A week ago I forgot my antipsychotic. I was a little
concerned when I realized it the next morning, but as the day went on I felt
like I was in the clear. I mean sure I didn’t sleep much the night before, but
I wasn’t hallucinating or thinking I could fly so I felt like I had dodged a
bullet. And then the next day happened...
There were rats in the ceiling. FREAKING RATS…AT SCHOOL…DURING
CLASS…IN THE CEILING...RATS! I don’t know how long I stared at the ceiling in terror but
eventually I had the notion to look at everyone else and see if they were as
freaked out by all those rats as I was. But they weren’t looking at the ceiling
in horror…they were talking and facing forward, participating in class. Ok, I
told myself. They aren’t there. There’re not there, I told myself. I gripped
the table and rocked and tried to push the noise of all those paws out of my
mind, but the sound was becoming deafening. I got up and went to the bathroom
and focused on slowing my breathing and listening to that ticking app on my
phone that I downloaded on my phone…counting 5 seconds in and 5 seconds out.
When I went back the rats were gone. I thought, ok…I’m good now.
Everything was fine until that night. I was up late and I
came into the kitchen to get something to drink to take my meds before going to
bed. When I entered the kitchen I heard the floorboards creaking but the
creaking wasn’t under my feet so it didn’t make sense that there was so much
creaking. I turned and looked toward the living room and had to double take
what I saw…there was a freaking sink hole in the living room! My entire living
room was sliding down into a kind of vortex looking sink hole. It made no
sense and I told myself immediately it wasn’t real…but I couldn’t help my
curiosity. I laid down on the floor and inched myself toward the sink hole and
tried to stick my hand in it but I couldn’t get my hand to touch it, so I
proceeded to lay on the floor and just stare at this sink hole…it was so weird and I was both scared and mesmerized.
When I got tired I went to bed. In the morning the sink hole was gone. The rest
of the day I was fine.
Then Monday came around and halfway through my therapy session I
was having trouble deciding which one of my therapists I should pay attention
to...because suddenly there were two of him…it was weird and so I spent most of my session
shifting my focus between the nice talking therapist and the mean talking
therapist. I was pretty sure the nice one was the one that was real…but I
couldn’t quit ignore the other one...he was rather persistent...and really mean. After deciding the nice one had to be the real one I managed to tell my therapist towards the end
of the session that there were two of him and that this was why I was having
trouble interacting with him. (I have to give my therapist credit for at least noticing that I wasn't all there while in session.) He thought it was funny and made light of it
and it kind of made me angry because the other one of him was being really ugly
to me...and kind of upsetting me. I told my therapist I didn't think it was funny and he got kind of quite and back off. After session the other one of him followed me around for a few hours after I left the
office talking nasty crap about me and calling me names and just being a general bully but eventually he went away while I was driving to go swim laps. And I’ve been
fine since then.
So I missed one dosage and had three hallucinations…but I
managed not to lose it completely. Needless to say I have been taking that med
on time every day. I have a timer that goes off on my phone at the appropriate
time and then I keep some in a bottle in my purse in case I’m not at home when
I need it. But there was no hiding in my closet, or talking to the voices, or arguing with demons and any of that.
But what surprised me so much was how much it threw me off when
I missed just one dosage. I feel kind of shook up about how big of an effect
missing one dosage had. So my little oops, I forgot moment turned into half a
week’s worth of worrying that I was on the way to the hospital again. Because
that is the very last thing I need. I mean things are starting to turn around.
I should be moving out in a few weeks…a big step in me becoming the adult I
should have been years ago, and I got another contract lined up as a telephone
interviewer starting in July, and oh yeah, I have started earning my masters in
clinical mental health counseling. So even though I had a rough week…hallucinating
and all…things are still looking up. So I hope you all have a great day...and don't forget your meds...
Love, Randi
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