A few weeks ago I had a really rough night. I had a
flashback and it really got to me. I put into play all of my newly learned
coping mechanisms, but nothing seemed to work. I tried endlessly to distract
myself. I put on my favorite music, I tried to read something encouraging, I
tried mindful breathing and trying to allow the thoughts to pass without
judging them, but nothing could calm me down, so I resorted to an old way of
coping…I hid in my closet. I brought my cell phone in there with me and tried
to count my breathes with the ticking clock app I have downloaded on my phone,
but every time I would start to calm down I would get ramped back up. I was getting so worked up that I was starting to hear someone coming
for me…I was in tears and anxious. I surrendered to my last hope and called the
emergency line at my therapist’s office. Here’s the thing, it’s really hard to
explain to an operator what’s going on when you’re sobbing so hard you can’t
speak. I finally managed to get her to understand that I couldn’t calm down.
After that we started the task of her getting my name and matching me to my
therapist so she could page him. That took some doing too. It was late so she
informed me that she would page him and he would call me as soon as he could. I
hung up and sobbed and rocked and waited for my phone to ring. Finally he
called. I don’t really remember much of what was said, what I do remember is
crying. It was those soul wrecking sobs that has snot and tears running down
your face and leaves your eyes swollen halfway shut. I think he tried to talk
to me but I’m guessing he realized that I was past words. Finally he said
probably the kindest and most loving thing I’ve ever been told when I’m in a
state like that. “It’s ok to cry. I’m not going
anywhere.” And he didn’t go anywhere, and I that made the difference. I
cried for a while and he just stayed on the line. It meant a lot to me, it
still does.
You seem most people turn away when they come into contact
with that kind of overwhelming emotion. And who could blame them? I mean if you’ve
ever been to a funeral you know what I mean. It’s really uncomfortable to be
around people who are truly grieving. If you have in a sliver of a soul you
know that there is a heaviness that comes with that kind of pain. So it makes
sense that no one would really want to be around it.
And furthermore, most of us don’t want anyone to see us like
that. I know I most certainly don’t. When I get like that I want to be in my
closet, but I know that staying in there isn’t going to help matters…in fact
I know that if I stay in that state in
my closet then I will most likely end up hurting myself…whether that be through
cutting, pinching or scratching. But my point here is that most of us would
rather no one see us cry. Today’s culture has drilled into us that crying is a
sign of weakness and none of us want to be perceived as weak.
But I’m also coming to realize that most people don’t have
that kind of overwhelming emotional response to things. I get like that more
than I would care to admit. I am getting better about self-soothing, but I do
recognize that it is unusual for someone to be in that state of mind as
frequently as I am. I’m guessing it’s a Borderline Personality Disorder thing.
(They say I have Borderline tendencies.)
So in a world where no one wants to be around that kind of
overwhelming emotion and most of us would never ask for help in that kind of
pain, let alone allow someone to know we are hurting like that, my therapist
stayed with me and supported me in a way that I never thought anyone would. You
see I’m usually the one that sits beside the person who is suffering. I’m the
friend people call when they need to sob, but the few times I have reached out
I have just come into contact with making someone else feel really awkward and
uncomfortable and I don’t want that. But that wasn’t the reaction my therapist
gave me and I couldn’t be more grateful.
So this is a thank you to all of you out there that support
the people you love when they are in pain. For those of us that stay on the
line when all the other person can do is sob. For those of us who know that
sometimes all you can do is just hold their hand. For those of us who know that
sometimes it’s just beyond words. Thank you.
Love, Randi
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