fly high,

Before the very force of gravity you openly defy.

There are some things about me you must be willing to learn.

There are some truths about me you must be willing to discern.

You see, I’m willing to leave those unlike me behind,

I leave the foolish in my wake upon my incline.

Cause’ above the clouds the view is different.

When I reach those new heights there’s no imprisonment.

Soaring up there you won’t find a vulture.

You can’t feed on death; it’s not part my culture.

You won’t find me on the ground eating useless seeds,

I’m not a song bird; myself I know how to feed.

I search the word of God; it’s the source of my life,

But to be this majestic there was a high price.

Christ hung for me so I could rightly be,

Because of Him I soar mighty and high; I truly see.

With God I marvel at my vision.

Through Him I soar high, secure in my mission.

But to operate in this way I must take the time to preen,

Taking care of myself is my daily routine.

When I tower above I know I am fierce,

When I take my place in the sky there’s no interference.

Cause up there I am exactly where I belong,

When I stretch wide I am quick to respond.

Respond to the things God has designed.

When I soar in my place, it’s great, cause’ my destiny is signed.

So do you choose to be foolish, insufficient, dead and feeble?

Or will you soar high with me, for I am an eagle.

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Growing Pains

Being comfortable with who you are, isn’t an overnight event. It is something that takes years to walk in. To be completely honest it is something I have really just started experiencing over the past few months. I have really grown through my writing, these past two months. Up until I started publishing things up here I didn’t really know what to do with all of the thoughts inside of my head. I just mainly kept to myself and was acutely aware of how different I am from everyone else. A trusted friend suggested I start a blog and at first I was opposed to the idea. I didn’t think that anyone would want to read what I had to say. Once again I thought to myself that I am so different no one could possibly be able to relate to my writings. I had lots of things that I had written over the years and saved to my external hard drive and I just kept them to myself. Every once in a while I would share one with a trusted friend but as for the idea of letting the general public read my stuff…well that was a scary idea.

Obviously I finally got up the courage to do it. I just sat down one Saturday afternoon and started putting this blog together. I went through and read almost all of my old writings and picked a few that I was comfortable enough with that I thought I might be able to share. It was hard picking, because as a writer everything you write reveals something about who you are, even if it is fiction it reveals. It was nerve wrecking deciding what I would allow others to see about me…I was very (and sometimes still am) insecure about what other people think about me. I am not someone who has a lot of friends but the ones I do have I care very deeply about them and what they think of me and my accomplishments.

I made the blog live that night and told everyone of Facebook about it. I encouraged comments and waited nervously to see what people’s reactions would be. I wish I could say it was all good. Some people got concerned about my well being. Most of the things I write have a dark edge to them and I discovered that a lot people just don’t know what to do when they come into contact with someone’s darkness. I think it challenged some people’s beliefs. I think differently from the average individual and with making my blog live I was, in a sense, waving a big sign around that showed how different my way of thinking is and a lot of people just don’t know what to do when they come into contact with something so different than what they believe.

After the first 48 hours, or so, of hearing certain people express concerns about me I wanted to take it down. I thought I know I am crazy, but that doesn’t mean I need the entire world to know how crazy I truly am. But as you can see I stuck with it. And then the good comments started coming in. I started getting hits on my newer posts and some people even sent me private messages thanking me for sharing. I started posting on Twitter and Pinterest and that opened it up for even more people to come into contact with my writing. As of this weekend I have gone over 1,000 hits on this blog. I know that for some people this seems like such a small accomplishment, but to me it feels so huge. To me, it means the world.

If this blog reaches one person then I have done my job. If my words touch one heart, if my posts strike up one decent conversation, if my poetry or short stories allow one person find a little light, if this blog helps one person draw closer to God then I have done my job. I don’t care how many people think I am strange, or how many people think I need to go back to the psychiatric hospital, or think that I need to be put back in my place, if this changes one soul then I have done my job! And I know that I have done my job. I know because of your comments and private messages and the conversations I have had with classmates, friends and acquaintances. I know.

I will let you in on a little secret…it’s not really me who writes these things. It’s the God in me. Even the dark stuff is God, because God loves the good and the bad. He accepts me and you for who we are. He does not turn his back on us when we mess up. He does not look the other way when we cry, or curse, or have a relapse, or any of the other wrong things that we manage to do throughout a day. He looks right at all of us and says I love you. The good, the bad and the ugly, He loves it all. And that is what this blog truly is…a labor of love.

On my page the beginning I say to you all that I want to share my light and dark so that you too can find some light. And I believe that this is really what God wants us all as Christians to do. You see when we only share our light we are closing the door to non believers. When all they see are the good things we say and do it leads them to believing that they cannot possibly be good enough to be a Christian. But when we open ourselves up and say “Hey, I have dark in me too,” we are releasing God’s love into the world. Because God loves our dark side just as much as He loves our light side. And I believe that this has been the key to me becoming more comfortable with who I am. For so long I shoved away my dark and showed only my light, but I didn’t make a difference to anyone. All people saw was a goodie-two-shoes evangelical that did nothing wrong. But when I started opening up about who I really am and my struggles, as well as my successes, I started making a difference to people. What I am saying here is, strive for the light but be willing to embrace the dark.

So I am growing every day. And that means that I am on the way to becoming the woman of God I am called to be. But growing means growing pains. You can’t grow without a little pain. So yeah, you’re going to see some darkness on this blog alongside of the light, but just remember I am showing you the love of God. When I post the bad I am really saying, “Hey look, I’m in a bad place right now, but God love me anyways, and He loves you too.”

Thanks for getting me to 1,000 hits. Much love,

Love, Randi

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Exacto Knife

Katherine rocks slowly back and forth in her desk chair. The only sound heard is the creaking of her chair each time she rocks forward. She holds the cool silver Exacto knife between her thumb and middle finger, rolling it back and forth. Time and time again she has picked the blade up, trying to decide if she wants to do it or not. Revisiting the darkest places in her mind she can't decide in darkness or light should win tonight. Her heart is visibly pounding in her chest as she sits there contemplating the possible consequences of her choices. The blade has now taken on her body heat and has warmed between her fingers. Watery blue eyes stare off into space seeing the unknown horrors of her mind. She taps the sharp point of the blade with her finger and it pricks her. Warm red slowly appears and expands. She places the knife on her black wooden desk. Its click seems to finalize her decision. Light will win tonight. What tomorrow hold she does not know but tonight she will not cut.

Time and time again I have sat in my room rocking like this fighting my battle with cutting. In the past I have lost those battle more times than I care to admit too. And it truly is a battle. Anyone who has ever been there knows what I am talking about. You sit there so consumed by your pain...it is unbearable. You want nothing more than an escape. Darkness seems to consume you and the only way you can think of finding your way out of the dark is through red. And when that blade disappears beneath your skin and red blooms in that neat line for a few moments there is quiet. Nothing happens inside your head...and for those few moments you feel at peace with yourself and the world. But it only lasts for a few moments. When the peace fades and your left with those cuts you feel the guilt. You know that what you just did was horrible and you want nothing more than to take back your actions, but you can't. And as the cuts heal and turn into scars you regret what you did with a passion. And the more guilt you feel the more the darkness begins to consume you again and then you are right back where you were, wanting to cut again...wanting to bleed more. The more you do it the more it consumes you. You want nothing more than to escape the pain that your life has become and cut. It is a endless cycle and you get addicted to those few moments of peace you get when you slash open your skin. It's hard to stop once your addicted.
Cutters often times feel things more strongly than the average person. You see it is normal to feel down when you have had a bad day but what a cutter feels at the end of a bad day is much more than feeling a little down. You feel as though nothing will ever go right again and no matter how hard you try there will always be pain, hurt, disappointment, suffering, and more darkness. At the end of a bad day a cutter doesn't know how to get past the pain...we get stuck in that bad day, our thoughts going over and over and over again with the memories and thoughts of that day. And if we have never been taught how to cope with our overwhelming strong emotions we end up isolating ourselves and cutting.
I have been a cutter since I was 13 years old. I am now 25 and I am fighting my hardest to quit. I am learning ways to cope with my overwhelming emotions. I have a list of distraction techniques I go to when I am upset to pull myself out of whatever cycle of negative thinking my brain may be on. I have breathing techniques I use to slow down my heart rate and relieve the anxiety that often drives me to the blade. I have learned a thought diffusion technique that involves me imagining the bad thoughts floating away down a river as though they were leaves. (This probably sounds silly but the key is the imagine them floating away and without judging the thoughts and then to focus on breathing in order to stop them from returning and then you move back into imagining another thought float away.) I have friends, family and professionals that I turn to and they help me when I am in need.
To be honest my biggest problem is not the pain and suffering, it is me. I do not like to admit when I am suffering. I hate going to someone and telling them that I need them. I feel weak and useless when I do this. And I know in my mind that admitting you need help is really a sign of strength but I still have trouble getting my mind around that. I have trouble with my pride.
To all my readers that have struggled with an addiction...whether it be cutting, alcohol or even food...you need to know that there are better ways. You have to be willing to admit you need help. You have to be willing to swallow your pride and seek the help you need. You cannot defeat your addiction on your own...you need help. Admitting you need help is a huge leap toward recovery. When you are willing to admit that you cannot do it on your own you open the door for God to begin his healing work. When you keep it bottled up and try and conquer it on your own you close the door to God's plans for your life. I do not believe that God ever intended us to battle addictions in solitude.
I don't know about you guys but I want to walk in the will of God. I want to experience his plans for my life. That means giving up my old ways and walking in his healing presence. I have to be willing to humble myself and admit I can't do this on my own. And I have to remind myself every day...sometimes several times a day...that I can't fight this battle by myself. I have to turn to God, and turning to God means turning to the people that God has put in my life. It means going to them and telling them I'm having a hard time. It means admitting to them that I can't do this on my own. It means being humble. And I believe that humility is a big step toward healing.

Psalms 149: 4 For the LORD takes pleasure in his people; he adorns the humble with salvation.

Lord, help me to be humble in everyday life. Remind me each day that I am nothing without you and that I can't do this without you. Thank you for the people you have put in my life. I can't fight this battle on my own and I know that you never intended me to. Help me reach out when I am hurting. Help me see your light in my darkness. Thank you for your healing power and thank you that the battle is already won. In your name I pray, Amen.

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Spiritual Warfare

We do not wrestle against flesh and blood,
But oh, it's so hard to ignore the flood,
The flood of people the enemy uses,
It seems they all wind up and try to leave their bruises.
It's true that those attacks always hurt.
You can try and deny it but this truth you can't divert.
The easy thing to do would be to put up walls and lash back,
But when we take that route all we do is fall prey to the enemy's attack.
So by now you must be wondering how to respond?
And when I tell you God's way I know your feelings won't be fond.
To fight back you must move into the realm of spiritual warfare.
When you start this kind of combat you always win, this I declare!
The Word of God is the only weapon you need,
When you pull out God's sword I promise you will succeed!
So next time I find myself in the middle of the battle,
The next time I hear the enemy's evil cackle,
The next time I need to put the devil in his place,
It's the Word of God I will throw in his face!

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