Schizoaffective and Me

So if your here then you know I struggle with my mental health at times. And for the longest time I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. However a few years ago my diagnosis changed. And I honestly don't put much weight on a change in diagnosis but I thought that some of you might would find it interesting. So, my latest diagnosis is Schizoaffective Disorder Bipolar type.

There are two types of Schizoaffective disorder: Bipolar type and Depressive type. I just happen to have Bipolar type. The easiest way to explain what this is...if you don't wanna go look it up...is that it's kinda like have Bipolar disorder and Schizophrenia.

My disorder is relatively under control with medication and therapy. I have some breakthrough symptoms that I live with because I would rather live with them and not be a zombie, than live without them and walk around like I'm not all there. My breakthrough symptoms are mild for the most part. I have anxiety at varying levels and I am pretty much always paranoid. I feel like I'm being watched basically on a constant basis and when I drive I feel like I'm being followed a lot of the time. Occasionally I will have a visual hallucination like seeing someone looking at me through a window but for the most part I can tell it's just my brain playing tricks on me.

Now if I become unstable I am generally a danger to myself. I typically end up with a mixed episode with psychosis. I end up not sleeping at all or sleeping very little with a ton of energy and racing thoughts. But the thoughts are dark and generally accompanied with voices in and out of my head and visual hallucinations to go along with those auditory ones. I become suicidal and have anxiety through the roof. If it goes on long enough I start to have trouble talking...or at least making sense talking. I will say that I can only recall two occasions when I was a danger to others and both times it was because of the voices that I was hearing.

To me the voices are the worst symptom to handle. But I have, over the years, found ways to...turn down the volume. The best way is reading. In fact generally speaking when I get to the point where I can't control the voices and I have to go to the hospital because I am that unstable I take a stack of books with me to read cause I know that it's gonna get worse before it gets better. So when I'm in the hospital and not being forced into group therapy, I can be found reading somewhere in an attempt not to start screaming for the voices to "shut up."

But for the most part my awesome support team is good at catching my symptoms before I get to the point of needing to be hospitalized. In fact I haven't been in the hospital since November of 2018, and that is nothing but God...God and Him putting the right people in my life at the right time. I've had to close calls but my awesome family, friends and providers jumped to my aid and got me stable before hospitalization was needed.

So, this is just a peek into my life. I have some breakthrough symptoms that can make me jumpy and a bit awkward but I'll take jumpy and awkward over severely mentally ill or walking around like a zombie any ole day. And I've been both of those so I know what I'm talking about.

Thank you Lord for getting me here and thank you Lord for my family, friends and providers. Without them I don't know where I would be.

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Life is...OK

 It has been a long time since I have sat down and posted on this blog. I wish I could get up here and testify that all my problems have gone away and that all is marry and bright...but that would be a lie. I did get the job I wanted and had prayed for back at the first of September last year but it only lasted two months before my mental health crashed and I had to quit. I think I jumped in head first at the first opportunity that presented itself without thinking things through and I just wasn't ready.

It really hurt me to quit. I felt like a failure. I felt like I was letting down everyone that had been praying for me to get a job; everyone that had hoped and believed in me. And now I sit here jobless...still on disability and wondering if I will ever be able to hold down a job.

To be honest I don't know what my next move is. I'm thinking I'm gonna volunteer somewhere but I don't know where yet. For right now I'm taking it a day at a time and just managing my mental health to the best of my ability.

However, aside from the job snag I'm doing pretty good. I seem to be on the right cocktail of medication and I got a really good therapist finally. I have been reading books a lot more over the past year. I think last year I read about 35 books...somewhere around that number...and I'm already hitting close to ten this year.

Reading is really good for my mental health. It allows me to escape my anxiety and paranoia riddled brain for a while. When I read I disappear into the novel and forget about the constant tightness in my chest and the overwhelming feeling of being watched. I don't know if those feelings will ever completely go away but reading does offer some release.

I discovered this release in the hospital a few years back when I realized that if I read when I was hearing voices the voices got quieter when I focused on a book. Last year in January it occurred to me that if that worked for voices then why not for my other symptoms. Plus I have always enjoyed a good book so I started watching YouTube videos for book recommendations and became hooked on reading again like I use to be before I became mentally ill. It's a truly wonderful escape.

I've been talking to God a lot lately. Talking about everything. Asking for direction for my life, praying for my friends and family and even just talking about my day with Him. I seem to be getting one message back from him though...GET YOUR BUTT IN CHURCH. Haha. I know I need to start attending church on the reg but I have the really bad habit of staying up until 4-5 in the morning and then sleeping until well...I'd rather not say. But God remains adamant...go to church girl. So I gotta work on that.

So if you are a praying person pray for my mental health. That I will stay stable. Pray that I will get some direction in my life. And pray that I will get more motivated to get my but up in the mornings on Sunday and go to church!

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Morning

Up until a few weeks ago I was having some trouble with sleeping too much. I was sleeping at least 12 hours and it was starting to make me angry. I talked to my doctor about it and we lowered a dose of one medication that we thought might be making me a bit drowsy therefore, causing me to sleep more than what is…healthy. Well that helped some but I was still struggling.

Well, after a med change didn’t work I was really starting to beat myself up about sleeping too much. I hated it. I kept telling myself what good is not having any symptoms of my illness when I’m sleeping all day long. After a period of self-pity my and my therapist came up with a plan to get me out of the bed earlier and hopefully out into the world more often. And it’s really made the difference.

You see, one problem with me sleeping the day away was that if I did wake up earlier I was getting on my phone while still in bed and then falling back to sleep. So the first thing to change was that I had to get the phone away from me. So I moved my phone across the room. Second thing was we created a new routine to follow that would get me up and moving BEFORE getting a hold of my phone. So we decided that I needed to do three specific things every morning before picking up my phone. The first would be to take my medication. This is important because if I need my medication in order to function. The second thing to do was to go give my dog her medicine. This worked well because it got me out of my bed and out into the back yard where I get fresh air and move around a bit. The last thing to do was to make a cup of coffee. I chose this act because I love coffee and caffeine can help you feel more alert and away. Only after completing those three tasks would I allow myself to pick up my phone.

This new morning routine has been awesome! I am awake and functioning before noon. I’m sleeping around 9 hours now…which I think is way better than 12-plus. Another great thing about this routine is that I find I’m more likely to go out of the house and take on more responsibility, in my day, when I wake up earlier and move around.

Now to some of you this may seem kind of…insignificant. But, it’s not like that at all to me. Honestly, I feel better about myself when I don’t sleep to much and when I follow that routine. I feel even better about myself when I get out of my house and do things that other people take for granted. For instance, going into a grocery store and volunteering at the nursing home. I find that I can better take on the day when I follow this routine. I’m working hard to improve myself here lately. I’ve been doing things like going into busy stores and eating out in loud and crowded restaurants. Slowly but surely I’m taking on more challenges and being brave.

Love, Randi

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Challenging Myself

I went to a Sunday morning service at my favorite church yesterday. It was the first time in a very long time I had gone. It was really hard and I almost talked myself out of it again. (I’ve been talking myself out of it for months now.) But I made it and it was really great. I’ll admit when I first got there and took a seat in the back, my anxiety started getting really bad. But as the service progressed my anxiety decreased and soon I was enjoying being in church again.

To be honest, it’s really nothing short of a miracle that I was there. I’ve been avoiding church for a while now because of some social anxiety…that and I have a thing about people touching me that makes me uncomfortable. But the little physical contact I had with people wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. (And my therapist is going to have a field day Wednesday when I tell him that.)

My therapist has been encouraging me for a while to get back in church. One of my values is a close and personal relation ship with God and not going to church was in direct violation of my values. My therapist has been challenging me to be uncomfortable and expose myself to things that make me anxious. And slowly but surely I have been more and more willing to expose myself to things that I never thought I would do again. For instance: I have started going to grocery stores at times that I know they are more crowded, I went to a women's even at my parent's church and I went with some friends to a mall and even ate in the food court. Another activity that my therapist has me doing is practicing sitting still for 10+ minutes a day and just let my thoughts come and go. The goal was to work up to sitting still for a total of ten minutes at a time. When I first did it I barely made it past a minute. But here I am a few weeks later and I am going past ten minutes. It’s hard. When I quit moving and get quiet I start to think about dark things and it makes me anxious and upset. But I kept pushing myself and it’s slowly but surely getting easier to manage my emotions and thoughts.

So, I’m making progress. I eventually want to get to a point where I can attend grad school and NOT get kicked out again. It’s gonna take a while to get to that place but I know that I’m definitely on the right path.

Love, Randi

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Just Pray

This past Friday, for the 8^th time, I was released from a psychiatric hospital. To say this is getting old would be the understatement of a lifetime. But I know God has plans for me. Despite it all I haven’t given up on my dreams. I can only hope that God will use these things that have been going on for the past 8 years in a way to further His kingdom.

There was something different about this time, though. For the first near 48 hours I was without medication while the doctor made decisions on how to treat me. I was once again suicidal and psychotic. Things got really bad when I went without medication. I had terrible hallucinations the scarred me and ended with me being put on unit restriction due to the fact that I was trying to self-harm. (For those that don’t know unit restriction is when you have to be watched all the time and you cannot leave the unit...not even for meals.) But once the doctor put me on medication and few days later, much to his surprise, I made a turn around. The hallucinations went away much faster than the doctor predicted and without having to increase the dosages of my antipsychotics like he thought he would. The doctor couldn’t keep to look of surprise off his face when I told him that over the weekend the hallucinations had went away. I was blessed to have a very great doctor while there. He listened to me when I told him things and allowed me to have a say so in my treatment there. But I don’t credit the doctor for my turn around. I give glory to God for how quickly things got better this time. And I thank all of the wonderful people who prayed for me while I was there.

Once things started to get better I tried to focus on God. I chose to read Christian books while there, that would feed me spiritually, instead of escaping into a good fictional novel, like I usually do. I chose to use my time there to listen to God. One night while there I was overwhelmed by His presence and the peace He gave me. I prayed in earnest about things for the first time in a long time and most importantly I listened for God’s voice as I prayed. As I laid in my bed one evening praying to God and trying to understand why these things keep happening and wondering to Him about why I have to suffer like this, I heard that still, small voice tell me the He sees me and my pain and that He hasn’t forgot about me. It brought me to tears. I think that in the mess of it all I had forgotten how much God loves me and I could feel His love as I laid there.

I made a friend while there. And as God turned my situation around I began praying for her too. She wasn’t sleeping and was becoming increasingly psychotic due to the lack of sleep. I felt God move me to pray for her while I was there and as I went to bed one evening my prayers focused on her, asking God to allow her to sleep. And she did. God turned her situation around too. I couldn’t help but marvel at the power of God as she told me the next day how well she had slept. She ended up being released on the same day as me. I told her that I had prayed hard for her to sleep…I wanted her to know that God had not forgotten her too. She thanked me for my prayers and then thanked God for allowing her to finally rest.

Having God answer my prayers for my friend really moved me. I started praying for others…my family, my friends and other people that were in the hospital with me. The day I was released three other people where released and I don’t think it was by accident that on a unit that only had 12 people on it released four people that had recovered enough to go home on the same day. I think God had something to do with 1/4^th of the unit being released all at once. And two more people were getting out on the following Monday! (They do not release people on the weekends on that unit.) So, half the unit recovered enough to be sent home on two consecutive release dates. I know God had his hand in that.

And I haven’t stopped praying since I’ve been released. I find myself leaning on God now more than ever. Like I said in the beginning, this is getting old. I’m ready to be used by God. I’m tired of sitting on the sidelines. So, I’m changing volunteer jobs. I had made an effort to do this before I was hospitalized, but I figured nothing would come of it…especially after being put in the hospital, yet again.

Well the day I was released I found myself presented with a new opportunity. As I rode home from the hospital I was checking my emails and as it turned out there was an email waiting for me from the place I had sent in an application. And even more to my surprise they were interested in me! I shot a quick email back asking for when would be a good time to go in and speak to them about volunteering and even further to my surprise, before I got home, I had another email telling me when I could stop in. And before the day was out I had been interviewed by their volunteer coordinator and even asked if I could start volunteering this coming week! I am planning on giving my old volunteer position at the nursing home my two weeks notice when I go in this Tuesday and I’m going to start volunteering at a women’s shelter that deals with domestic violence and sexual assault in a matter of a few weeks. God is so great you guys! I can’t wait to see what comes out of this change!

So, I find my faith increased after this hospitalization. And I feel great. (But not too great for those of you who understand bipolar disorder.) Most of the time when I’m released from the hospital it takes a while for me to feel like myself again, but not this time. I find myself feeling like me again. But even better than before, I find myself full hope. And its been a long time since I have felt hopeful. I know I have a long way to go before I reach my dreams, but I can’t help but feel like I’m starting to get on the right path for a change. I’m definitely choosing to put God in the situation more so than ever before.

So, pray for me you guys. Pray that God will lead me and that I will listen. Pray that God will use me and these things I have been through. Pray for my healing. Just pray.

Love, Randi

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