It’s been a while since my last post and it’s honestly been
because I have been at a loss of words for what has been going on. It’s been an
emotional rollercoaster. My hallucinations have gone away but my moods are
still very unstable. Today alone I have gone from depressed, to frustrated to
the point of tears, to angry to the point of screaming, to depressed to the
point of sobbing. This has been my life for the past few months. There is no
slight mood changes in my life. If I am happy, I’m over the top, if I’m sad, I’m
sobbing in tears…this is the reality of a mixed episode.
Another thing about having a mixed episode is that sometimes
it can be very confusing. It means that yes, you do have quick mood shifts, but
sometimes you can experience different mood symptoms all at once. The most
common experience for me is the racing thoughts that come with mania, with the
overwhelming sorrow of depression. This means that not only do you feel devastatingly
sad, but your thoughts are coming so fast that it’s hard to form a sentence.
And I’m so freaking tired. All of this emotional rollercoaster
stuff is exhausting. I had a really emotional week a while back and I ended up
getting sick. Between the stress of that week and the lack of sleep, my immune
system just couldn’t hold up. It’s amazing the strain that stress can put on
the body.
And now a close friend of mine is hurting in a way that I
cannot possibly fathom. Her heart has been crushed and I want nothing more than
to hold her and make it all go away but I can’t. So I sit with her and talk
with her and just try and be there, because I know nothing more than to do.
But we were talking tonight and I told her that she won’t be
the same. Because you don’t come back from that kind of pain the same way you
went in. I know. I have hurt so much in the past few years of my life and I
know that I am so different now than when I first went in. But the thing is, I
think I’ve changed for the better. I still hurt, a lot. More than the average,
at least that’s what people tell me. But I like to think I’m better for it. I
like to believe I’m stronger and more compassionate because of it.
Tonight when I spoke with my friend on the phone I told her
to take it one day at a time. I told her to be patient with herself. But sometimes we extend that kind of grace to other, but not to ourselves. I know I’m
guilty. I spend so much time being there for other people, that a lot of times
I neglect myself. I tell my friends that I’m there for them, that I will be
right there by their side if they need me to be. I know that if this one
particular friend called at 3 in the morning, and said “I need you,” I would be
knocking down her door in 10 minutes. But I don’t give myself the same
compassion. I feel that pain well up inside of me and I tell myself to quiet
down. I tell myself to stop being silly, to stop feeling sorry for myself, to
shut up and get over it. Maybe this isn’t the solution…maybe I should give
myself the benefit of the doubt. Maybe it’s ok to curl up and cry for a little
while. In fact maybe it would be easier if I just let myself cry, instead of
fighting the tears, to the point where I scrap the skin off the back of my
hands. So I’m going to take my own advice:
- Take it one day at a time.
- Be patient with myself.
- Don’t take on too much at once.
- Don’t be afraid to ask for help.
- And it’s ok to cry.
Love, Randi
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