I went to a Sunday morning service at my favorite church
yesterday. It was the first time in a very long time I had gone. It was really
hard and I almost talked myself out of it again. (I’ve been talking myself out
of it for months now.) But I made it and it was really great. I’ll admit when I
first got there and took a seat in the back, my anxiety started getting really
bad. But as the service progressed my anxiety decreased and soon I was enjoying
being in church again.
To be honest, it’s really nothing short of a miracle that I
was there. I’ve been avoiding church for a while now because of some social
anxiety…that and I have a thing about people touching me that makes me uncomfortable.
But the little physical contact I had with people wasn’t as bad as I thought it
would be. (And my therapist is going to have a field day Wednesday when I tell
him that.)
My therapist has been encouraging me for a while to get back
in church. One of my values is a close and personal relation ship with God and
not going to church was in direct violation of my values. My therapist has been
challenging me to be uncomfortable and expose myself to things that make me
anxious. And slowly but surely I have been more and more willing to expose
myself to things that I never thought I would do again. For instance: I have
started going to grocery stores at times that I know they are more crowded, I went to a women's even at my parent's church and
I went with some friends to a mall and even ate in the food court. Another
activity that my therapist has me doing is practicing sitting still for 10+
minutes a day and just let my thoughts come and go. The goal was to work up to
sitting still for a total of ten minutes at a time. When I first did it I
barely made it past a minute. But here I am a few weeks later and I am going
past ten minutes. It’s hard. When I quit moving and get quiet I start to think
about dark things and it makes me anxious and upset. But I kept pushing myself
and it’s slowly but surely getting easier to manage my emotions and thoughts.
So, I’m making progress. I eventually want to get to a point
where I can attend grad school and NOT get kicked out again. It’s gonna take a
while to get to that place but I know that I’m definitely on the right path.
Love, Randi
