Pity Parties

I wish I could explain to you guys how things are for me. I overreact…a lot. The stupid thing is that I can hear myself doing it, but I have no ability, whatsoever, to stop myself. I know everyone gets upset when things don’t go as they should, but does everyone end up crying on and off for several hours, lashing out at others, yelling at people who are just trying to understand and being rude to people who are just trying to help? I don’t think so…but that’s what I always do. So once I finally calm down, I spend the next 24 hours apologizing to everyone, because I know I was just overacting.

I turn 26 this year and that means daddy’s healthcare coverage gives me the boot. For a normal 26 year old this would mean you have to decide if you want to just pay the onetime fee from the government or sign up for some cheap healthcare coverage so that you have it for a “just-in-case” scenario. I had a complete meltdown the other day when I realized that this is not the case for me. I have to have insurance, period. Without healthcare I can’t afford my medications and I can’t afford any of my doctors, which includes my mental health physicians and my knee, foot and nerve doctors. So without insurance my life would most likely come to an abrupt halt, maybe not a suicide ending, but I would most certainly be in a hospital somewhere. When I realized that this isn’t something a “normal” 26 year old would have to worry about I added another crying session into my day. I was having a big pity part for myself.

I have these moments of breakdown whenever something comes to my attention that makes me realize how difficult life is/will be because of having bipolar disorder (and other conditions). Like when I mentioned to someone about having to leave work because of a panic attack and the individual made a comment that suggested that this wasn't a good reason to have to leave work. I wanted to scream at this person that they should try working like that! You try and work when you can’t breathe, are shaking, crying and vomiting while trying to hide in a stall in the bathroom long enough to gather yourself to leave the building so you can fall completely apart in the safety of your car. It doesn’t work like that. And I tried self-soothing, but I couldn’t get a grip on myself. There was one time when it happened that I did manage to calm myself, but that time it didn’t happen…so I had to leave work with a tear streaked face, lips pressed together, focusing on the door because if I started to think about how much attention my appearance was drawing to me, I was going to lose it again. So mentioned this and this person just doesn’t understand, so I am left feeling like a completely useless young adult and once again I realize I will never get to be like all the other 20-somethings out there.

My personal favorite meltdown was when I realized that I wouldn’t get to go ice skating ever again. You see with the nerve damage in my leg I can’t lift my foot, therefore there will be no strapping on skates in my future. And I feel foolish for admitting this, but I always had it in my head that I would find a guy and we would get to be one of those cheesy couples that holds hands and skates around the rink, while freezing our asses off and I realized that I wouldn’t ever get that and I sobbed into my pillow for the better part of an hour over it.

Or when I realized that I didn’t need to be living with a roommate anymore. Not a roommate as in someone you share an apartment with, but a roommate as in someone that sleeps in the same room as I do. You see, I overreact as it is and when I am overreacting and mentally unstable it can be a volatile situation. Just ask my old college roommate who told our RA and RD that she was afraid of me…and to be honest she needed to be afraid of me…I wanted to do very awful things to her and I came close to doing some of them too There was one instance when she stopped sleeping in the room (in hindsight, the fact that she stopped sleeping in a room with me was proof that she wasn’t as dumb as I thought she was). I love her now, but back then I…well I wanted her dead. So yeah…when my meds aren’t right…I can be a little on the homicidal side of things. I know now that if we had, had separate rooms it wouldn’t have gotten as ugly as it did because I would have had a place to escape and calm down, but having to share a room with her and me not being mentally stable…well it wasn’t pretty…you can ask her if you don’t believe me.

So I have had my fair share of pity parties. But the truth is no one’s life turns out the way they hoped it would have. I got a friend that thought she would have a career working with computers, now she’s going to school to be a nurse. I got one friend that wanted to have graduated 3 years ago and be teaching by now, but life has made some turns and she is having to live with her mom right now. All of these people have had their pity parties over the hands they have been dealt One of them, God had a different idea for her life, the other God wants her in a different place for this season of her life and me…well I’m still figuring it out. I don’t know why I’ve been dealt this hand. I couldn’t tell you why I became bipolar my second year at Emmanuel, or why I started having psychotic features when I went to Lee or why I injured my knee, but I have to keep hoping there is a reason.

So when I figure it out I will let you guys know, but for now I’m just trying to learn to self-soothe. I’m trying to remember that I need to breathe and not strangle the person talking. I’m trying to remember that no one has it all together and that in places where I have it together other people struggle, and the opposite holds true as well. So I guess what I’m saying here as that we are all trying to figure it out, we are all playing it by ear and we are all flying by the seat of our pants on this journey called life.

Love, Randi

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Take a Breath

It doesn’t take much…just mention the wrong thing and I’m living my nightmares all over again. It’s like this wave passes through me and for a second I can’t breathe. But the second then the second is over and I’m panting, I start fidgeting with my hands and rocking back and forth. I try to make myself sit still because I know if someone sees me looking like this, I will get some funny looks. I know I look ridiculous too. Once I intentionally looked at myself in a mirror when I felt like that; my eyes were wide and staring and even though I was looking at myself, I could see myself experience a faux reality. If I can’t calm down I start shaking…when I start to shake it’s getting bad. It feels like I’m suffocating and I start to get dizzy then. The other day I started seeing spots and I knew I had to get out of the situation I was in because I was getting ready to pass out. Luckily I managed to get myself away and sit for a while and calm my breathing.

Breathing. I’m so freaking tired of hearing about breathing! My therapist tells me all the time that if I can calm my breathing, then I can shut down that panic part of my brain, that it’s actually impossible to be anxious when you’re breathing slowly, deeply and steadily. The funny thing is I know he’s right…I mean I’ve actually studied this in school, I know how that part of the brain works, and then I have him barking it at me every time I see him and I know he’s right, but in that moment it’s the hardest thing in the world to remember.

It’s amazing how hard it is to breathe right. It’s also amazing how many activities require appropriate breathing techniques. I remember my first marching band camp were we actually spent an entire hour (possibly more) learning to breathe right. It’s awe inspiring when a little 40 member marching band can sound like a 100 plus member band, and it all comes down to breathing. I can’t help but smile when I remember placing my hand on my stomach and focusing on breathing from my diaphragm. When you take a good breathe your shoulders don’t move, your stomach moves. When I started swimming it was difficult to swim with my head in the water because I couldn’t regulate my breathing good enough to match my strokes with my breathing, but with some practice I’ve got it down pretty good. And now I’m back at anxiety…how when you can manage to take a deep breath and let it out slowly, the way your neurons are firing in that particular part of your brain start to change, and the longer you manage that deep steady breathing, the calmer you will get.

I’m not an expert…I need to practice. I know that sounds stupid to some of you, but I don’t really think it is. If I expect myself to be able to go on auto drive with slow steady breathing the moment anxiety hits, I got to learn to breathe like that when I’m calm…I got to learn to relax when I’m already at ease.

Here’s the thing about me that I’ve learned over the past few days: I’m rarely at ease. I’m constantly on edge, watching and waiting for the next wave of anxiety and because of always being on the edge I’m constantly operating at some sort of level of anxiety. This is a ridiculous way to live, obviously, and it’s something I’ve decided I need to work on.

Here’s what it’s like for me. I’m always stretching because there is always tension in my muscles. I am constantly trying to pop some sort of joint on me, in an attempt to loosen it up. Right now for instance, I just popped my neck and back because I got uncomfortable. Part of my problem is that I have a ridiculously large amount of triggers. To name a few: spearmint, sawdust mixed with fresh paint, certain men’s colognes, a door unexpectedly snapping shut, certain names, almost all physical touch and anyone approaching me with my back to them, all of these things can cause me to freak out. These things can cause me to freak out even if I’m with people I trust. One time me and my best friend were in a store and my dress was hung on my purse so she came up behind me and pulled it down. I spun around quickly and was a millisecond away from punching her when she jumped back and I caught myself. She got all wide eyed and told me she thought I was going to hit her, and the truth is that I almost did. This is just one example of how I can be.

I’m not going to lie to you and tell you that I’m doing great with it. My therapist tells me the best thing I could do is expose myself to my triggers, but I would rather punch him in the face than willingly expose myself to any of these things and to be honest, I think about punching him in the face every time he tells me he’s happy that I got exposed to something that caused me to freak out. Seriously…I want to punch him when he says that. But as much as I love imagining his nose gushing with blood I know he’s right...and I’m getting there. I’m not strong enough now, but I’m hoping I will be one day.

So I’m learning to breathe. I’m learning to feel my lungs full, feel my chest expand and my stomach inflate and release it all, not just the air but all the fears and waves of panic that course through me. I’m learning to breathe.

Love, Randi

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Rollercoaster

The fiercest flame could not burn hotter than the anger that courses through me.

At the tiniest instigation it ignites and engulfs everything in arms reach.

The loudest thunderstorm could not cause more destruction than my furry.

At smallest turn I will blow and crash upon the unsuspecting shore of the loneliest island.

I will destroy everything in my path and leave nothing for my future when my powerful rage takes root.

The brightest sun could not heat the cold sorrow that consumes my heart.

As the light heats everything around me, my soul will remain forever of frozen stone.

The purest laugh could not bring a smile to my broken core.

At the smallest hint of joy, all air will be sucked from my lungs, suffocating me in my darkest hour.

I will destroy everything in my path and leave nothing for my future when that familiar pain takes root.

Not the coldest wind could chill my heated passion.

As the ground freezes around me, I remain crazily fixed in my pleasure.

Not the longest blizzard this world has ever seen could stop my fun.

As those around me freeze in their death, I blaze forward eyes alight with the delight of this world.

I will destroy everything in my path and leave nothing for my future when that familiar joy takes root.

Not the most horrific thing, could change the desire that blooms inside me.

As others turn away in horror, I move forward with a passion that could lift a bus.

Not the strangest request could tame the fire that has traveled through my being.

As everyone else turns away, repulsed, I push forward with carnal desire that could consume you all.

I will destroy everything in my path and leave nothing for my future when that familiar desire takes root.

There is no in between when it comes to who I am.

As others find the balance in life, I feel strongly one thing at a time.

I am consumed by the moment to moment rollercoaster that is life.

When I go up, there is no down, when I go down there is no up.

I will destroy everything in my path and leave nothing for my future when those familiar emotions take root.

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