So if your here then you know I struggle with my mental health at times. And for the longest time I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. However a few years ago my diagnosis changed. And I honestly don't put much weight on a change in diagnosis but I thought that some of you might would find it interesting. So, my latest diagnosis is Schizoaffective Disorder Bipolar type.
There are two types of Schizoaffective disorder: Bipolar type and Depressive type. I just happen to have Bipolar type. The easiest way to explain what this is...if you don't wanna go look it up...is that it's kinda like have Bipolar disorder and Schizophrenia.
My disorder is relatively under control with medication and therapy. I have some breakthrough symptoms that I live with because I would rather live with them and not be a zombie, than live without them and walk around like I'm not all there. My breakthrough symptoms are mild for the most part. I have anxiety at varying levels and I am pretty much always paranoid. I feel like I'm being watched basically on a constant basis and when I drive I feel like I'm being followed a lot of the time. Occasionally I will have a visual hallucination like seeing someone looking at me through a window but for the most part I can tell it's just my brain playing tricks on me.
Now if I become unstable I am generally a danger to myself. I typically end up with a mixed episode with psychosis. I end up not sleeping at all or sleeping very little with a ton of energy and racing thoughts. But the thoughts are dark and generally accompanied with voices in and out of my head and visual hallucinations to go along with those auditory ones. I become suicidal and have anxiety through the roof. If it goes on long enough I start to have trouble talking...or at least making sense talking. I will say that I can only recall two occasions when I was a danger to others and both times it was because of the voices that I was hearing.
To me the voices are the worst symptom to handle. But I have, over the years, found ways to...turn down the volume. The best way is reading. In fact generally speaking when I get to the point where I can't control the voices and I have to go to the hospital because I am that unstable I take a stack of books with me to read cause I know that it's gonna get worse before it gets better. So when I'm in the hospital and not being forced into group therapy, I can be found reading somewhere in an attempt not to start screaming for the voices to "shut up."
But for the most part my awesome support team is good at catching my symptoms before I get to the point of needing to be hospitalized. In fact I haven't been in the hospital since November of 2018, and that is nothing but God...God and Him putting the right people in my life at the right time. I've had to close calls but my awesome family, friends and providers jumped to my aid and got me stable before hospitalization was needed.
So, this is just a peek into my life. I have some breakthrough symptoms that can make me jumpy and a bit awkward but I'll take jumpy and awkward over severely mentally ill or walking around like a zombie any ole day. And I've been both of those so I know what I'm talking about.
Thank you Lord for getting me here and thank you Lord for my family, friends and providers. Without them I don't know where I would be.
