Addie
can’t breathe. She pulls away from her boyfriend’s loving lips and gasps for
air. Tears spring forward in her clear blue eyes as she turns away. Not again
she thinks to herself.
“Addie, what’s going on? What did I do? I’m so sorry,”
Marcus says. He steps back from her, trying to give her some space in the messy
dorm room.
She slowly turns back to him and glances up to his concerned,
hazel eyes. His brow is furrowed in frustration and he moves to touch her arm.
Addie takes an involuntary step back and looks at her black sneakers.
“I’m sorry,” she says wiping tears from her cheeks.
“It’s ok, just tell me what I did,” Marcus says.
“It’s not you. I’m sorry. You’re great. I just…I just
can’t…I’m sorry,” she says shifting her weight back and forth on her feet
uncomfortably.
Marcus sighs and runs his finger through his wavy
blonde hair. He reaches in his dark wash jeans pocket and pulls out his cell
phone and glances at it.
“Look, I need to go. Are you gonna be ok?” he asks.
“Yeah, I’ll be fine,” she says glancing at him again.
“I need to pack for my family’s trip this weekend anyways,” she says rolling
and her eyes and wrinkling her nose as if she’s smelled something unpleasant.
“What’s that look about?” he asks.
“They’re all so annoying. They just talk all the time
and are so fake and cheery. And I have this stupid long car ride with my dad
and stepmom.”
“What’s wrong with that?” he asks.
“Marie just talks nonstop and dad refuses to stand up
for himself, or me for that matter. And I’m going to be stuck in that stupid
SUV with them,” she says.
“Well, just try and find something positive to focus
on, Ok?” Marcus asks.
“I’ll try,” she says sighing.
Marcus leans in to kiss her goodbye on the cheek, but
she pulls away. He looks at her, sighs, shakes his head and then shrugs.
“Bye,” he says looking sad and walks out of her dorm
room.
Addie glances around the mess that is her room. With a
heavy heart she thinks about Marcus. He is such a good guy she thinks, as she
kicks at some of the dirty clothes on the floor. She looks to her messy desk
and sees the white rose that he gave her last week. She walks over and touches
the wilted petals. I wish I had taken the time to put it in water. I’m such a
horrible girlfriend that I didn’t even bother to take care of a rose, she
thinks to herself.
She sighs, pushing the negative thoughts away and
starts sorting through clothes to carry with her for the weekend. She throws
enough clothes into the bag for a weekend and grabs her shower caddy. She shoves
it all into a black duffle, and swings the bag over her shoulder, grabs her
keys and cell phone off her messy desk and walks out of the dorm.
Addie
jumps into the back seat of her dad’s black SUV and mumbles her hellos while
settling into the tan leather interior.
“Hey sweetie,” he dad says
giving her a small smile and then he turns his broad shoulders back to the
front returning his attention to the wheel. Addie rolls her eye, folds her arms
across her chest and slumps down into the seat.
Her step mom turns her brunette head around, looking
at Addie with her sharp green eyes.
“How’s school?” Marie asks. She’s a petite woman, and
you can see her crooked teeth as she smiles at Addie waiting for her response.
“Fine,” Addie says.
Marie rolls her eyes, sighs and continues. “And how’s
the boyfriend?”
“Fine,” Addie says.
“What is he doing this weekend?”
“Whatever.”
“Whatever is not an answer, Addie! Why do you always
seem so short with me?” asks Marie.
“I’m not,” Addie says.
“Yes you are. Jesus Christ you’re so frustrating. I
don’t know what I ever did to you. Ever since freaking puberty you’ve been
short and irritable all the time. Never speaking or talking to anyone. You
always act like you think the world is all doom and gloom. All I want to do is
have one decent conversation…”
Of course dad doesn’t have anything to say. Once again
he refuses to stand up for her as Marie starts in on her. Just because I don’t
want to give you all the details of my life doesn’t mean I’m being short, she
thinks to herself.
Addie doesn’t hear her stepmom anymore. She tunes her
out as they hit the freeway. Her mind begins to drift toward earlier in the day.
Every time things start to get a little intimate with Marcus, Drake Tyler, her
old children’s church teacher, shows up in her mind.
She shifts her weight uncomfortably and leans against
the door, placing her cheek on the cool window, trying to push away the bad
memories.
“Addie? Addie? Addie!” her father’s voice catches her
attention.
“You want a peppermint?” he asks.
She looks up at his kind face. Addie has his dark
hair, minus the bald spot that has formed on top of his head. He is slim and
has a kind face of the same clear blue eyes as Addie, and in this way they look
a lot alike. He could trim his beard she thinks to herself; it’s starting to
make him look homeless.
“No,” she says. The very thought of peppermint makes
her stomach clench and reminds her of Drake Tyler again. Her throat tightens as
she remembers the feel of his hand on her face as he would push her hair behind
her ears. She shakes her head in an attempt to get rid of the thoughts.
Her dad pops a peppermint in his mouth and the smell
fills the vehicle. He turns up the radio and starts singing along to some
classic rock song Addie doesn’t recognize.
She grips the edge of the seat tight and fights the
images with all her might, but despite her efforts the memories take her over.
“Hurry up Addie, I have a special surprise gift for
you today,” says Drake Tyler.
Addie’s 7 year old frame sits in the back of the
children’s church room coloring a picture of Noah’s ark. She glances up at Mr.
Tyler. He looks handsome to her.
“Sorry,” says
Addie.
Addie scribbles faster, the table creaking from her
effort. Drake Tyler is watching her color with a big smile on his face. He taps
his brown dress shoes on the floor as he waits impatiently for Addie to finish.
“Done,” she says, smiling.
“Bring it here so I can put it up on the board with
everyone else’s,” he says smiling back at her.
She moves quickly across the classroom, hands him her
colored ark and he pins it up on the classroom bulletin board. He turns to
Addie and smiles a big welcoming grin and gives her a big bear hug. She squeezes
back tight burying her face in his red polo shirt.
“Are you ready for your surprise?” asks Mr. Tyler,
letting go of Addie and placing his hands on his shoulders.
“Yes!”
“Ok, come and sit here while I go get it,” says Mr.
Tyler, gesturing toward the chair closest to him.
Addie sprints over to the worn black wooden table and
pulls out a silver metal chair. Instead of sitting on the cold metal, she
climbs onto the chair and plants her bottom on the black wooden table. She
swings her legs impatiently while Mr. Tyler is bent into the supply closet.
“Close your eyes,” he says.
Addie closes her eyes tight, grinning wide with
anticipation.
“Ok,” he says.
He holds out a pink elephant. She reaches out her hand
toward the fluffy overstuffed animal, but he pulls it out of reach, grinning at
her.
“You have to promise me you will take very special
care of it, Ok Addie?”
“You know I will,” says Addie her eyes on the
elephant. He hands it over and squeezes it tight to her chest and buries her
face in it. She breathes in deeply and smells the freshness of a new toy.
“Thank you very much,” she says smiling up at him. He
plops down on the chair in front of Addie, sighs, places his hands on his khaki
pants and looks up at her.
“You know you’re very special to me, right Addie?” he
asks, leaning forward slightly.
“Yes, I know. You tell me that all the time,” she says
giggling a little.
“I mean it sweetheart. You’re a very special little
girl. You’re beautiful too. You are going to make some man very happy one day,”
he tells her. He reaches up and pushes her hair behind her ear and strokes her
cheek gently.
Her heart flutters. Addie thinks briefly of her dad
and how busy he always is with work and how he is always leaving her at home
with that witch, Marie. They are always too busy to come to church with her. She
wants to badly to tell Mr. Tyler how much she loves him and how badly she
wishes that he were her daddy.
“Thank you,” she says, deciding against telling him.
Addie
slams her duffle bag down on the bed closest to the window in her hotel room and
looks around at the dingy room. Portraits of landscapes hang on the dirty white
walls.
Addie plops down in a moist smelling, stuffed green
chair in the corner next to the sliding glass door that leads onto the balcony.
Three of her cousins start piling into the room. Figures I would be stuck with
these three, she thinks to herself.
“Hey Addie, you wanna go swimming with us?” Amber asks
glancing casually as her, as she lifts her suitcase onto the bed.
“No. I didn’t bring a swimsuit,” Addie says. Not that
I would go anyways, she thinks to herself.
“Why wouldn’t you? You should have known there was
going to be a pool. There’s always a pool.” Amanda chimes in rolling her eyes.
The other two stifle giggles, as they look at Addie.
“I just didn’t,” Addie says rolling her eyes too and
turning her back on them. They are so irritating with their curvy figures,
puppy dog eyes and big boobs.
“Whatever,” Amelia says, giving Addie a smug look.
The girls exchange looks and start changing into their
suites. They whisper amongst themselves, occasionally giving Addie curious
glances.
After they change they say bye to Addie, and head out
the door.
As soon as the door clicks, Addie plops down on the
bed and pushes herself up, so that her back is against the headboard. She pulls
her cell phone out of her pocket and dials Marcus. He picks up on the third
ring.
“Hey,” he says.
“Hey,” she says, trying to hide to sadness in her
voice. “So what are you doing?”
“Nothing. What about you?”
“Nothing,” she says and a silence settles onto the
phone.
“Addie, what’s going on,” he asks, concern in his
voice.
Addie fights tears, as she thinks about how much
better he deserves.
“Why do you keep pulling away from me?” he asks.
“I’m sorry,” she says, her voice cracking a little as
tears begin to fall. He deserves so much better than me, she thinks. He
deserves someone who can be close to him without falling apart.
“Addie, no, don’t cry,” he pleads.
“I’m sorry,” she says. “I’m so, so sorry.”
“Addie, what’s going on?”
“I don’t want to go out with you anymore,” she says,
taking herself by surprise a little, Tears fall more rapidly down her face and
she sobs a little as she realizes she’s doing the right thing.
“What? Addie. No. What’s going on? Addie?”
Addie hits the end button on her phone, picks up the
pillow next to her, buries her head in it and sobs loudly.
Addie wakes before her cousins Sunday morning after
the family reunion.
She gets up out of the bed, careful not to wake anyone
up, and sneaks out onto the balcony of the hotel room. She sits down in one of
the white plastic chairs and looks up to the sky. The sun is bright and
shinning, and even though it’s only 8:30 in the morning, it’s already hot out. Despite
the beauty of the day her heart aches.
Yesterday passed in a blur. Most of her family was
there. The little kids where all laughing and playing football in the park, and
the adults smiled and talked to one another, catching up on a year’s worth of
gossip. Addie kept to herself mostly. She said hi to the few people that came
to her spot, under a shady oak tree, but no one really stayed to chat. Addie
just sat there, and watched and listened to music on her iPod.
The entire day yesterday at the reunion, the only
thing she could think about was that stupid church and Drake Tyler. Images of
what he did floated through her mind the entire day in the park.
I can’t keep living like this. I have to move past
this. I can’t keep letting what he did to me affect me like this, she thinks to
herself.
Suddenly an idea occurs to her. Addie she jumps up and
goes back into the hotel room.
She quickly and quietly dresses, grabs her wallet,
room key and cell phone and heads out the door. She carefully closes the door,
as to not wake anyone up and heads for her dad and stepmom’s room. She knocks
softly, willing her dad to already be awake. She waits for a few seconds,
knocks again. She sways from foot to foot, impatiently while waiting for
someone to answer. She glances at her cell phone and sees it’s already 9:20.
She has to hurry if she is going to get there on time.
Finally the door opens and her sleepy eyed father
looks at her. He’s in sweatpants and a t-shirt, and still has sleep in his
eyes. He is looking at Addie with groggy-eyed confusion.
“What is it, Addie?” he asks, while stifling a yawn.
“I want to go to church,” she tells him quickly.
“Church?” he asks. The sleep vanished from his eyes,
as he examines his daughter.
“Am…Really? I was under the impression that you hated
church,” he says, eying her with suspicion.
“It’s not that I hate church, dad,” she says, still
swaying with impatience. “It’s just that I don’t know of many churches where I
feel…comfortable.” Well, this is at least a half truth, she thinks to herself.
“What church?” he asks sighing.
“The one that’s across the street from our old house;
the one I use to go to when I was a kid,” she tells him quickly. I have to
hurry she thinks.
“Well…I guess that is ok,” he says, tilting his head
to one side. “How are you getting there?” he asks.
“Am…I kind of wanted to borrow the SUV,” she says,
putting on the most innocent expression she can muster.
“Addie, you know what happened the last time you drove
one of my vehicles. I’m still paying the bill on the damage to the mustang,” he
says looking agitated.
“Please.”
He rolls his eyes in frustration. “I guess that’s
fine,” he says. “You best not wreck it,” he says.
“I won’t,” she says, holding up her right hand as
though taking an oath.
“Ok. Let me get the keys.” He walks back into the hotel
room, carefully letting tan door close. She stares at the black numbers on the
door and sighs. This has got to be the worst idea ever, she thinks to herself.
I just need to go back to my room, pretend to be asleep and get up with
everyone else.
Just before she turns around, her father emerges
holding out his keys. “Be careful,” he tells her.
As Addie looks up at the heavy wooden doors of her old
church, she suddenly can’t breathe and turns around. She watches her black
sneakers as she moves quickly away from the church. She heads toward the back
of the parking lot, the gravel crunching under her swift moving feet, and hides
herself between her dad’s SUV, and a tall oak tree.
I can do this she tells herself. I can face this. It’s
just a church; it’s just a simple country church she thinks, shaking her hands
like she is trying to throw something off of them. She peeks around the back of
the SUV to get a glimpse of the church again.
It’s an old fashioned red brick church with a tall
white steeple. There are what use to be white rose bushes on either side of the
gray cement steps. Now they are just a tangled mess of branches and thorns,
with no blooms or buds.
She scans the people standing outside and her heart
nearly stops. It’s him, Drake Tyler. He’s still here, at this church.
Addie whips her head back around the vehicle, and
slides down to the ground. I thought he didn’t go here anymore, she thinks to
herself. I remember hearing that he moved, she thinks gasping for air, as she
begins to shake.
She bends her knees and folds her arms on top of them,
and places her head on top of her arms. Her heart races faster and faster, and
even though she fights with all of her might, a flashback takes her over…
“You know Addie, if I had a daughter I think she would
be a lot like you,” Drake Tyler says, pulling his metal chair up closer to the
table.
“I wish sometimes you were my daddy,” she tells him
bravely.
“That’s great
Addie, it really is” he says and places his hand on her bare knee. “It means a
lot to me that you feel that way.” He uses him thumb to stroke circles on her
pale white skin. “I mean, I love you a lot. And I think you’re a beautiful and
special little girl,” he says, scooting his chair even closer. “Do you love me
Addie?” he asks.
“Yes,” she
says, her heart pounding uncomfortably.
“A lot?” he asks. He slides his hand up her knee
slowly and gently, as he speaks.
“Yes, a lot,” she whispers.
“That’s good Addie. I love you a lot and I would
really like to show you how much I love you. Would it be ok if I show you just
how much I love you?" he asks, his hand disappears under her pink polka
dotted dress.
“Because when two people love one another they show it,
right?” he asks her, sliding his hand further up.
Addie nods in agreement, as tears fall down her face.
“It’s ok, Addie,” he says, using his other hand to
wipe the tears that have started falling down her cheeks.
“I’m not going to hurt you. I promise,” he says. He
pushes her dark hair behind her ear gently, and strokes her face for a moment.
He traces her lips with his thumb, and Addie’s stomach clenches.
“This is
wrong,” she whispers, shaking.
Drake Tyler pauses for a minute, and looks up into her
scared eyes. “You said you love me Addie. And you agreed that when two people
love one another, they show it. Right?” he asks.
Addie nods.
“That’s right,” he says. “So, sweetheart, I wanna show
you how much I love you. Is that Ok?
Addie feels trapped by her own words. She can’t think
of anything else to say, so she nods.
Addie cries silently, as he does his terrible deed.
Addie fights to control herself, from her position on
the ground, next to the SUV.
Breathe, she tells herself. She tries to breathe in
deeply, and releases a shaky breath. She takes a few more deep breaths, each
time becoming steadier.
I need to turn back, she thinks. I can’t sit through
this service with him here. He’s going to recognize me. What if he comes up to
me?
Addie stands, brushing her jeans off and pulls her
dad’s keys out of her pocket. She glances around the SUV again, and sees that
he is nowhere in sight. She puts the keys in the door to unlock it, but stops to
glance back at the front entrance of the church.
She takes another deep breath and tells herself, I can
do this. He can’t hurt me in front of all of these people.
She takes one more deep breath, and starts moving
toward the church. Addie looks at her feet, as she walks back toward the front
of the church. As she draws closer to the sanctuary, she glances at the dead
rosebushes on both sides of the church.
Her heart pounds heavily, as she mounts the steps and
gets ready to walk through the heavy wooden doors.
A rude elderly lady, in a pastel pink pant suit, who
is obviously in a hurry, pushes past her. Before she can get annoyed, the smell
of peppermint surrounds Addie.
Addie freezes on the steps. She grips the warm iron railing,
her knuckles turning white from the effort of holding steady, and fights to
breathe. Panic wells up inside of her, and it takes everything she has to take
her next step.
She pushes through the heavy wooden doors, and slowly
moves forward staring at her feet. As she shuffles forward on the red carpet,
she smells the familiar orange wood polish that the church has always used to
shine their pews. She moves toward the back left pew, and sits down on the end.
She scans the room hurriedly, trying to locate Drake
Tyler, but doesn’t see him.
Once she realizes he isn’t in here she takes the time
to look around. Nothing has changed in the 12 years that have passed since she
was last here. The walls are still the horrible, off-white crème color. The
same brown wooden pulpit, with a wooden cross carved into it, is still on the
middle of the stage. There is still an American flag, state flag and Christian
flag pinned on the wall behind the stage. Black metal risers are on the stage
behind the pulpit for the choir to stand on during worship time. And the same old
black upright piano is off to the right side of the stage.
The age of the congregations shows, but outside of
that, they are all the same as they were the last time she was here. The women
look as though they popped out of the 80’s and the men are dressed on what
looks like the same gray or black suites Addie was use to seeing here as a
child. A few familiar faces wave and smile at her as she looks around.
Someone clears their throat startling Addie.
“Hi! Welcome this morning. I think I remember you from
years ago…you’re little Miss Addie aren’t you?” says an elderly man, with his
right hand extended to shake her hand. She looks up at him, and recognizes him
immediately as the old pastor.
“Yes, I am, and thank you,” she says shaking his hand.
He has a sweet sort of look about him. He is very short, and his gentle smile
reaches up to his warm gray eyes. He is wearing a neatly pressed gray suite
with a burgundy tie, and white button up shirt. His black dress shoes are so
shiny you can see the room reflected in them. His presence is soothing to Addie.
“We are so glad you came to be with us this morning. Do
you remember me, Pastor Mark?” he asks in his deep warm voice.
“Yes,” she says quickly, smiling.
“Well, it’s very nice to see you again. May I ask what
brings you here today?” he says.
Addie’s heart flutters as she thinks quickly to come
up with a story. She can’t very well tell him that she’s trying to face the
horrible memories of this place without telling him the entire story.
“I was just driving by my dad’s old house the other
day, you know we use to live across the street, and I just thought why not, for
old time’s sake,” she says, shrugging.
“That’s great,” he says, returning her smile. “I hope
you enjoy the service, and come back to see us anytime. He walks away, glancing
around the room in search of someone else to greet.
He is really is a sweet man, she thinks to herself,
watching him move around the room, shaking people’s hands. I wish he would come
back and keep talking to me.
Addie starts to feel anxious again as she turns around
to face the front and wait for the service to start.
Finally the piano starts up. The choir marches in,
with their white and gold flowing robes, and the congregation rises for
worship. The choir starts signing horribly out of tune about a “Good Ole Gospel
Ship.” The congregation chimes in, their voices just as horrible as the choirs.
The worship set goes over smoothly, with the choir singing “I’ll Fly Away” and
then “Beulah Land.”
When they finish singing, she sits down on the pew,
and listens to the prayer over the offering. While the offering is being taken
up, Addie scans the sanctuary once again to see if Drake Tyler managed to enter
into the room, without her noticing. She relaxes a little bit when she realizes
that he isn’t here.
Maybe I was just imagining him being here, she thinks
to herself. I’m probably just being paranoid. I’ve made it this far, maybe I
can keep moving forward.
After the offering, the pastor gets back behind the
pulpit and begins his sermon. Addie feels herself relax a little bit. She
always loved hearing Pastor Mark speak. His presence on the stage makes Addie
feel a little more comfortable and safe. Maybe I can make it through this
service, she thinks, as she focuses on the sermon.
As the service comes to a close, Addie grips the edge
of the pew hard. Her breathing is coming in fast, shallow gasps and she is
visibly shaking again. She wants to go see that classroom, where it all went
down, but she isn’t sure she can make it. Breathe, she thinks.
Addie pushes herself to her feet, and finds that her
legs feel like they are made of jelly. She grips the pew in front of her, and
wills herself to move toward the front to the sanctuary. As she moves toward
the front of the sanctuary, she scans the room looking for Drake Tyler. The
last thing she wants is for him to see her.
People are chatting away, and some even turn and wave
to her as she passes by. She gives them to standard fake smile, and returns
some of their hellos, but pushes herself forward to the door at the front of
the sanctuary, on the left of the stage. She pauses with her hand on the cool,
silver, metal doorknob. She twists and pushes it open.
She feels sick to her stomach as she starts down the deserted
hallway. She passes all the other classrooms heading for the last door on the
right.
Why am I doing this? What am I going to gain from
this? Facing this room isn’t going to change anything is it? If this does anything,
it’s just going to make me feel worse. Doing this isn’t going to change the
fact that it happened. No matter what I do, it will always be a part of me. Why
in the world do I want to punish myself by going in this room?
She stands at the door and contemplates turning back.
She wants to confront this place, but fear grips her heart. She breathes in
deeply, and reaches for the chipped silver doorknob. She twists, and shuffles
forward a few steps into the room.
She finally looks up, and gasps.
There is a little girl sitting on the old black wooden
table, and Drake Tyler has his hand in her hair and his other hand on her knee.
Addie suddenly feels sick to her stomach.
He’s still hurting little girls, Addie screams in her
head. Her mind races and she suddenly feels as though she can’t breathe. This
is crazy! This is wrong, she thinks unbelievingly.
Before she can turn to run he speaks.
“Addie!” he says. “I can’t believe you’re here! Come
here and give your old children’s church teacher a hug,” he says, stepping
forward away from the little girl, arms stretched wide waiting.
The little girl behind him looks down at her shoes
with a sad and fearful expression on her face. She has the look of a child
caught doing something bad, and is getting ready to be in trouble
Addie steps back involuntarily, bumping the door and
it snaps shut behind her.
“No,” she says.
He drops his arms to his side, and glances back
nervously at the little girl.
“Sweetie, you can go now,” he tells her, dropping his
arms back to his sides.
The little girl leaves quickly, clutching a brown
stuffed bear, and Addie’s stomach ties in knots as she watches her leave.
Once the little
girl closes the door behind her, Drake Tyler speaks again.
“Why in the world wouldn’t you give your old teacher a
hug?” he asks, lifting his arms back up, and taking a step towards Addie.
“You know why!” she yells.
She can’t believe this man is still here. She can’t
believe he still teaches children’s church, and is still hurting little girls.
Even more, she can’t believe he wants her to hug him! She clinches her hands
into fists, her black, chipped nails digging into her palms.
“Addie,” he says, taking yet another step forward, but
lowering his arms. “I have no idea what you’re talking about, sweetheart, but
please come sit down; I would love to catch up.” He gestures to one of the old,
silver metal chairs.
She takes another step back, bumping into the door.
“No!” she yells. “I will not sit down! You’re crazy,
you’re insane, you’re sick…no…NO!”
“Addie! Please calm down, and stop with the hollering.
A beautiful young lady like you shouldn’t be yelling like this,” he says.
“Oh my God, You don’t get to tell me how I am allowed
to talk! And you don’t get to call me beautiful! You’re a monster, a sick,
horrible monster. Don’t touch me! Don’t come near me. Just stay away!” she
yells, pushing her back into the door.
“I will not let you hurt me. You are not going to hurt
me, you…you…basterd!” she yells, her heart beating widely, as she lifts her
fists.
“Addie, please calm down. You’re clearly distraught.
Please come have a seat. I’m not going to hurt you. I would never hurt you,” he
says, gesturing to the nearest chair, and taking a step back as he speaks.
“Oh my God, you are crazy!” she yells. “You did hurt
me! You m…m…m…molested me!” Tears are now falling down her face.
“Addie! How
could you suggest that I did anything to you! I love you. I would never hurt
you. Addie, please come sit down.”
Addie says nothing. Her mouth drops open, and her arms
fall to her sides. He loves me! He’s disgusting. And furthermore, he’s denying
it. He won’t admit that he did what he did to me. This is crazy she thinks to
herself.
He stands there, watching her carefully. He seems
unsure as to what to do, and he has an uncomfortable expression on his face.
“You’re pathetic. You’re disgusting and pathetic. You
ruin people’s lives and I hope you burn in hell for it.”
“Addie, please,” he says, looking alarmed.
“Please? Please? Are you kidding me?” she says looking
at him in disbeliefs. And she turns to leave.
“What are you going to do?” he asks hurriedly, panic
in his voice.
Addie looks at him in disbelief. “I don’t know, but
you are finished here,” she says.
He looks scared, and there is something satisfying about
that to Addie.
She looks at him for a moment longer. He truly is a
pathetic and sad man, she thinks to herself. He has no idea how to live or what
love is like. Addie turns her head to one side looking at him. I don’t know how
to live either, she realizes.
He hasn’t moved and is looking at her with great
caution.
“I forgive you,” she says and walks away.
Addie walks calmly back down the hall, through the
sanctuary, towards the front entrance.
As she walks,
she thinks of the little girl in the room with Drake Tyler. I have to do
something. The thought of the police crosses Addie’s mind, but as she imagines
telling some cop about what Drake Tyler did, her stomach turns. No, she decides
against that course of action.
Addie moves toward her dad’s SUV, and glances back at
the church. She spots the mailbox nailed next to the front entrance and gets an
idea.
I can write a letter, and mail it to the pastor. I
don’t even have to tell him who I am…I can just tell him what happened, and
then he can take the appropriate action. I can even tell him to talk to the
little girl I saw him with. I bet he is hurting her like he did me. The thought
turns her stomach, but she knows that this is the only course of action she is
ready to take, for now.
She breathes in deeply and smells the warm air.
Everything seems so much more beautiful now.
As she gets ready to get into the SUV something white
catches her eye. She moves around to the front of the SUV to get a better look at
what caught her eye.
It’s a rosebush, and it looks mostly dead, but amongst
the tangled branches and thorns is one white rose. Sunlight hits it, and it looks
like its glowing. She looks at the rose for a moment, and lets her mind drift.
Everything is perfect, she thinks to herself. I need
to talk to someone about this, I think. She thinks of Marcus and her heart
hurts a little. Maybe I can talk to him about some of this. I don’t want to get
back together with him, but I can at least explain why I am the way I am.
Everything is not going to be all flowers and
sunshine, just because I faced this place. There will still be bad days, but
there will be some good days too.
She looks at the rose again and smiles. One thing is
for sure, today is a good day.
Horrible things happen, even within the walls of
churches. Addie's story is in someways every survivors story. She hurts a lot
and she has to decide if she is going to hold onto her pain, or if she is going
to try and move on with her life. It was her decision, no one else's. I have
seen survivors decide to hold onto it. I have watched them tear apart their
lives and in some cases, the lives of those around them. If this is you, I
would like to tell you that there is hope. You have to be willing to open your
heart to the healing power of the Holy Spirit. You have to be willing to break
your silence and tell a trusted friend, spouse, parent, pastor, or even
therapist. But speaking out is only one step in the process of healing.
Everyone that has been a victim of abuse, of any kind, has a path to follow.
They can choose to hold onto their pain or let it go and choose life, as Addie
did.
If you are a parent you need to talk to your
children about these things. The younger the better. There are horrible people
out there, and you don't know what some people are capable of until it's too
late, sometimes. I know that it's uncomfortable but it could save your child a
lot of unnecessary pain.Let them know that their voice has power,
that it is okay to not want to be touched, that they can say no and that they
can talk to you if they EVER feel uncomfortable about a situation and that they
will not be in trouble for coming to you.
Addie chose life. If you are a survivor of abuse, I
hope you choose life too.
Love, Randi
