Flashbacks and Boundaries

I learned something new about boundaries the other night. You see, I had a bit of a freak out in class Thursday night. We were cruising along through the lecture when the instructor said something that caused me to have a flashback. My therapist and I had talked about this…that something would eventually come up and I was going to have to learn how to be exposed to triggers without having a reaction. And I’m better at it than I use to be...but this one just caught me off guard. I’m usually so guarded in there so that I can avoid just that. But I had made it to the 6^th week of the course and I guess I got a little too comfortable. So I lost it. I tried to quiet my sobs but I could feel myself getting out of control. I could feel myself shaking and I wanted to leave the classroom but I was paralyzed. I didn’t want to draw attention to myself by leaving in the middle of lecture but in hind sight I was drawing more attention to myself by staying…I mean it is a classroom of 5 people. Finally one of my classmates asked for a break so that she could use the restroom…I highly doubt she really needed to go…I feel as though she was trying to give me an escape…and I took it…fast.

I moved as fast as I could down the hall to an empty classroom and called the emergency line for my therapist. I was shaking all over and crying and at that point. I realized that someone’s stuff was in the classroom, which meant that even though the classroom I was in was empty right then…there was a person that was coming back, so I vacated and looked for another empty room. There was none…all the classrooms were either occupied or locked and I was becoming panicked. Eventually I found a deserted hallway and sat down and sobbed. While I was waiting a complete stranger asked me if I needed anything and I felt embarrassed as I told her no.

Once my therapist called, I had calmed down a little, but I was still distressed. Eventually with his help, I calmed and then I realized that all of my things were in the classroom and I didn’t want to go back in there and face them. I felt so ashamed of myself. I was so embarrassed, so I told my therapist that I didn’t want to go back, that I felt ashamed of myself. He talked me into going back...but first I felt sick. So I got off the phone and went to the bathroom and vomited all the junk food I had been eating during class (nothing like going from a 0 to a 10 in less than a second to upset your stomach). Finally I returned to the classroom and I walked across the room with my eyes down…I didn’t want to look at any of them…I felt so ashamed.

I managed the rest of the class and packed to leave, but before I could get out the door my instructor asked for me to stay behind. I felt anxiety rising as I sat there waiting for the last of my classmates to leave. I stared at the floor and I felt myself shaking again. I fought for control but as soon as she sat down in front of me and asked me about what was going on, I started crying again. I fought hard against the tears as I tried to explain to her with as little information as possible what had happened. She wanted to know if I had someone to talk to, so I told her I was in therapy. She was pleased with that. And then the conversation took a pleasant turn. She began to talk about how I needed to work on boundaries as a professional. She talked about how I needed to be able to hear someone like what I heard that night, without immediately applying it to myself…that this had to be a boundary I could operate under in order to be a successful clinician. She said that she wants to help me with forming this boundary. She said she that it seems like this is an area I am going to have to work hard at and she wants to help me become a successful professional. She said that in the future I would need to approach her after class when things like this come up and we would work through it in order to be on  my way to becoming a successful therapist. I was thrilled with her response to my drama…and really happy she didn’t try to go all therapist on me.

So boundaries are going to be a big obstacle on my way to becoming a successful therapist but I think I can do it...or at least I hope. I got an awesome instructor, a great therapist and psychiatrist and awesome friends and family, so I’m on my way already. Now I just have to face my classmates next week…I’m more than a little anxious about this…but I’m going to face my fears and do it anyways.

Love, Randi