No One Will Rescue Me

No one will rescue me. There’s a voice inside of me that keeps whispering it to my soul, and the pain just deepens with each stab of those words. Ever since Monday during therapy, I have heard these words being repeated inside of me. My therapist and I were talking about an incident in class a week or so ago, were I had a flashback in response to something that was said during class discussion. I had been frustrated prior to the flashback because I felt like the instructor kept talking over me, and my therapist was saying that perhaps the fact that I was already emotional made me more susceptible to the trigger. I disagreed because I felt like the trigger was so unexpected and sharp that I would have had a flashback no matter what. But in my attempt to disagree with my therapist I tried to talk about what the instructor had said. This didn’t go well. I honestly can’t even type up here about it, but sitting there in the safety of my therapist’s office I time traveled and it was bad. In that moment of terror I completely lost myself to the past and whimpered for help. “Help me. Please, help me.” I could hear my therapist trying to get me to focus on the present and I eventually managed to do so and came back to the moment. But ever since then there has been an ache inside of me. It’s like I realized that no one did rescue me, no one ever will and I just have to live with that. And it hurts

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So I distract myself with Netflix and Amazon Prime. I read my textbooks and watch YouTube. I surf Pinterest and scroll the newsfeed on Facebook. Anything to draw attention away from that dull pain in my chest. I will keep moving forward. That’s all I can do at this point. I try not to dwell on it…dwelling on the past won’t change it. But I think a part of me broke in the flashback. I think the pain went a little deeper than the usual and I don’t know what to do about it. I’m not really sure there is anything that can be done about it. I think only time will ease this pain. And so I’ll wait, I’ll let time pass and I’ll ignore the pain…I’m good at that after all,

Love, Randi