Why is it so hard for me to be nice to me? My therapist
tasked me with writing an encouraging letter to myself. He handed me paper and
pen and left me to it. I starred at the paper and found myself frustrated. “I
don’t want to do this. This is stupid. This is ridiculous. I can’t think of
anything. Why is this so hard?” were just a few of my thoughts as I glared at
the blank page. Not wanting to leave the page blank, I just wrote down the nice
things he had said earlier and waited for his return.
When he came back he wanted me to read it. “No!” was my
quick response. Of course, like any good therapist, he inquired as to why I
didn’t want to read it. And after saying “I just don’t,” multiple times, I
finally had to admit that it felt weird…that it went against the grain…that it
argued with the stream of negative self-talk that constantly plays in my head.
When I finally gave in and read the thing, I read it in a tone of frustrated
resignation, that put a smirk on his face and made me feel like an idiot.
Before the end of our session he challenged me to write one positive
affirmation to myself every day. Well…I haven’t done it. The very thought of it is repulsive. I know that God wouldn’t want me to feel so negative about myself…but
all I hear is a list of things that are wrong with me, another list of things
that I need to be doing and another list of people that I’m letting down in my
life by not doing these things or by having these negative characteristics that
I have. I think of how far I have to go to be the person I think I should be
and I hate myself for it. I think of how far I have to go to be the person
everyone else thinks I should be and I hate myself for it. I think of the
people in my life that I burden by needing them for one reason or another and I
hate myself. And then I think about God, and I feel like I’m letting Him down, so I hate myself for that too. I know that these things aren’t true, especially the last one, but
these things feel like a part of me.
I’d like to think I’m not the only one the struggles with
negative self-talk. I’d like to think that there are other people out there,
like me, that your brain is tuned into an eternally loud negative talk station
that echoes into the very core of your being.
But I’m going to try and change it. I’m going to try and
challenge myself for the next month, to write one positive affirmation about
myself. Even now I hate the idea…I feel like a month’s worth or positive things
will inflate my head and I will be arrogant of something…but I’m gonna have to
trust that being easier on myself will help me in the long run.
So if there are others of you out there that struggle with
this, know you’re not alone and wish me luck this month.
Love, Randi
